Didnt bother with DS2's 4th birthday

[isheisnthe]

Well, its only been since the start of january that the house sold and we went our seperate ways after 9 months of crap...and since then he is rarely bothering with the boys unless I force him.

Each thursday (due to have the boys friday 6pm until sat 6pm) he starts making noises about earlier drop off time and its driving me nuts. Now, its ds2's 4th birthday today and did he get a card, a phone call, a present? Nope.....

this time last year we were going out for the day as a family for his birthday....

Must be very hard for him to not be part of his and he may well remember the family day you had last year and be upset too. Did you invite him over for birthday tea? He probably doesn't want to ask to come and have you say no. Is phone contact a regular thing? By which soes he know it's ok for him to call and speak to the children or is this something you haven't been doing up to now. If it's not something you both do then he might not think it's ok to call, or he may want to avoid a row or have you put the phone down on him.

Also you haven't really given him the chance to do something on the days he has the children before saying he has done nothing.
You might find he gives your son a card and present when he sees them next. My last bf had a preschool daughter. If he sent anything home to her then her mother would destroy it, so he waited till his weekend with her and had a special tea with birthday cake and gave her presents etc then, he never sent her anything via her mother and if she wanted to take anything home we used to have to 'vanish' it in the car while she napped as we knew it would get binned and we'd never see it again. Also there was no provision in teh court order for phone contact, and mother didn't allow any deviation from court order, so he didn't even try to phone as he knew what the reaction would be.

Give him a chance. Remind him it's your son's birthday and make it clear you are happy for him to be in contact today. Perhaps text or email him and say that it would be ok if he would like to phone at such a time to talk to him, or that he could pop round for tea if he wanted as you will be having cake at whatever time. If he says no then don't be angry, as I said he may well have his own plans and yuo are now separate so it's for him to sort out and answer to his son.

Hope your son has a great day
Gilly

I don't think the example you gave is the same at all gillybean. Very upsetting for your ex to be in that situation with his childs mother, but how can you compare it.

The OP has said has to 'force' her ex to keep in contact and that he always tries to drop the children off earlier than he is supposed to. And now he has forgot his sons birthday, who needs it spelling out to them that they should remember their sons birthday?? not many people!!
I don't think 'oh dear he might be upset about the split so did want to be reminded of last year' washes either,if a resident parent did bother with a child all day or acnowledge their birthday for this reason, what do you think the respose would be!
How did your son take not hearing from his dad Ishe? was he very upset?

Maybe you're right Skeletonbones, but my previous bf's ex claimed in court that he did nothing for his daughter, couldn't even remember her birthday and never got her a card/present and didn't even call on her. The reality was very different from her perception of it. But I acknowledge her upset was genuine and that she probably really believed and was upset to think that he didn't remember his daughter's birthday.

I'm just trying to say that perhaps the OP needs to think about why he hasn't apparently done anything. Maybe he doesn't feel he can phone, and maybe he is planning to do something during his time with the children and wants whatever present he may have got to be kept at his house. Or maybe he did forget. It's not unusual for people to sometimes forget special events, yes even their children's birthday. And even if they do remember some people don't attach special meaning to them (my dad being one).

I simply pointed out that she might be jumping to conclusions and may be being upset at something that might not actually be the case. On the other hand it could well be the case. We do not know the full story here and the day is not over yet.

Also my suggestion of contacting him to say it's ok to call or to come over for tea might help them both deal with something that is (I would suggest) equally difficult for them both. He might not want to rock the boat or phone calls previously might have been difficult so he might not feel comfortable calling now. She has to let him know it's ok if it is. Most 4 year olds i know wouldn't be that interested in chatting on the phone to be honest.

Believe me I know how tough it is having parents who don't really bother about your birthday and aren't around for it and don't think to call you etc. I've had it all my life, and my parents are together! He's not a mind reader, if it is important to her son she needs to ensure that her ex knows and it's best to do this in a non confrontational manner rather than accusing him of being a bad father because he didn't send a card IMO.

I have let the boys phone him numerous times - to be told I am trying to give him a guilt trip (not the case - I am perfectly happy we are no longer together and desperatly want the boys the have that special father son relationship) the last time I let ds2 call (last week) after about 2 minutes ds2 handed the phone over and said he's "gone" - no good bye, nothing! text later to say another call came in! charming! I invited him to his birthday party on sunday to be told he's "busy" - I asked him if he wanted them at all (other than friday night) over easter...he had "plans" I asked him if he wanted them from 3pm on xmas day to boxing day evening - he was "busy" - it goes on and on.....

it just seems he cant be bothered - the boys asked him to come in our new house to see their new rooms - he didnt - I have no problem with him coming here, with him ringing my mobile to speak to the boys and I have given him our new land line....

It angers and saddens me that it seems he's too "busy" with other new "friends" to have time for OUR sons, but then again I guess its his loss, and when its someone else on their 18th taking them for that first legal pint (probably grandad!) I hope he remembers back to this birthday...........

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to facillitate a relationship between your ex and your boys, as the old saying goes you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink
Its very sad for children when their NRP chooses not be involved and doesn't put theri children first, My ex constatly lets my children down too, and its very difficult. I hope your son has a lovely day with his fab mum and a great party on Sunday. You have made sure that he has two lovely special days to remember so be proud of that.

was thinking of texting him to see if he wants them for tea - but, if he has forgotten this will put his back up even further, also,to be honest this is something i feel he should want to do

I dont think there is any excuse for a nrp not to turn up with a card and a present for their child whatever the cicumstances, its just excuses otherwise, ishe text your ex and ask him did he forget something ?

i know I should, but ds2 hasnt even noticed tbh, I think its just me its upset, as I really think he should want to be a part of this special day, I have plans now, going to take them to nannys for birthday tea and then home for 630 for a dvd and popcorn - bed for 730, glass of wine and a bit of reflection for me on how I picked such a nob head for such an important job!

well, I text a ? to him and got a "what" back - says it all yea!!!!!!!!

wondered how you were getting on. Sad to here your ex really & truly is the twunt we always expected him to be. All I can suggest is that you leave your ex to it, have you bought the "how to listen so kids will talk & talk so kids will listen"? It's a great book and teaches you how to let me talk/express feelings/thoughts so you can acknowldege them. Could be useful as your ds' become more aware of how he is letting them down?

Perhaps once the initial flush of freedom has gone he'll improve? Did he have dc from his marriage, did he bother with them?

Hugs

he sounds like a complete shit bag if you ask me....does he not realise that he's not hurting you anymore, but his own flesh and blood. You just hold your head high and know that you have done everything you can to get this man to have a relationship with his children. he will have to answer to them one day and it will be too little too late.

yea, he had two girls - and yes - had them every weekend, and on every holiday we ever went on, and for christmas etc etc etc.... since we split they have both (the girls) had their birthdays and I have made sure that I got them the presents that I would always have done and cards from me and they boys - christ they aren't even my kids and I make sure they know that I still think they are special, and he can't even do that for his own sons.

thanks for the book recommendation, have heard of that before so I might have a look see.

How can people do this to their own kids? It's beyond callous. and for you both IHIH

thanks - his loss tho - have asked them if he wanted to take them out for tea tonight so DS2 can at least get his present (I bought two transformers, gave exp one and gave ds2 the other, he needs the one I got for exp so he can play with them together if you see what I mean) and have had the standard stock reply - nothing....... prick!

and now after saying he will have them for the second week of the easter break I have more crap from this pathetic wanker.

he usually has them (or is forced to have them so he doesnt look bad to his shit head family) on friday night drop back saturday (as early as he can get away with) and now he said that if he is having them for the week he will not have them over night on the preceeding friday or the friday after, and he doesnt want them to sleep over, he wants me to drop off in the morning and pick up after work.

AIBU? I pointed out that I am not going on holiday when he has them that week, that I am working, that friday is the only time I can go out and saturday the only time I can do jobs or have a lie in with out the boys.

I am being driven mad - to the point where I want to say - look mr, you are obviously not interested, lets just say dont fucking bother at all.

o, and after saying he would come he didnt bother coming to DS2 party on sunday

Tempting but by the sound of his that is almost what he wants - in as much as that would make it "your fault" and get him off the hook.

Is there any valid reason for him not wanting them to stay over?

I know how horrible this can make you feel.

My DS is 5 now, his father hasn't acknowledged his birthday for the past three years, no card, present, phone cll, nothing.

I haven't heard anything from him in 2 years, have no phone number or address or anything. I don't know why he would just not care about his own child, but it's his loss now.

They are twunts, these men who can't be arsed to make any effort for their kids.

He'll be the loser - I know that doesn't help much now though.

I know - it just really pisses me off - I know he wants me to be the bad one - so he can say that I didnt let him see them - difference is he is thick and I have kept every single email (he wont talk to me!) that we have sent so if in years to come that bullshit comes out then I have some back up.

the expectation that he will have them (and want to) is worse when he doesnt - so if I take the expectation away perhaps I wont feel so bloody furious and let down on behalf of the boys all the time - thats my thinking anyway.

I have phoned work and will be working less hours on the second week - I had booked the first one off anyway and DS1 can go to a soccer club for 2 mornings and my mums another one - I dont actually NEED him to have them, I want him to want to have then iyswim.

latest up date from this bloody loser was not to turn up to pick the children up last night (after finally agreeing to have them for 1/2 terms 2nd week - on the proviso that as he is having them 4 nights in the week he has 4 friday night off!) He said he was working in london (no way - he's is a director and NEVER works weekends) with a customer and couldnt get away - so I had to put two very upset little boys to bed last night - when I dropped them off this morning (I had to work) I asked him to look me in the face and tell me he was working...

You guessed it, he couldnt

I said I couldnt believe that yet again he had put himself and his social life first, he had made a commitment to the children to pick them up, and to me - I could of have arranged to go out, and him not turning up would have knackered that!

His excuse - He's met someone really nice and wanted some more time with her...

Oh well, thats perfectly reasonable explanation for dropping your kids like a hot coal. I am so and bloody hurt and for the boys - what a toss pot