Grandparents perogative?

[Sickofthemall]

I'm wrung out with my ex in-laws. They can't stop buying stuff for my two children and it's drives me nuts. Without seeming ungrateful, I've had to tell them straight that I'm sick if their constant buying because they're being ruined and I want them to be financially savvy in future, rather than clicking their fingers/credit card whenever they fancy something that they don't really need! The kids Nsn has said it's a 'grandparents perogative' to treat/spoil them, but I can't stand having a tonne of coats/shoes wrc which I then have to make sure they're wearing when they see them, else God forbid they wear anything from their other grandparents. Am I in the wrong to put my foot down? Or is it a 'grandparents perogative'? Xx

You won’t stop this - my ex’s parents used to buy the biggest stupidest presents just because of their size - sand pits, giant rockets, Wendy houses, etc. and then we had to find somewhere to put these useless plastic pieces of crap the kids had no interest in. They stop as the kids grow up thankfully. Can you bring them back to the shop for a refund/exchange for something they actually need? Or the minute they get a new one sell the old one, give it to charity, or pass along to a friend? I like the idea of getting the kids to pack up their stuff and take it to a charity shop with you. Or you could be as bold as brass and say straight out, ‘Do you have the receipt for that?’ Can you get them to keep the stuff at the ex’s house? Or their house for when you visit? If they ask where something is just say it was ruined with pasta sauce and had to be binned.

aww I think it’s nice but then my ex has no parents and my mum doesn’t buy my kids anything even for Xmas and birthdays so obviously the wrong person to answer!

You sound pretty ungrateful to me.

Just reduce the amount that you buy for your kids and let the grandparents get on with it. There are worse crimes than being too generous.

FWIW, my dd was pretty spoilt by multiple people and she never wanted for anything. She is now an adult, not in the least entitled and very financially savvy.

Do they spend time at their dad's house? Is so, store it all there and he can sort out their outfits

Ps if they're v young you can take straight to charity shop or Vinted and put cash in your kids savings account or re gift for birthday party gifts

That's such a shame! Mine are extremely overbearing and tge MIL is a narcissist. It's awful! X

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I do feel ungrateful, but the issue here is much deeper tbh. The MIL has to have full control and has massively narcissistic tendencies (passed down to my ex) so it's pretty exhausting being in a battlefield constantly! She has a spending problem and tbh, I've enjoyed buying my kids what I want to fir the first time in 10 years! I've never bought their school shoes in the whole 6 years that theyve attended school and I want to have the pleasure of that as their Mom x

I'd love to, and that's what eventually happens when they grow out of stuff, but it's just too much and I'd like to have the pleasure of buying my kids school shoes etc for the first time since they started school 6 years ago! I am their Mom, after all! Thank you for the advice though xx

Send it to your ex's house

You need to be candid: "I want you to stop buying the children expensive presents. At Christmas and birthdays I will let you know what might be suitable. It is not your prerogative to spoil them - spoiling is bad for them and no-one should be doing this. I am the parent and it is my decision - you must stop this now."

Stop worrying about what they think. Buy the school shoes - what is ex-MIL going to do? Stop communicating with them and sell what the kids don't need, or drop the bits off at your existing house. And certainly don't worry about dressing the kids in the grandparents clothes! Dress them how you/the kids see fit and block the calls or texts from MIL. Stop letting them be your problem.

If only! They hate going there and they won't stay over because he's a nightmare - long story. But yes, I'm working on it xx

Omg thank you so much! The narcissism is relentless! I've been doing a lot of research on it and have only realised that my ex's behaviours have come from his mother! It's been eye-opening for sure. There's this thing called 'grey rock', where you don't react to them in any way. Pretty much what you've described. Thank you for your comment. I thought I was going mad! Xx

Definitely grey rock them and do as poster above suggests. You’ve asked them to stop, so if they buy stuff and they never see them wearing it, then tough. It drives me mad when grandparents do this as you’ve got no say over your kids turning into entitled brats getting what they ask for all the time. My parents used to spoil my eldest as I was only a teenager when he was born and lived there at home until 18. They never stopped spoiling him or letting him get away with murder and there’s such a difference to his attitude to life and the two children I raised with zero input from grandparents. Love him to bits but he is lazy and entitled and sometimes thinks the world owes him one. He’s too lazy to even set up a savings account and is missing out on thousands a year in interest. He wants someone to do everything for him, even as an adult. I mean my mum can see how them spoiling him turned out but it’s a bit late to turn back the clock.

Hand them in at a food bank.. And tell mil you have done so.

I'd say sell them and put the money in a separate account so that you and the children can have days out or put it towards a holiday. Say 'thank you' but nothing further - you don't need to explain yourself to them.

So glad you have the same opinion! Thank you so much! Xx

Let them buy what they want because you can't stop them but you also don't have to ensure that the kids are wearing anything they have bought when they see them. They're not respecting your wishes so you don't have to push yourself to make that effort.