Problems with Ex-Husband need some advice.

[squinny101]

I left my ex-husband who was extremely controlling bordering on violent four years ago after five years of systematic mental and emotional abuse. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and a child with me. He has never been a 'great' dad. he has always been extrememly lazy and basically can very rarely be arsed with the whole parenting thing. After two and a half years battling with the CSA I'm finally getting regular maintenance.

My main problem at the moment is this. Whenever he has our son, he never picks up his phone ever. I only have his mobile number as he changed the house number when I moved out. I have got on with my life with my new partner and we have two lovely children together.

I have no idea where i stand legally but he is demanding to take my son away on holiday. I dread this as he does not pick up his phone when his thirty miles away let alone in a whole other country.

Also his 12 year old daughter has just told him she wants nothing more to do with him as he constnatly messes her around (hasn't seen her since Christmas). I found out today that she has started cutting herself over it.

I really dont' want my son around this man when he has a completely negative attitude towards me and women in general. he is constantly fighting with his new girlfriend around my son but if I ever say anything he just tells me to fuck off.

Any advice please?

Bless you Squinny - you're putting this everywhere to cover all your bases. Try 'Good Housekeeping' and they'll tell you to pop the kettle on and have a slice of lemon drizzle cake .

Do you think your son puts any value on his relationship with his dad or does he just go because he has to? It must be quite scary for him to be around a couple who are fighting and to not have any means of contact with you.

contact a solicitor to find ot what your rights are.

By the way, Squinny, I don't think Xenia in the other thread quite grasped how dysfunctional your ex is.

I have been told that if we went to court, he would get half the summer holidays etc. etc.

I don't believe that his father adds any value to his life. He does not particularly enjoy going round there and tells me that daddy makes him go back to sleep (basically because he can't be arsed to get up).

I just wanted some feedback on what other parents in my situation would do - which is why I told Xenia to put herself in my shoes.

i am in your shoes.

why are you calling when he has ds? wouldnt you feel like he was checking up on you if you only had ds a short amount of time and he had to ring you? how would you feel if he did not allow you to take your child on holiday? do you never do anything ds doesnt like? how would you feel if your ex dictated how you were allowed to behave around his child?

you need to remember
a) ds is half his, not just yours
b) you are not getting the full story from ds. you are getting his point of view.

he sounds like a git, but as judge judy says - you picked him! im sorry i sound so mean, my ex is also a git (and far worse than yours from what you said about him) but you are just torturing yourself. so many people on here advise people to get supervised access but ime it doesnt work like that, you just have to take a deep breath an get on with it. try to be positive to ds, dont put his dad down even if you really really want to. remember that if you do slag off your ex you are telling ds half of him is crap too. i dont think there is much you can do im afraid other than telling yourself and ds that it would be really fun to go away and then hopefully you will start to believe it.

How much time is your son with your ex? How old is your son? And what reason do you have for calling him while he is with him? What makes you think your ex wants to take your son abroad for a holiday? There are lots of possibilities in the UK. Also if your ex is really that lazy and not a particularly 'good' parent in your eyes why would he even bother to take his child on holiday? So maybe he's not as lazy as you say...?

It doesn't sound like you have any court order or agreement in place though. What is the current situation with regard to contact and is this by court order? Does your son stay overnight with his dad and how much time and how frequently does he spend with him?

Lots of questions, now for some specifics...

With no court order in place you have to get permission of all those with PR to take a child abroad. If you have residency you can take child abroad for up to 28 days without permisson, though of course if you miss any contact specified in a court you will need to get agreement for this change or risk being taken back to court for an enforcement order. Courts mostly find holidays good for children and allow these to go ahead, bear that in mind if you intend to object.

If you refuse to allow him to take him on holiday your ex could apply to court for a specific issue order to take your child on holiday. Does he have PR? By being obstructive you might force him to court where he is likely to get PR (if he doesn't already) and fixed contact time including significant holiday time.

Some kind of compromise where you might agree to a weekend away in the UK and specify your son phones you at a specific time each day while away could be a starting point. Moving on from there they could have a long weekend, then a week away in the UK again and then moving on to a holiday abroad.

Gilly

squinny if you dont feel comfortable with him taking your son abroad then say no, you have a right to call your ex when he is in charge of your son, would your ex not like it if you didnt let him speak to his son when he called up when it wasn't his night for access ? maybe you are better of having something legal drawn up and having your son's point of view heard, there is nothing worse when you are a child and being forced to visit the nrp when you dont want too, maybe take a visit to the cab and speak to someone.