Scared to go it alone

[crazymumo4]

I am a mum of 4. 3 boys and a baby girl and have just realised that I don't actually love him anymore. Am in total despair. He is a fantastic father, doesn't go out drinking, gambling etc but he feels more of a brother than a partner.
Financially it would be shite, the kids would miss him awfully and I am scared to be alone.
But, I do not love him. This is not fair on the children, me or him. HELP!!!

If you have a baby your hormones could be all over the place still, dont be hasty, if you get on together ok I would give it another 6 months or so.

crazymum, is it really that bad? maybe this is wrong of me but living with someone who is like a brother and is a fantastic father sounds like a fairly healthy way to bring up kids, especially if they are just little.

and i say this as a single mum whose exdh was definitely of the going out variety

I know I have a good man but at the same time I can't bear it when he touches me. I must hurt him when I make all the lame excuses and he deserves someone who loves him, not someone who is cold and unaffectionate.

from what i hear from my friends still with partners and with young kids, problems with the physical side seem to be the norm. did you have similar feelings after your dss were born?

We've been together since we were teenagers and have beat a lot of problems. But despite all this, our relationship is at the end. Do you stay together for the kids? Do they actually benefit from this?

Yes I did, but forced myself to carry on. But just can't keep up the pretence.

Have you told him any of this?

the consensus of some of my friends seemed to be that yes, you did stick it out, btu that at some point in the future you might leave. I don't know about benefit, I think they are really damaged by obvious conflict but you haven't said anything about that.

that is what happened to my xdh, i no longer was attracted to him and cringed when he came near me. we did not have kids so it was easier to leave. but if he is a good man he will understand the situation and hopefully yu can work out how to work around it whether hw moves out or not. but you only get one life so if it is not for you then maybe itis time to have a chat with him.

I feel it's not very fair to walk out on your husband without giving him a chance to know what is wrong and to see if you can both find solution.

Don't be hasty. I know people who left their husband/partners because they felt they weren't in love any more or after a silly row and bitterly regret it when they find it's actually a lot harder to go it alone then it is to live with a 'friend' who is great in all otehr respects. Also they tend not to expect their partners to find someone else quite so quickly while they're on their own with the kids, no money and little support and no social life or chance to find someone else themself...

Have you thought about going for councelling to see if you can overcome this? Is it really worth throwing away someone who is a good father and provider without trying to at least explain your feelings and work out if there is a solution. Yes it must be hurtful for him, but what can he do when he tries to approach you and you knock him back, yet you say it's just like having a brother/friend. There's something more to this...

Four children can be a real handful I would imagine. Maybe you just need a break, or a rest, or more help, or maybe it's something deeper, and maybe it isn't fixable. Working through your feelings with a councellor, alone and together, to see what is behind all this could be helpful for you both.

People do grow apart, and feelings change, but surely it's worth trying to work this out. And if there is no soultion then you can at least say you tried, for your sake, his sake and for the children.

So phone RELATE and get an appointment, and if he is reluctant to go along tell him that you really need this and will be going whether he comes or not.

Best of luck
Gilly