Advise please,...DD seeing daddy again after 8 months.............

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Hi, myself and xp split up a year & half ago. When we first split up XP was seeing DD (with me too as hes never done a thing for her and wouldnt have a clue) a few times each week then it started fading out and he let us down loads and was full of false promises about toys etc to DD etc I cut back contact to a bare minimal whe.n it got to the point where he was asking dd about my sex life,...and i quote "does mummy get sha**ed from behind" The last time he saw her was on her 2nd birthday, where he made her cry her eyes out yet again with false promises and shouting & swearing in DD's face.i could go on but i wont!! Anyway,....

XP is now married and has step child and another baby on the way. Hes been emailing me say once a month asking to see DD but iv been busy with dd starting school etc Now dd is settled at school i feel maybe i should let her dad back in her life if he can prove he wont be like this again. I feel selfish if i cut him out but selfish if i let him in her life and he ends up hurting her.

So,...hes asked to see DD on fri (im not sure if im going to agree to this yet) but when we next meet im worried about what the hell i should say to DD. TO be honest she looks through my photos on laptop and she doesnt recognise him, she doesnt mention daddy or anything to do with him. Im not sure she'l remember him.

I dont want to mention this before hand incase he doesnt show up and i dont wana saywe'r going to see daddy cos it'l totally out of the blue and going to confuse her even more so if she doesnt quite remember him,..

What do i say to her?

Oh I feel for you!sounds like youve got everything under control, and peaceful, so why let him in again?
my sis had a similar thing going on with a tw*t of an ex, and she only lets him see her daughter when her daughter asks to see him.
It doesnt sound like hes very respectful of your feelings, and it would just cause disruption.
I would refuse, until your daughter is old enough to choose to see him or not.

Difficult one, have to admit it makes my skin crawl what you said about him asking your daughter 'does mummy get shagged from behind' innapropriate sexual questions to a child would REALLY make me worry and also the shouting and swearing in a two year olds face. Could you request for him to be assessed by social services first before resuming contact, citing the aggression and sexual uestions as your concerns?

I would say you both need to sit down and discuss the situation and where you both see this going and how things might have changed for your both and your daughter since he last saw her.

Don't go straight for a visit with dd without sorting a few things out first between you - ground rules, expectation, long term outlook of this, affects it may have on your daughter and what is best for her etc.

I would suggest you ask that he attends mediation to discuss his request to see his daughter. If he's serious about seeing his her he will agree and pay for it.

Gilly

Hi thanks all for advise. I dont think hes capable of meeting with just me to discuss where it will go and i doubt he has had any thought about how it will effect dd!

But worth a go, i dont mind giving it a try. I am really just hoping that now hes moved on with another child and is married that he has hopfully grown up....so we'l see.

I dont have a pc/laptop at home so i have to email from library or friends house. I emailed him (as he knows i was broken in to and my pc was taken) saying that he'l have to be patient as i dont have internet access there all the time and i asked if i could have my pc back (the pc we had when we were together, he took this when we split and its been in storage ever since!) He simply said no not untill hes seen DD!! GRrrrrr

I agree with Sleepycat-he sounds dangerous!its your daughters welfare here.Get mediation for her safety, and for clear boudaries for you and your DD.

Hi - I'm in the same situation with my ex kicking up a fuss about seein Ds (16 months old) yet has done nothing for him and also wouldn't have a clue. I would be very uneasey about the sex question senario though.

Did he not say he would try for access through the solicitors? I've suggested mediation but am terrified he will get solo access because of the above and my Ds doesn't like being without mummy just now. Its been me and only me since he was 5 weeks old - only seeing ex a few hours most weekends. He's as good as a stranger to Ds from his own doing - I'd love him to be around more.

Have you told him to explain the twattish way he has treated you and her in the past (talking about sex to her weirdo )? If not, why not email him and say what does he have to say about the way he has behaved and how he is to convince you he will never behave like that again.

If he does not comply with this reasonable request, i would fuck him off and tell him he can spill all in court and explain this to them all there. Because that proves he has not changed and your child will come to no harm without this dickhead in her life.

Thanks lovesdogsandcats, that sounds like a great start. To be honest i cant see him doing it, so i'l know straight away whether its worth it or not.

A friend suggested sending him a few photos of DD one perhaps in her uniform as shes now at nursery, (for some reason the idea of this makes me sick inside,..not sure why) but to show him and make him wake up to her being a REAL little person and not sumthing to be messed with.

I guess i feel for DD's sake and assuming he has changed i should let him see her to give him that one last chance so i can never be in DD's bad books and i can always say i tried.

Also, as justcantremember said, i am also terrified he'd get solo care even if its once a week or anything im not ready for that and i know hes not capable, he hasnt a clue!! It would be a game, so his new wife could meet her and explain about new baby on the way etc.

Like one big joke!! So id rather keep XP happy seeing her with me there rather then it go through courts not knowing the possible outcome.

He hasbeen emailing asking to see her this week, i asked him to suggest wht the hell id say to DD IF we meet as he'd be popping up out of the blue after not seeing her since August 07, he replied "nothing she'l be fine after 5 mins" but he doesnt realise when she sees photos of him she hasnt a clue who he is, but i dont want to tell him that cos it'l make him more on my case!

It's a difficult situation and I can understand why you're concerned. However he IS her father, and he probably does have a right to see her. Given the sexual questions, I think supervised access/mediation is the way forward, and will show that you are not preventing him from seeing her should it go to court at some point in the future. I would write to him explaining that you both need to meet, without your daughter present, to discuss the best way to re-introduce him into her life. She will also need to understand about her father's new family and siblings. That it probably best done under mediation (and I presume what is agreed will be formally recorded). Hopefully you can then agree supervised access initially. If he wants to see his daughter, he will agree to this. If he doesn't then you have at least given him the option.

I agree here with lovesdogs, and Surr.....it sounds taht your gut reaction is that he is a bit of a dodgy geezer, and you want to PROTECT your daughter from sexual abuse(be it verbal, and godforbid actual) so you need to put it to him about his previous behaviour and how unacceptable it is, and as a father he has a right to see his daughter, but your daughter has the right to be protected.
to get him to agree to mediation is your first priority.
He has totally lost yoyr trust and has to earn it back again....or be out of your lives.