Am I being a cow ?

[LollyPopLouie]

Split with ex when child was young due to emotional and financial abuse. He barely saw him citing work and socialising as a get out clause. 2 years ago he found a partner and agreed to do 30pc. Basically because the partner will help. His mum died recently and I get he's very upset but he keeps asking to have our child more. Often interrupting plans. Aibu to say no?

[username268]

It's hard to say with the info you've given.

Has your ex ever been abusive towards your child? If so, then you should say no to protect them.
Are you resentful because he didn't take an interest in the child when they were younger? I hate to say it, but I don't think that's a good enough reason.
Are you bothered about your kid spending time with your ex and his partner? If so, you should explore that.
Is your ex using your child as a way to control you? If so, his behaviour is unacceptable and yes, you should put your foot down.
I'm not sure how his mother dying has anything to do with it unless it's an attempt to make you guilty.

Sorry, I can't give you a straight answer.

[LollyPopLouie]

He has never been abusive to our child. He did return him from holiday sunburnt though. I have no issues with my ex and dp spending time with him. As in I'm not jealous as I ended the relationship due to abuse. Our child informs me he eats crap and watches tv whilst he there. He does try to control me via our child at times. Ie he will deliberately refuse to do weekends even if I ask him far in advance. He told me before I left I'd never get any peace.

[DisforDarkChocolate]

Good people deserve a bit of consideration in these circumstances, it's a pity your ex is one of them.

It's not your child's job to provide any sort of support for this Dad, it should be the other way around with him wanting to help him navigate loss.

[LollyPopLouie]

So I'm not a big cow ?

[username268]

I don't think you sound like a cow at all.

So, he refuses weekends and then asks to see your child during your time? I'd be strict and say he can pick up your child at x time on x day. If he misses that, then he has to wait for the next week. If he kicks up a fuss, tell him to go through a solicitor. You will be able to show the courts that you have given your ex plenty of opportunities to see and form a relationship with your kid. This hasn't happened because he has been unreliable. By saying no you are simply trying to provide routine and stability. It is not fair for your child to be caught in the middle. At this point, I would be trying to control the situation; don't let your ex dictate to you!

Also, @DisforDarkChocolate is right that your child shouldn't have to be emotional support for his dad.

[LollyPopLouie]

Sometimes I can't wait for him to grow up so I don't have all this messing.