Do you get absent parent a birthday card?

[TuliLily]

Put this in Aibu but didn’t get many responses so thought it might be better/ more suited here.

It’s my son’s birthday tomorrow, his father is absent and has no contact at all, entirely his choice. My son is turning 10, I was just saying how sad it is that his own father could ignore his child’s birthday, he didn’t even acknowledge him at Christmas but his own birthday is today so the day before our sons birthday and he just ignores it. I find it sad that a parent can be so cold and uninterested in their own child.

Well someone asked me if we send him a birthday card or anything like that and maybe he should start treating him how he wants to be treated?! Surely no one does this? If your ex isn’t involved do you send birthday cards from your child to their father? I’ve honestly never heard of anyone doing this and actually think it could be pretty upsetting for a child especially a horrible reminder that their father isn’t interested in them and then they will be likely expecting a response and not get one, actually seems quite cruel to me and not really the child’s place to do this, my son has never asked to send him a birthday card. Years ago when on better terms I use to get him Father’s Day cards and he actually asked me not to! Aibu to think no one sends a birthday card from their children to their absent parent? I’m not even sure if my son knows it’s his fathers birthday today as we’ve been split up years and we never spent a birthday with him so I’m not sure he is even aware and I wouldn’t want to upset him before his birthday by reminding him.

No, I definitely wouldn't. You're right. Will just rake things up for him and your ex doesn't deserve it anyway. He fucked off so off he fucks in my opinion

Not a chance. Why would you waste your energy doing that?

This was the comment, I was really surprised that anyone would think it is down to the child to treat someone how they want to be treated!

No i wouldn't. My ex got pissy that the DC didn't message him for his most recent birthday. (They are late teens.) They pointed out that he didn't message them on their birthdays and therefore set the precedent.

Your ex is the adult. It's up to him to treat a child how he wants to be treated.

What a dumb comment. Normally I agree with treat people how you want to be treated however when it comes to a parent neglecting their child why should it be up to the child to initiate contact

Gosh no . An absent parent us that .

i was kind of relieved that he never sent cards . Every birthday or Christmas was be spent reminding him his dad doesn’t see him .

Absolutely not. That's just another way your DS will get hurt by his father's absence.That poster is being ridiculous.

Thanks all. Glad I’m not going mad then! I’ve literally never heard of anyone doing this. It was be bizarre tbh and he certainly wouldn’t believe it was from the kids. Absolutely crazy suggestion.

Well, theoretically, sure, I'd agree you want to treat people ho you want them to treat you. But I think in the case of a child and a parent, FFS, it's pretty obvious that it's the bloody PARENT who needs to take the lead. And no, I wouldn't feel any need to insist that the child should send a card to an absent parent.

But it's surprisingly common as a thought process. Both MIL and BIL have, at various times, had complaints because teenage children have not, apparently, put enough effort in eg calling etc.

Absolutely not ! Before he stopped contact , my ex wouldn’t even say where he was living , so a card was out of the question.

Absolutely not, and I'm shocked at whoever sent you that text. I think times have changed now and we shouldn't treat people how we want to be treated, we should treat them how they want to be treated, and in your XP's case this is as an absent piece of shit.

My ex has abandoned our son. It's been four years now. He immediately stopped gifts and cards and ignored our son's recent 13th birthday. His family are doing the same. So fuck all of them. There will be no cards, gifts or acknowledgment at all. I would not rake all of that up for my boy.

It’s a stupid comment because you’re not asking him to send you a card! Clearly a 9 year old can’t send their dad a card independently, if they were both adults I guess they could argue this. I still think in a parental relationship the parent has the responsibility to acknowledge the child, it’s not a relationship of equals like a friendship

No of course not but equally, who would expect a birthday card from an absent parent?

You can't hold a kid to the same standards as you would an adult. Sure you can try and teach the ethos of "do unto others" but kids don't have the same thought processes, opportunities, feelings or responsibility that adults do.

He hasn’t expected it he didn’t even mention it, it’s more me that can’t get my head around it but then my father always without fail sent me a card for my birthday even though he didn’t see me there was always a card sent every birthday.

Thank you exactly especially as it’s the day before his own don’t really want to put a downer on things

Absolutely not.