Can’t stop regretting my decisions

[Singlemumproblems]

I have a 10 year old daughter who is asd.
her dad is not a good dad, doesnt do a lot with her in the very minimal time they have together. She doesn’t want to see him, and is a bit scared of him. She has also questioned why I chose him as her dad. I was with him in total for 1 year before we split up.

I was with her dad for a few months before falling pregnant. Before this I was married to a lovely guy who is a great dad now, but sadly didn’t work out between us. I was on a rebound/thinking I needed to have children quickly once we got divorced.
so I became pregnant quickly with my daughters dad.

every day I regret my decision to have A child with the man. I really hate that he hasn’t stepped up to be a good dad and never will as he’s not accountable to anyone and a bit of a loner.

im scared I’m never going to have a proper relationship again as I can’t trust my own decisions and also worry all the time when my daughter is at her dads about her.

does anyone have any advice?! Feel similar??

Tell your daughter that if you hadn’t chosen him for a father, you wouldn’t have got her and she is just perfect.

tell yourself you’re making a good job of a hard situation and deserve to cut yourself a bit of slack. It isn’t your fault he turned put to be a useless fucker. That’s on him. You are doing 1.5x parenting to make up for his deficiencies. Go you.

stop telling yourself anything about the future - enjoy the now, give yourself and your daughter the credit you deserve for making life good without help, and if you do meet someone worthwhile eventually you’ll be in a position to really know if you want to pursue it.

She doesn't want to see him and is scared of him?

Is there a reason you make her see him?

@Hermittrismegistus This is the hard part. There is a court order which he doesn’t really follow but I have been told if I don’t facilitate/encourage contact I can be taken to court. It’s really a no win situation for the mother as far as I can see.

@RubaiyatOfAnyone thank you xx

As you were together for such a short time before conceiving, this begs the question - was the father fully onboard with having a child, or was this your decision and he wasn't really aware of your plan to get pregnant? If the latter, I'm not surprised to hear he's not really committed to being a parent.

I'd say it's almost never a good idea to have a child with someone you've known for only few months - afterall you don't really know at that stage what the other person really is like, or whether they are parent material. And before having a child with someone, you should 100% check with them they also want to have that child (on the off chance this is what happened - sorry if not!). None of this means you can't find another partner down the line, just "test drive" properly before committing for life!!!

Thank you. He was fully on board to have a child.
but yes I really regret having a child with him. That being said I love my daughter completely. I just feel annoyed that he has never stepped up.

Sorry it happened to you. Try not to waste too much of your time being annoyed about it - what has happened has happened, and he's not likely to change. This doesn't mean that every man is made out of the same mold. Focus on yourself and your daughter - and when the next man comes along, take it a bit slower!