When fathers opt out

[Betterbuckleupbarbara]

What is it with men who father children then completely opt out of parenting.

I understand not all men are like this of course, but in my DCs case the older they get the less contact he wants and the more he leaves me to it.

Moving away and reducing contact, I just don’t get it.

I feel terrible for my DC as it’s really damaging them, as their father has created upheaval after upheaval, and whilst its enormously impacted my work - he has to be forced by the CMS to pay maintenance so this is an issue - I just don’t understand the mindset.

He’s extremely sexist and seems to think the sole purpose of women is to fight over men - that’s a whole other conversation, but the majority of what he does is just to cause disruption and get his own way.

He is an absent parent and was extremely abusive, so limited time is no bad thing, but I still can’t understand how he is so blind to the damage he’s causing.

Why are these men allowed to make decisions based only on what they want and damn everyone else.

The courts enable this as one can’t force a father to spend time parenting but this is morally reprehensible on all counts.

In all fairness however, this is the guy who drove me to a break down with his drinking and rages during a very complicated pregnancy almost dying during child birth mind you, so I’m not expecting miracles 😊

He sees it as a power trip so thinks he’s won when he gets his own life way, not realising each time he changes the goal posts to suit his demands there is a fall out.

Anyone managed this situation and their DCs father ‘saw the light?’

My children’s father doesn’t see or bother with them. Hasn’t properly for years, never done a school run, never had them overnight not even once, been years without seeing them. There’s just no involvement he may as well be dead. But I don’t really even talk about it as any time I have been blamed, people tend to blame the woman ime. “Well your own fault for picking a feckless loser to have kids with”

@GaroTheMushroom yes, what is that all about too. The usual misogyny, and absolution of all responsibility for these wasters.

I despair that it’s tolerated in our society as the future implications are enormous as we know.

Thing is when men bully women because there are children involved there needs to be a legal mechanism in place to prevent this, I think coercive control around contact should be spoken about more.

No advice but you have my sympathy.
My daughters haven't seen their Dad for years. He was a quietly controlling abusive man and did nothing other than take what he wanted from our marriage. I truly thought once we were apart he would have to step up and parent 1 weekend a fortnight but instead of stepping up he stepped out. He gpt a new partner moved away and adopted the convenient narrative that id turned his dc against him. I also have to have csa chase him for support whilst i struggle along doing it all myself. It is shit and the irony is he desperately pushed for me to have kids.
Its so messed up.

@Forthelovagod sounds exactly the same as my DCs dad.

He doesn’t want me to have any time to progress, which I can’t get my head around.

My DC are starting to realise that he is an absolute arsehole which is shocking that they have been out in the position to think of their dad in this way, but he’s not interested and they can tell.

Out of sight, out of mind I guess.
My ex went from involved dad to someone who is considered good because I don’t have to chase him after maintenance and he sees one of our three children EOW. (One is NC and the other is VLC) I suspect that he has no idea how much damage he’s done and sees it as a fair price to pay for being able to do who and what he wants.

Another thing I get told is that I should feel lucky he doesn’t bother! They totally don’t understand the effects an absent father has on children. My children are clearly damaged by it. But because it means not having to “share” my children I should feel lucky. I am someone who believes that children do need a father figure I know people are quick to dismiss fathers and say kids don’t need one but I disagree and I’m left to pick up the pieces.

Without doubt it is damaging when a parent abandons you. My daughters are both affected by this.... Its a trauma. They may pull off their confident 'better off without him' narrative but they hurt over this big time.
And meanwhile he is living his single life with his partner, no dc, and his narrative of how i turned his dc against him.

I don't think it's a good idea for courts to force non resident parents to spend time with their children if they don't want to. That would cause more damage than not seeing them at all.

These men pass their damage on to their children without a care in the world.

@PutMyFootIn I would advocate for an intense course / programme these men should be placed on to force them to face their abusive and neglectful behaviour but that’s obviously wishful thinking.

@Betterbuckleupbarbara , my ex hasn’t seen my daughter for 20 years. He abandoned her for his new wife and child . It’s awful, but he’s such a hideous person , that I feel she has been better off without him . He definitely wouldn’t engage in any type of therapy, because nothing is ever his fault.

@Toomanysquishmallows Thats disgusting, what is wrong with him, and as I said before how can women marry such revolting specimens.

I will never understand it.

It should be enshrined in law that abandonment like any other form of interpersonal abuse carries a punishment. I’m sure society would rectify itself to some degree, and any sign of corruption, well in my utopia of course there isn’t any to begin with so we don’t need to worry about that now do we!

In all seriousness I’m so sorry for you and your daughter he sounds utterly diabolical too.