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Lone parents

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Original poster

stupid thing to worry about.... but do you ever worry that your going to be left on the shelf???

60 replies

charlotte121 · 27/03/2008 00:00

I have all these stupid worries that no guy is ever going to want to be with me ever again. Im about to have my second baby and im on my own and feel quite lonely. I dont want this to last forever, i just want to settle down with someone who will love me and my beautiful kids. Is it too much to ask for another guy to want to settle down with a young single mum and her kids or do guys just consider people in my situation to be chavs or slappers with too much baggage? How have you done in relationships with people who arnt your kids dad?
seems like such a daunting thing, but im sure some of you ladies out there have some experiance

OP posts:
madamez · 27/03/2008 00:07

Oh blimey charlotte... I can't give you any handy hints for snagging a man (don't know how old you are for one thing) but, and this is probably not going to thrill you but it is important - remember it's better to be alone than with an arse. Better alone than being constantly put down and belittled and expected to be grateful 'because I took you and those f* kids on, didn't I?'.
There are nice men out there. There are nice men who are custodial parents to their own DC and happy to make up 'blended families'. But take your time when choosing one and don't compromise just to have a Man in your Life. Best of luck
(I am happily single BTW).

expatinscotland · 27/03/2008 00:08

I think I'd much prefer being alone than with the utter knobends some people go out with here.

PurpleOne · 27/03/2008 01:00

I'd prefer to be alone, but not lonely.

After 6 years divorced single and been through a DV relationship too..I still can't bag a man.

Feel tha all jy mates are destined to be fuck buddies, while I'm collecting my pension!

littlewoman · 27/03/2008 02:15

Charlotte, I promise you will NOT be left on the shelf. But do your self a favour, and rather than thinking 'who could ever love me', look for the person who is good enough to enter the life of a good lady like yourself, and your 2 dc's. I wish somebody had given me this advice. You are of value... choose someone of equal worth

hedonia · 27/03/2008 02:26

of course someon will fall in love with you but you have ti make it happen - go out and join internet sits

skeletonbones · 27/03/2008 13:25

Agree with Littlewoman and madamez, don't think who will take me on? like you are a particularly woebegone dog in a pound

Think positively, having kids young and bringing them up alone (and you are at university as well too I think from reading one of your other posts?) shows that you are a stong, confident and well organised person, a decent bloke will see that and respect you for it. I had my kids young too (teenager) and have found a really nice bloke. He says he thinks he is very lucky to be with me and has lots of respect for me and my kids. Having had a really crap partner in my ex I knew what I wasn't looking for this time round

lostdad · 27/03/2008 13:56

I would be more than happy to settle down with a young single mum with kids.

The scenario of having a `blended' family - being a stepfather to her kids and her a stepmum to mine is a situation as well as a child from both of us is close to my ideal situation for the rest of my life.

On the other hand, I will die a sad, lonely old man before I would risk using any children of mine as a weapon against me. If there is ever the hint that may happen I would run a mile.

LBA · 27/03/2008 14:17

Grrrr.

Ive written you about 5 posts now charlotte and cant seem to get it right.

Basically, the fact I have two kids by two different dads hasn't put anyone off (much to my surprise).

The reason im still on my own is because the relationships I have had since I had dd havent worked but it has never been because of my kids and I have been the one to call it off for various reasons. (Non compatibility, distance etc).

People get on, people dont. Sometimes other factors are an issue but my kids never have been an issue for anyone ive met...heck...does that make any sense at all?!

nametaken · 27/03/2008 14:56

charlotte I don't think that men think an unattached woman with 2 kids is a slapper/chav/whatever but I definately get the feeling that nice men don't want to spend their money and resources raising other men's kids. The nice single men I know (my 2 brothers and all their mates) all say that they want to put their time, money, energy and resources into raising their own families, not someone elses.

That said, there is always the divorced man in the same situation as you so it's just a question of looking in the right place. The pub is not the right place - all you'll find in the pub is a boozer.

Why don't you do what my bf did. See it as a numbers game, set yourself a goal (get boyfriend within one year) get online, organise 2 short dates a week, that makes 100 different men a year - ONE OF THESE MEN HAS TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH YOU - said bf is now happily married and she had 3 dc's by 2 fellas. Mind you she is rich and beautiful too so I'm sure that helped.

Go on give it a try, speeddating too.

LBA · 27/03/2008 15:13

"charlotte I don't think that men think an unattached woman with 2 kids is a slapper/chav/whatever but I definately get the feeling that nice men don't want to spend their money and resources raising other men's kids. The nice single men I know (my 2 brothers and all their mates) all say that they want to put their time, money, energy and resources into raising their own families, not someone elses."

Im sure that's going to make the op feel heaps better. What a truly thoughtful post.

nametaken · 27/03/2008 16:38

LBA I'm sorry but i'm only passing on info that I've heard from the horses mouth. Just because you don't like hearing something it doesn't mean it isn't true. It's only when we take a good long hard look at what we really are that we can accept things deal with them and concentrate on doing what we can achieve, not wasting time focusing on goals that won't ever come to fruition.

And did you read the other half of my post? I thought that was very positive.

The difference between you and I is that I looked at that post and saw a positive message and you looked at it and saw a negative one.

Pinkchampagne · 27/03/2008 16:52

I am a single mum to 2 boys, and had visions of being on my own for a very long time. However, just 3 months after moving into my own place I started dating the lovliest man.
He separated from his wife a couple of months before my separation (was living in the same house as ex H for nearly a year after decision to split), but has no children of his own. I worried he would be put off by my children, but he assures me it isn't an issue for him.

We spent the first few months just getting to know each other, and are now slowly starting to introduce the boys to him a little more. (we have been together over 7 months now)

I worry about the hurdles we have in front of us, but he knows that he will never be expected to be a dad to my boys as they already have a dad - I just want him to be their friend.
He has told me that he doesn't see my boys as baggage.

There is proof that nice men are not always put off by women with children! I hope you meet someone as lovely.

Pinkchampagne · 27/03/2008 17:07

We happened to first meet in a pub too! He is not a boozer at all though. He was out with his work friends having a Christmas night out, and I was doing the same with my friends.

Much as he has only met the boys a few times, he brought them back sweets from his skiing holiday, bought DS1 a memory card for his playstation & bought DS2 a birthday present. Both boys really like him.

skeletonbones · 27/03/2008 17:37

your two brothers and their mates are only a small proportion of the population though nametaken, and anyone who says they d'on't want to put their time and effort into raising other peoles kids' obviously arn't going to date a single parent from the begining so arn't part of the pool of possible blokes who would consider dating a single parent.

I met my bloke in a club myself and he isn't a 'boozer' he was out for his friends birthday, I was out for my friends birthday and we got talking, I told him straight away that night that I had children and could only see him when I could get a babysitting and he was fine with that. he was a young single bloke with no kids of his own, and was bought up by a single parent himself.

I don't think your post was very well thought out, and you sound pretty daft insisting that your brothers and mates are the oracle of all single blokedom!

nametaken · 27/03/2008 17:42

Fair enough

Pinkchampagne · 27/03/2008 18:15

Sounds pretty similar to how I met my boyfriend, SB. I told him right away that I had recently separated & that I had two children. He then said that he had also recently separated, but had no children. He then asked if I wanted to go for a drink sometime, but at that time I was still living under the same roof as ex H, so didn't feel right about meeting up with other men. I gave him my number though, and 6 months later (once I had moved) we got back in contact & started dating. He is the lovliest man, and I feel very lucky to have met him.

LBA · 27/03/2008 19:31

Maybe its the age thing. Most single blokes my age have children of their own anyway. They have certainly never seen mine as a problem. (and im not rich or beautiful!). Im not going to give up hope because one person thinks nice men dont want to "raise someone else's kids" and neither should you charlotte.

The other half of your post did appear positive nametaken if a bit unrealistic for most of us. Two dates a week? I'd be lucky to achieve that in a year!

eandh · 27/03/2008 19:41

My brother has a lovely fiancee, they met when her ds from previous relationship was 9 months old, she and her son moved in to brothers house last year and they are just about to move into their own home in next few weeks (they got engaged at new year)

My step nephew (just turned 2) has blended into family so well, calls my brother daddy and my parents nanny and grandad (my Mum often looks after him if nursery closed or they need a babysitter) and loves playing with my dd's (loves saying his cousins!) and her Mum (her parents seperated) is lovely and my dd's have started calling her nannie D (her name) as they love spending time with her.

Just wanted you to know there are loads of lovely blokes out there who aren't scared of people with children and it can work out fantastically

Pinkchampagne · 27/03/2008 20:17

My man is 37, doesn't have children of his own, and wasn't at all put off by the fact I did have children. He is not just nice, but totally gorgeous inside & out, so don't lose hope!

maltesers · 27/03/2008 21:27

God yes, the thought of being left alone for the rest omy my life is suicidal.... Have been single now for 20 months and its the longest ever i have been alone. My kids are 7 yrs, 17 and 19 yrs, so the oldest has left home and is at Uni. Have met lots of men through date sites and here and there. But not met Mr Right yet... am determined to share my life with someone who loves me and me him...
Is it true if you want something badly enough you will get it ????????????????????

madamez · 27/03/2008 22:47

Well a friend of mine who has a DD aged nearly 4 is now happily married to a divorced dad of a DS aged around 7 (think her DH's DS lives with his mum but stays with DH and new family at weekends). OP, when you feel ready to start dating, try something like Guardian Soulmates (which is where the friend I mention met her now-DH and where my DS' dad meets lots of nice (or so he says) ladies, some of whom have kids).

Actually, do you want DS' dad? He's 43, quite fit, excellent father and not a bad bloke - and I am a nice co parent who would not be unreasonable about other people's kids and step-siblings for DS .

littlewoman · 27/03/2008 22:51

There you go, Charlotte, problem solved. And he comes with a personal guarantee from madamez, who always seems such a nice, level-headed lady. You can't go wrong here, love

madamez · 27/03/2008 23:01

Erm, to be fair, there are reasons I don't want him. HE talks about his work a lot (yes, a lot) and his personal hygiene is not always what it ought to be (hope to FUCK DS dad is not a closet MNer - if you are, dear, you know it's nothing I haven;t said repeatedly to your face ).

singledadofthree · 27/03/2008 23:22

charlotte - at least youre still young so have ages to find the right fella - and there are plenty that would happily raise other peoples kids as there own. i'm told that as an old git with kids....have forgotten what it was now, was a woman that said it, knew i should have listened

thornrose · 27/03/2008 23:27

God Charlotte you think you've got problems, one word separates us...young! I'm an old single mum of 40 with an 8 yr old and I despair of ever meeting anyone that would put up with me and my "quirky" little Aspie!