Im finding this lone parent thing very hard...excruciating actually.

[LBA]

You know, there was a time many years ago when I was proud of what im doing. Quietly proud. But as the years go by it just seems to get harder.

Maybe I was blind to the stereotype before, I knew it existed maybe but surely not me? Noone could ever think that of me?

I never thought I would be a single parent for this long. It was a temporary blip and shortly service would be resumed as far as I was concerned.

Nine years later everyone I know has moved on, moved in or at least had a try.

But I remain the same. Ive had some relationships, none of which ive been sure enough about to fully commit to (mainly for the kids' benefit). I read derogatory comments about council tenants, benefit claimants, "pramface" (I mean what the hell is that term?). Getting lone parents back to work (patronise), unreasonable mothers denying access, unreasonable ex wives/partners screwing money from the father. Unfair tax credits, Every day of my life I hear at least one critism of Lone parents, come up against another brick wall or some form of prejudice.

Lone parents on tv in some "experiment"? what next?

Im not simply a lone parent, I am not defined by it. I am a person, who happens to have children and a couple of relationships that didn't work out. I have feelings, hopes and dreams just like everyone else (Or I did).

As a lone parent, not only are you under pressure to do your best for your kids, all by yourself. Its the constant scrutiny and the feeling that everything you do it has to be that little bit better just to prove a point..and yet nothing is enough.

It all feels such a waste of time and energy, no matter what I do, or how well I bring up my kids it will never change anyone's perception of me.

Its laughable that if I met a guy and no matter how unsuitable he was or how unhappy we were, just by being with him I could be in a different league because we would then be a "proper" family. People would treat me differently. Never mind being true to yourself..just get shacked up with a guy and hey presto! its all fine. So many people carry on in loveless relationships, living a lie which to me is worse for the kids than living in a stable home if it is only with one parent.

Im really tired of the struggle to be treated like a valid member of society. I wish that this didn't bother me. I cant change it, and so need to deal with it but my confidence is at an all time low.

What we think of the world is what we see in the world. Perhaps these perseptions of how society views you say more about how you feel and your own insecurities than any rel prejudice?

I'm a single mum and certainly don't feel defined by it. I don't even think of myself as a 'single mum' most of the time. I am a mum, it is one of the things that defines me, among many others, and other people's perceptions of me are not based solely on the fact that I am a mum.

I don't think people would treat you differently or accept you more just by the mere virtue of being shacked up with someone and being a 'proper family'.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can change it, because simply by changing your attitude and how you view yourself your perceptions of how society will view you will change. First of all stop thinking of yourself as a lone mum or single mum. You're not, you're just a mum, as well as an independant woman and lots of other things besides.

Im 30 and live in an urban area although im really not sure what difference that makes?

Oh I did OMDB. I was proud of what I was doing, as the years have gone by I feel less convinced. You're probably both right, im in a bad place right now and cant see the wood for the trees maybe.

Just ride out the bad patch then LBA, and know that it can't last for ever, and soon you'll be feeling up again!

Don't focus on all these negative stereotypes about single mums though, just shut them out. You don't need to be validated by others to feel good about yourself, but you do need to be validated by yourself.

Hope you feel better soon.

'shacking up' with any bloke wouldn't provide your children with the happy household they have.

I think you should be immensely proud of yourself, your children will be learning to respect their selves and value there family happiness. not to mention not to settle for any tom dick or harry.

hope you're feeling better soon thou.

I know what you mean. I have been a single parent (I hate that term!) for 8 years now. I can't even imagine settling down again, so I will be a single parent for longer.

I used to have loads of energy and pride too. i think that after years and years of being strong and taking care of everything-you just get tired and worn out. Fed up with it all.

I feel like Im a mobile phone-and I can't recharge the battery any more as its well and truly worn out!

I haven't bought papers in years-Im fed up with reading all the bad stuff about lone parents. I do get a few people who look down their noses at me-as we don't have a lot of material stuff. That is so annoying,

I've been a lone parent for 12 years and like you, I never thought it would go on for this long. I thought that there would be a compatable partner out there...but there hasn't been. I go through patches when I feel like you do now.

All I can offer is that I imagine a strong, happy, confident older single woman from the media, i.e. Helen Mirren type, and I think how I would rather spend time being like that than some of the middle-aged married women that I meet. There are a lot of marriages that make me glad to be single.

LBA, you are clearly intelligent and not like the stereotype of a 'pramface' mum, so obviously you would resent being regarded as one. (Don't mean to be rude to anybody. Stereotypes serve some purpose in society, but fit very few real people, I believe). I can understand you becoming disillusioned, but the alternative is to give up. It's a lose / lose situation.
Sorry, no magic words. Just empathising really.

LBA how are you?

Im ok thanks, amazinwoman. Spending far too much time on these lone parent threads and trying not to get wound up .

I dont know why I always feel the need to speak up, gets me into trouble! I should keep it zipped

How are you?