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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

10yo wants more nights with dad (already 50/50)

16 replies

Levithecat · 27/02/2024 06:44

We have recently got to 50/50 shared care (was 100% me until about a year ago as exDH was in recovery as an alcoholic). He is now being a good dad and working with me ok. We live about 3 miles away from each other in a city

I have two DC - 5 and 10. My 10yo said he wants to have more nights at his dads, he suggested a week with his dad then three days with me. That isn’t workable, but should I be supporting extra nights so it’s not 50/50? The idea makes me sick tbh, but I’m worried I’m being selfish. I’d actually been hoping to increase my proportion of nights as I really feel the 50/50 is too disruptive - we do 5,5,2,2. ExDH wouldn’t consider it, so I suggested a week on week off which he is considering.

when I (gently!) asked DS why he wanted that, he said he didn’t see enough of his dad. I do think he worries about his dad, who is quite emotional/vulnerable. Other than that - he has a much bigger bedroom there, his dad only works part time while I work long hours and rely on wraparound care. His little brother has a lot of needs (on referral pathway for ASD and ADHD), so I also wonder if he wants more time away from him.

has anyone had to deal with similar? Is he too young to influence the shared care arrangement, or are their any other ways we could approach this?

I absolutely hate the idea but I guess as DC get older it’s a possibility. Ugh.

OP posts:

Mmmmdanone · 27/02/2024 07:05

Can his dad have him or want him the extra nights? My son asked for similar but at the end if the day we have to work around what me and his dad can manage. Its heartbreaking when you're not the preferred parent though, especially when you held it all together for years.

Original poster

Levithecat · 27/02/2024 08:07

Thanks for understanding @Mmmmdanone - my DP (doesn’t live with us) said kids can’t appreciate if til they’re adults. Which I suppose is a good thing - means we haven’t exposed them to all the horribleness too much maybe.

i think their dad could have him more as he works 4 days over 5, but he is deep in AA and goes to meetings daily etc so might not want to extra responsibility. I’m going to have to raise it with him, aren’t I…

OP posts:

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/02/2024 08:15

Maybe he has his sibling for 1 less day so it's just him and his dad one day/eve

SoupDragon · 27/02/2024 08:15

he is deep in AA and goes to meetings daily etc

I wouldn't let him go more often because of this. The contact is still fairly new and it sounds like your ex needs a lot of support at the moment and that isn't a job for a 10 year old.

I don't think this is the time for more contact.

tribpot · 27/02/2024 08:19

Your ex is fairly new to sobriety, I think it's too soon.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2024 08:21

Its heartbreaking when you're not the preferred parent though, especially when you held it all together for years.

I don't think it's about being the "preferred parent", it's about him being the "new parent". The OP is the solid rock and I bet her DS knows she will be there for him whenever he needs her - he doesn't know that about his father. She is also the parent who has done all the dull every day stuff and disciplined him!

bombastix · 27/02/2024 08:22

Yes what likely means is "I see my dad but he is not emotionally there". It may mean your son is actually thinking more time will change it; but it's what being done with the time now that will tell if it's working. Doesn't sound like your ex is fit really to be doing more parenting at this stage.

kiwiane · 27/02/2024 08:25

Just support your son within the current set up 50:50 is plenty of time especially when it could all go wrong if your ex starts drinking again. You’re the adult her and you don’t have to comply with your child’s wishes.

ManchesterGirl2 · 27/02/2024 08:26

I wouldn't let him change it at this stage, because it sounds like his dad is still quite new to working through his issues.

Sweetheart7 · 27/02/2024 08:31

Can he go to his dad for the entire week in school holidays?

Namerequired · 27/02/2024 08:37

Going from 100% to 50 in one year is a huge change. His dads is still a novelty. He also probably feels he missed out on him before and is afraid of losing him again. Hopefully in time he will be assured that won’t happen. I definitely wouldn’t send him to his dad anymore. Tell him if he still wants it when he’s 13/14 you can consider it then.

RandomMess · 27/02/2024 08:44

I think the DC would benefit from not going to Dads together at getting a night there on their own roughly once a week each - perhaps on the 5,5 rotation?

I know someone that does that and it works well. So one 5 with Dad one DC comes home a day early, the next 5 with Dad the other comes home a day early (or goes a day late).

It's presented as then getting one and one time with each parent and in their best interests.

I also think you explain to your eldest that although Daddy is a lot better now more time is needed before anything like that happens.

TBH if you were still together and your ex was well the DC wouldn't be "together" as much whereas at the moment they are probably always a pair and that's tough with the age gap as well as the additional needs.

Original poster

Levithecat · 27/02/2024 09:44

I’m so grateful for all these responses and ideas - it’s really reassuring. I have floated some one to one time as I think both would really benefit from this. Like the idea of staying not now, but we can revisit.
Also super reassuring to hear people agree it’s not the right time yet

thank you all so much 💐

OP posts:

Pinklanternspiral · 27/02/2024 10:38

Im diagnosed with ADHD and as part of the diagnostic process was asked if I had addiction issues. Due to the emotional dysregulation and impulsiveness that is part of the condition many ADHDers have addiction issues.As he sees you acting as a career for his sibling with similar personality traits it’s not surprising that he wants to mirror your behaviour and look after dad.

Id try and move away from the fixed thinking of any parental contact must be a rigid schedule of x nights here, x nights there. If it’s possible explain he can text dad and ask to go for tea, spend an hour playing football etc outside of the fixed contact schedule

Crunchingleaf · 28/02/2024 11:03

From an outsiders perspective I agree with what you’re doing. Some PP have given great advice.

I would add one point in that sometimes a child can feel the responsibility for caring for a parent. I would be inclined to make sure your DS doesn’t feel like it’s his job to take care of his dad. Once you get tied into that dynamic it can be had to break out of. As you said yourself your ex is still vulnerable.

Original poster

Levithecat · 28/02/2024 14:50

Thank you all so much, there’s definitely a bit of my eldest wanting to look after his dad, and that’s very embedded/fundamental - so I can see he feels that no matter what I say (or his dad). I’m going to suggest a one night for each child alone with each parent per fortnight (so alternating DC 1 and DC2) and also reiterating that he can go to see his dad (ie, more flexibility), but we’ll keep the arrangement as it is for now.

OP posts:

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