Ex is back again, please help!

[userzH]

Posted in AIBU but didn't realise there was a lone parents section.

Ds is 5.

The timeline goes like this:

Sept 2023 - ex left me after he was being abusive. He tried to come back but I refused.

Zero contact with ds for 3 weeks

Start of October 2023 - ex sees ds for a a couple of hours 3/4 times until end of October.

End of October - police is called as ex tells me js going to kill himself and it would by my fault.

Zero contact with ds for 6 weeks.

December 2023 - ex sees ds for the first time after the police involvement for 5 hours. He introduces his new gf to ds in this visit

He then has ds every other Saturday for 4 weeks

Ex then cancels 2 Saturdays in a row meaning he hasn't seen ds for 4 weeks however he had ds once for tea for 2 hours.

Ex then claims his mental health is bad. In total he hasn't seen ds for 6 weeks.

I have never stopped contact.

He has text tonight to say he is ready to have ds again. I've said I need to see an improvement. My gut says I can't just hand ds over to him after 6 months of complete inconsistency.

I've told him we can meet up the park and he can see ds for a couple of hours but even that I'm not happy about. I need to somehow build up the trust but I don't know how to do it. School are involved and social services have been - for the welfare of him and ds.

Ex claims his mental health is better now. However he has huge narcissistic traits, I don't trust a word he says.

My gut feeling is that I can't just hand ds over to him like nothing has happened. I really love my son so much and I don't want him to be anymore hurt than he already has been.

I also feel I need some firm boundaries in place. He can't just walk all over us like this.

He absolutely destroyed my mental health yet I would never (neither would most) usual that as an excuse to just abandon my child.

I think you’ve been very sympathetic up to now. For me I would have given up and blocked him after a warning/list of expectations at this stage. It’s hard to advise because these decisions and the consequences of them are something the person, you, has to live with and you have to be comfortable with it and feel you’ve done what’s best. I wouldn’t blame you if you told him to fuck right off - but I would understand you want to give him the opportunity to do right by your son. I think there can’t be many more chances, the boundaries have to be there. Think about what you are willing to give in terms of supporting him to be a dad? Can you do this shit for another 10 years and also support your child through confusion and upset, and deal with the fallout from his dad’s behaviour as an ongoing thing?

This is what I did with similar DD’s dad.

I gave him an email address and then blocked him everywhere else, so only contact was through the email.

I then said due to past behaviours and abuse I would await from his solicitor in regards to going to court. After that I did not send another message at all. He sent reams of abuse to the email addresss of course (evidence).

He never did go to court to see Dd, and I organised play therapy for her weekly so she has an outlet as to why her dad is such a cunt, but worded much nicer than that.

Honestly you’re giving him control which is what he craves. Be firm, set boundaries and stop offering contact.

Say you’re happy to instruct a solicitor on your behalf to organise a court date and then do not message again, do not reply to anything he sends. Chances are he won’t do a single thing and you’ll be free and clear.

It is far more damaging to a child to have a shit, flaky dad with a mum that is constantly trying to please them than a mum that can 100% concentrate on their child, and dad is not in the picture.

You can do this!

He blames his mental health on the fact that he has an older son who is 10 and he has decided he doesn't want anything to do with his dad anymore. He was my step son and I completely understand why he's walked away from his dad.

It's literally like my ex has text saying 'oh I'm fine again now, I'll see ds again' and doesn't think for a second he's doing anything wrong!

It's so hard.