do your folks help you out a lot? If not, how do you manage?

[Flight]

Mine have been there all the way, since ds1 was born. But it is at a cost. It's started to dawn on me that my mother is not as helpful as she could be, in that yes she does practical things but it's accompanied by a lot of criticism, undermining and so on, and it's making me so angry that I find myself taking it out on the children, or using self-harm to get rid of the anger enough to maintain a pleasant relationship with her.
I'm getting some great advice and support on other threads about all this, but my question is, how do you manage being a single mother/parent without close family?

I think I have to get away from my parents but am worried about dealing with things like appointments (I'm getting some therapy) and if one of us is ill (particularly me) and we can't get out for milk - or worse, if I am too ill to look after the children. (It doesn't happen very often but has been known, and she has always stepped in to help.)

Any experience would be useful, thanks .

I dont have any family support-it has been years since they helped or even seen them.

I do struggle sometimes. But I have learned to be organised. I used to have a small milk and loaf in the freezer-for emegencies (forgetting to buy milk of being unwell) and make sure I have something to eat.

I have been too ill to look after the kids sometimes. And that is really awful. The house goes to pieces-and i have had to get the kids to phone up for a takeaway ( I was once unable to move or speak for weeks)

the kids know that youre not well-and they are great though.

But its horrible. I make sure I try and eat healthily most of the time-and try and relax, not work too hard as I dont want to make myself ill

And its hard not getting a break either. I got up early (kids are lying in a bit today) as I wanted a bit of me time

Thankyou AW. It sounds as though you cope well. In theory i think I won't mind the 'me time' thing, but that's probably because reality hasn't hit yet
I always feel; like I cope much better emotionally when my parents are NOT around - despite mum insisting that I need her. I started to believe her and that is not good.

Hope they have a lie in for you today

You have my utmost respect btw for doing it alone.

flight do you have any close friends? I'm not close with my parents - emotionally or hysically, mum lives 50 miles away, dad lives 280 miles away). but i do have a couple of friends i can call if i really am stuck, they dont take the chidlren off, they have their own filies, but will pop in some bits from chemist/ milk etc if we are poorly

My parents are hardly any help at all, despite living 2 minutes walk away for around 6 months of the year, having told me I should buy a house near to them so they could be close to help me out!

I was very ill recently and unable to take care of myself let alone my son. I keep a freezer with bread etc in it as we live in a very rural location and i can't get to teh shops more than every 7/10 days. But we had no milk, ran out of fruit and veg and no means of getting any. I felt completely isolated and alone. Even getting my son to and from school was difficult when i was vomiting for a week.

My parents were off on one of their many trips abroad (6 months this one is), my sister and the couple of friends i do have all have children who go to different schools, and i was too ill to get out of bed let alone try and contact any of them.

Another (recently single) mum stopped me outside school when i was dropping my son off and asked if i was ok as i looked dreadful apparently. I was in my pj's with my coat over the top! I broke down and told her that i couldn't go on like this and simply couldn't do this any more. She came round later the same day with some food for us and has been checking up on me ever since.

After a further week my neighbour came round to check on me as my car had been outside for a while and her bf has said she she go round to check on me as they were wondering why i hadn't been going to work. She offered to get me some shopping too. It made me realise that in fact there are people I could ask for help, and to take all offers of help and to ask for help too.

A friend recently told me that i should stop thinking that my parents should help me out more and just accept that they won't and that they're not around for me, even when they are physically 2 minutes walk away. And she's right, because it's been eating me up for ages thinking they should do more and why can they not see how tough it is for me.

They simply can't do emotional support, have no understanding of the difficulties of being alone, and they criticise constantly and make me feel useless. If my son didn't love going there to see his cousins when they visit i'd probably have completely stopped going round there by now. In fact I stopped popping round last summer and have stopped doing chores like mowing their grass while they're away and checking their post and phone messages, watering the plant, doing their ironing... All this while listening to them complain at the state of my own house and how i really should do something about the mess and if i'm feeling down to go to the doctor for some pills to fix that, and look how lovely my sisters house is and how she's practically on her own as her husband works shifts...

So no, I don't get much help or support from my family, though they make out they bend over backwards to help me and how great it is for me to have them just down the road from them to help me out...

Gilly, they sound like they are awful to you.
Mine do try to help and my dad is lovely, so I feel like I am better off than you in that sense...at least they are not overt with their criticism - mum is very controlling but it is subtle.
I am heartened by your story and glad you found friends when you needed them - that's just the kind of situation I mean, where you literally can't cook or shop or get the kids to school. It terrifies me but then I know it is quite rare for it to be that bad (so far!) and I guess we would find a way to manage.
I'm starting near to home though, it would be hard work to move away physically so I;m trying to put barriers in place. Today she rang and when I said Ds was sick, she offered to have him - but I know she will catch it if she does, and then make me feel terrible, so I said no thankyou, we will be fine. She got defensive then and hung up quickly.
Whenever I see her holding my younger one, I always feel an urge to grab him back - so she can't get 'closer' to him than me, like she tried to do with Ds1, and then imply I'm a shit parent and hate him because he likes her better.
I'm glad it's possible to be near to your parents and still keep them at arms length/avoid the hurt a bit.
Wishing you well
x

Sometimes I just don't 'get' parents. Is it a generational thing.

I always think that I would hopefully be there to help my d out in the future.

My parents are rubbish, and I don't get any help on a practical level.

When dd5 was born, and i had an awful pg and labour, with ongoing SPD, for yrs, my mother di nothing to help me.

They are divorced, but she never came over to let me sleep, let me rest, or even make me a slice of toast!!!

I have never understood it really.
She now lives abraod, and had lived there since dd was about 4 months old, so me and ex dh, were alone with it really, having moved to a new area, where we only know my dad. Yet he and his gf weren't interestred either.

Nowadyas, I still cope on my own, altho I do have two friends here who would always help me if they could. Yet they have dc's too, so its not easy for them. Yet emotionally since dh scarpered, they have always been there for me.

My sis is local to me, but doesn't bother either. I think its quite rare to hear of families who bend over backwards for each other.

Divorce, family issues, personal issues always get in the way. I hope that I will be there for my dd one day when she needs it.

It gets lonely tho, and makes you down, on the other hand youend up taking nothing for granted and I feel I have had to grow up and get stronger, to fill in the gaps.

All these parents who don't try to help, and here I am complaining that mine do

I just wish they didn't throw in the emotional blackmail I suppose.

Piratecat that thing about growing up and coping - I love that feeling when you've had a really tough week, and somehow survived without them (I get that when they go away on holiday)

Then as soon as they come back, I feel like a child again, and one who is considered unable to manage.

It'll be a bit like jumping off a cliff into the water I think. Sink or swim but ultimately liberating. And hard work.

My mother lives 3 hours away and my fil is 82, so no help from my 'parents'. I do have great neighbours who are like adopted grandparents and they help me with evening babysitting occasionally but other than that I don't have any help at all. Completely by myself as i'm widowed so no exdh to have dd either. I get by mostly with the occasional breakdown .

should add fil is 82, in very poor health and also lives over 2 hours away and have no siblings in reasonable distance either. Can you hear the violins

Delgirl, who do you talk to? I mean, do you have someone who really listens?

When I stop talking to my mum, I feel really lonely. I kind of like having someone to share things with, even though she usually criticises or throws stuff back in my face - if I say it's been a tough day with ds she imagines I have been beating him or something, you can tell by her voice.

Yet I still tell her everything - is it called 'oversharing'?

How do you manage?

I am lucky in that my parents help without being PITAs and also DS dad is a good dad. Are all of you in the situation where XPs are so toxic you can't ask them for help as the DC's other parent?
The best advice I can offer is to get in touch with Gingerbread or some other lone parent organisation, try and pal up with other local lone parents so you can help each other out, take each other's DC to the park for an afternoon and give each other a break etc.

tbh, i'm not, very well at the mo, managing that is. Getting by but it is a struggle. DD is 3 next month and has some health problems and it is a struggle at the mo but it'll get better i'm sure.

I talk to anyone who'll listen, my poor neighbour and some friends get a whole heap of jumbled talk from me if i;ve not seen anyone to talk to for a while . All my thoughts for the week come out lol. It's hard, I must admit and then you feel guilty for not being as patient as you should. I just get by. Sorry, a bit jumbled. See what I mean lol

better go and give dd some attention and go swimming and 'do lunch' we do that alot

Delgirl, that sounds fab

Madamez...well, sadly, yes...Ds2's dad is more toxic than my parents. Also he would not help. He didn't even turn up when we arranged for him to visit last year, he has never seen his son.
Ds1's father is tricky. I turned up at his house last Xmas to invite him to Ds's play...he said he was too busy.

Well done for staying civil with your ex

I have trouble remaining calm within sight of either of them.

And Delgirl sorry you're having a rough ride at the moment. It can't be easy.

FLight, sorry your XPs are such tossers. Where I got lucky was with DS dad being an old pal rather than an actual partner (DS not planned, complete surprise etc) so even though he was a bit useless at first and fucked off for most of my pregancy, he has been fine ever since, and the big thing is that, because we hadn't been a couple for years and years, there's been none of the break-up bitterness between us.

My mum can be great at times - she looks after ds (2.4) when I ask and she lives 2 hours away. I usually ask for a night out once a month so she ties it in with a weekend visit. Its great and I don't meant to sound ungrateful but its the aftermath when she is gone - she doesn't put DS to bed on time she lets him get away with not sitting and eating dinner properly etc...but he thinks she is the best thing ever!

Ive been alone since pregnancy and I honestly could not do without her but its trying to get DS back into it when she has gone home. I would never say anything to her as she is fantastic but sometimes it feels easier to stay in!

have really wanted help but not expected it.....all my family live so far apart. Its been really tough and lonely for me and DD,but Im learning to get on with it, and ask favours of people, even those I dont know really well.
it works out!
Im reading this thread with interest, and think that generally self assertivism is not something that comes easily, with asking for help, and also setting boudaries in close relationships.
Ive been working on this personally and its worked wonders for confidence in parenting, and getting the support I need.

My mum helps me. She lets me hitch a lift with her to work and drop the kids off at school/nursery on the way. (Because i'd be really stuck otherwise as I cant drive) If there is some kind of emergency she will also help and will babysit once a month if i needed her to so I cant grumble too much.

She does throw it back in my face often though, if I wanted emotional support, forget it. She turns her nose up at my house even though its much cleaner and tidier than hers. When I had dd by caesarian (on my own) she stayed with me for two weeks to "help". What she actually did was throw dirty tissues and rubbish all over my floor. Although she did wash up a couple of times.

When I went on holiday for a few days once she came and fed my cats for me but instead of using the bin, she left all the tins on the worktop above the radiator. (ABOVE THE BIN!!) It was like something had died in here when I got back.

She also constantly digs at me about how I treat the kids "Oh dont tell her off, look what you're doing to these children, they're frightened of you blah blah" (they're not). She constantly undermines me and has actually physically taken my kids twice to her house and refused to let me in!? (She's a big drama queen my mum), likes to make out they are mistreated and she is their "saviour". She puts me down all the time.

Today I went to work and she looked after them both until lunchtime. She was very subdued when I collected them and admitted it had been hard work. I told her this is what I do every day (in an effort to make her understand that its not as easy as she'd like to make out). She said "Oh, but you're young". .

She is the kind of person who thinks I should let them do whatever they want, for an easy life and then interferes and throws a big hissy fit when I dont. That, to her is mistreating them (see above). She's hard work.

I dont expect her to do anything for me. But my friend who is also a single mum has a mother who will happily give her a lift to the DIY shop say, because she cant carry everything back, or offer to have the kids for her if she's so ill she cant move. My mum would go ape if I ever dared ask for anything so frivolous!! A lift to work is ok because its work, and she'll babysit one a month so I can (in her own words) "go out and find a boyfriend". Anything else? Nah.

My mums absolutely brilliant. She helps me out financially, emotionally and with childcare. She even came and did my ironing for me today and watched DD so I could nip out for half an hour. She has DD twice a week and babysits for me if I'm having a night out. XP took his tv when he moved out and I couldnt afford to buy one straight away so mum bought me a 32" LCD tv. She's brilliant with DD and often drops milk n nappies off for her. Speak on the phone at least once/twice a day and see her maybe 4 times a week

Birky she sounds wonderful. Mine offers to do things like that but whe I accept, it is obvious she thinks I'm a bad mother for needing her. It's like she has 'won' almost, like she's saying 'see, I told you you needed me, you would be nothing on your own'.

LHA that sounds quite confusing. Lots of us seem to have strange mums!

I just hope I'm as good a mum to my DD as my mum is to me even when she's 23

My PIl are fantastic they take the kids when I am working, over night when needed and feed us half the week, they live round the corner. MIl goes out for lunch with me a lot and they go to all the kids shows etc.

My mum lives too far away, but I know if I had a crisis my mum and brother would come down and help or take the kids for a few days, but I have never neede to do that.

Am so glad all you mums have so much help...there is nothing for us. At all.

I only asked my mum not to smoke in my home, nd she kicked off..not spoke since, not even to my dad. Not in contact with cousins or aunts or anything...pisses my kids off.
6 mopnths down the line, my mum isnt smoking in her own home (but she culdnt do it for me)
i have no best mates, just the clients i work for... hmmmmmmmmm

Purple One I'm so sorry to read that. People can be so hurtful.
My parents are taking Ds1 this morning, for a couple of hours. I'm really anxious about just seeing them but he loves them so I don't want to stop that.
Has your mum always been so mean? Do you feel as though you cope without that support?
I really want to reach that place in my head where I know I can cope. At the moment it is full of the voice saying 'you'll fail' and I think I need to just do it and prove that I can survive without them.