Toughest or most Suprising challenges of being a lone mother

[FlyingHigh55]

Hello All,

Looking for some advice and your experiences. My partner and I have a 5 year old son and have been living together ( not married) for 7 years.

What has been the hardest bit of being a single mom for you? I am in a relationship that's just hanging on and wondering if I should leave or not.

Not having anyone to vent to when the kids are being arseholes 😂 but I'm completely by myself with no family around! I know you didn't ask for positives but since getting rid of my idiot ex I've gone from 3 kids to 2 so it's a lot easier now!

The crushing guilt that you’re not giving them enough.

Losing yourself entirely in their needs.

Far rather live with this than their father of course.

Doing it all alone but my ex isn’t involved so different to those that co-parent. My ex doesn’t see our children so I’ve raised them alone and that’s been the hardest part especially as I have no family help either.

Just to add we don’t co-parent either, he has them EOW but other than that zero contact in between unless it’s to send instructors as to what I am to send with them for visitation. It’s beyond him to provide the basics of course.

My son is now 16 and we’ve been a duo since he was a few weeks old, with his dad having a fairly on-off relationship with him.

I can hand on heart say that being a peri-menopausal 46 year old woman living with a 16 year old boy has almost broken me, several times. I say that as a secondary school teacher so I’m normally pretty good with teens! Trying to maintain a healthy, loving relationship while being the parent and knowing that neither of you really understand each other is hard going, and there’s no one else there to dilute the tension. We had a superb relationship until we both hit these stages in our lives, I’m very open with accepting that my hormones leaving the building play as much a part as my son’s hormones wreaking adolescent havoc!

But… staying in an unhealthy relationship…. that’s not okay. You’ve just got to trust that you’ll navigate through whatever comes your way.

I guess the hardest part for me is having no days or nights to myself, ex hasn’t once had the children overnight since we split 8 years ago, not once. I would have given anything for even once a month a night to myself as it’s really taken it’s toll on my mental health never getting any time to myself and feel like I’m wishing my children’s childhood away I also feel like I would be a better parent if I got some breaks to myself even very minimal.

Ex going from being a hands on dad when we were together to being useless, barely having them and not financially helping at all. I think dealing with him is the most stressful bit because I feel like he does stuff to still exert any kind of control (not having them last min so I can't go out, financially etc) and make my life harder as does OW. I think that's the main tipping point for any single parent, if you and the other parent co parent well, can communicate and are on the same page it makes the world of difference, with my ex it feels like point scoring and I find it very anxiety inducing, there's no routine and I can't rely on him for anything, if I ask for help he will then go out of his way to be more difficult. E.g I recently I hurt my ankle and he refused to pick them up (he lives within 5 minutes) so didn't have them, so I then had to look after them while in pain and sort someone else to have them while I went to a and E to get an X-ray.

That said I've kind of learnt to expect nothing from him now and do have a great friend and family support network, have met a new partner but occasionally the ex will do something that will get to me. He is by far the worst co parent out of all of my friends though and I probably know about 10ish divorced parents, others have been bad as in not paying on time or less etc but not to his scale so I think my experience is an extreme.

I agree with all this, it's incredibly hard. At first my ex had eow but doesn't have them at all now.
Was particularly hard when I was stick in bed very ill for 3 days. Had to order takeaways every meal time and they answered the door. My lowest moment I think.

Having to deal with ex

Echoing what everyone else is saying, if you're a lone parent where the other parent does very little, it's the relentlessness of it.

Entirely responsible for them all day, every day. An evening out would cost triple what it costs my friends because I need to pay for a babysitter, the few times I've had to go away for work I have to organise well in advance so my parents can come and look after them, and with work and them, I just don't have opportunities for any out of the house hobbies (they'd have to come too anyway). Sitting alone in a living room in the evening feels too sad, so I go to bed early and get up early.

I wouldn't change it, because like PP, I've pretty much changed 3 kids for 2, and at least I'm not also living a life continuously disappointed, frustrated and sometimes angry.

The kids will grow up, my ex would only have become worse.

Having to co parent and being still completely at the mercy of his controlling and abusive ways.

Hardest part was just the relentlessness of the early days -newborns and toddlers - but you know it's not forever and there's plenty of joy in those times too. After that it's been pretty plain sailing.
Ex was not the kind or good man he pretended to be before. Infinitely better without him.

I had similar in the summer holidays, I slipped a disc in my back and I could barely walk without crying in agony the pain was horrendous. I could just about get up to the toilet and that took holding on to furniture and walls to get around, the pain was honestly horrific and having the children to look after on my own was awful. I couldn’t cook for them, couldnt clean up, couldn’t take them out. Would have given anything for a decent ex I could have called to come and take the children to give me a break and so they could get out of the house as we was stuck in for quite some time (about a week) 😕

Dealing with the behaviour problems
Relentless.
Goes round and round in my head.
Constantly gets me down.

#(behaviour problems are not caused by us being separated I don't mean that. But at 10 years old the behaviour's not right 😢)

This is me though I am on hrt now .

i felt like i had a breakdown in his year 11.. I am on antidepressants as a result .

I worked with young children rather than teenagers. Never felt so close to been broken even with his dad who was abusive

@user63737383882 I hear you, it’s the cruelty of the behaviour that is so unbelievably unnecessary.

My ex is the same, and I’m waiting for the day he realises how much I hate him, and really was so relieved when we separated - he cheated, but by that point, I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him but didn’t want to break up the family. I’m also indifferent and I don’t think about him unless I get a nasty email which is becoming quite frequent again unfortunately.

It’s galling he thinks I’m jealous, and unforgivable he punishes me every way he can his belief and made and make his life difficult.

Rant over - I’ve found my anger this year 😅

I’m the only person he’s very close to (18mo) so he cries with anyone else, even with my family he’s constantly looking for me out the window and apparently just sits by the door until I come back. All their attention is on you so it’s probably harder to separate, I couldn’t even leave him alone with his own father without him being scared and crying. This is probably just a small toddler/baby problem though. People say ‘just leave him with your mum/his dad/etc’ and it’s like ‘I literally CAN’T because I’m all he’s ever had’ and they just don’t get it. Professionals included.

The hardest part for me is having to be everything to everyone all of the time and feeling that whatever I do is never quite enough. My kids are 7, 11 and 14. I work full time, the evenings are spent taking the kids to various activities, helping with homework etc and weekends are mainly catching up with housework. I feel as though I am the dull boring parent as there is very little time for fun as a family, whereas when their Dad has them ever other weekend he is able to take them out and about and have fun.

It is much better than the alternative of living with their Dad though as that was unhealthy for everyone

For me it was having to do all the school run’s, holiday clubs, swimming lessons, football clubs, horse riding! You get the picture. Their dad was involved but spent 7yrs of their childhood over seas so most fell to me. Plus a stressful, initially part time the full time.

I was about to write fixing the washing machine but I realise if I could have paid someone to do all those things I would have. It was the needing to watch every penny just in case that's very draining and I earn a reasonable salary.

That I want to go to bed earlier than DS.ut have to stay up till it's reasonable to make him go to bed.

For me it's when my son (18 months) gets sick and you have to make all the judgement calls. I hate trying to judge whether a fever or a rash or a sickness bug is just somrhing going round or something that is serious and warrants a trip to a and e. It's such a huge responsibility making these big decision alone with nobody else to sound them off. The heightened responsibility of the buck stopping with you and you alone scared me. That said I am also proud of being his Mum and our relationship. I am proud that I care so much about getting things like this right and am effectively keeping his best interests at heart 24/7 despite the tiredness and anxiety at times. Much solidarity to you all xx

The hardest thing is that people don't understand how tough it can be. It is relentless and it can be hard to convey to others sometimes how hard it is. People think they understand because their partner works long hours, or went away for a week for work etc. It's not the same.

The financial pressure, career limitations, curbs to social life, etc. are all yours alone. You can't be sad or ill, you just have to ignore that and get on with things.

When the kids get sick, you're with them, but then fall behind with work (and housework)

Everything takes twice as long because there is only one person to do it all.

It would be much easier if one person could do homework while the other one cooked, or one person could clean up while the other one got the kids to bed, or one person could take the kids to them clubs while the other person does the food shop, but all those things that coupled-up people can do in tandem, you have to do in series, so the day is just very, very long. Every day. People will tell you to give yourself a break, but it is impossible to have a break from it as things still need to get done and there isn't anyone else who is coming to do it.

I endorse everything @BreakingAndBroke and @ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere and @LilBus has to say.

Its the relentlessness of it all. There is nothing left for me. I don’t recognise myself. I could never go back to the shitshow of a marriage that I had. But since leaving it, my Ex has gone no contact with my 2 DC and everything is left to me.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel that can’t get off. I feel constantly in ‘fight or flight’. I yearn for a night or weekend where I have no responsibility.
I get kindly offers, rarely but occasionally, for looking after my 2 girls for a few hours. But that isn’t enough to allow me the process of humanising myself again.

I feel sad that they have a parent who is always tired and never has energy - and often is short fused, simply because of the sheer pressure getting though each day. I feel like an elastic band that is pulled so tight, I can hardly believe it can be pulled anymore - and yet still each day keeps passing, and I am pulled ever tighter with no relief.

Something has to give - but I don’t know how to give myself self care. I truly don’t.