Maintenance - AIBU?

[Zanatdy]

I’m so angry. I never claimed maintenance from my ex in the 13yrs in which we were split. Initially because we did 50-50. It didn’t last, and within a year he had gone to work overseas. We were a good co-parenting team and he supported me with a health condition. Money has always been an issue between us so I never asked him for maintenance. He spent 7yrs in total of the last 13yrs working overseas, at one point earning double his 70k ish salary, and the other time earning a lot more than his regular salary. I walked away from our family home with nothing. Signing it all over to him (I needed to get away). Probably stupid, but hey ho.

He’s always saved money for the kids future and he’s paying for son’s Uni, so I kind of let him off due to that. But then he remarried and our DD stopped staying at his house as he essentially moved 2 strangers into his home (met her and her 15yr old son overseas (dd is 15 too). So she stopped going altogether and I became solely responsible for her. 2 months ago I asked him for maintenance and he started giving £300 a month. Today I asked him to pay me what maintenance calculator says (12% gross - around £650) minus petrol costs as he takes her to school a lot (only time he sees her now). He went mad, said if I make him pay he’s going to force DD to stay half the week to stop him paying more than £300 and will tell DS he will have to get a student loan. I told him to go ahead then, and we got into a bit of a spat over message. He was so rude to me, though did apologise final message.

Am I unreasonable expecting him to pay maintenance even though he’s saving for their future? He owns a 5 bed house and I’m renting a 2 bed flat with my DD, and DS during the uni holidays so then I am on a sofa bed, in a block of flats. I know he saved the money for DD’s Uni too when earning double his salary so this isn’t about him not affording it either. He just doesn’t want to pay it to me. Even though it could mean I rent a bigger place for his kids. I worked out he should have paid over 150k in maintenance which he hasn’t. There’s less than 2yrs left now until DD is 18. When she goes to Uni I’m heading back north where I will buy a house but for now I’m stuck in an expensive area and even though I earn a good salary I can’t afford anything bigger as my rent is 40% of my salary, I need a new car, it’s not like I don’t need some help financially. He loves his kids but wants to be the good guy, giving expensive phones and laptops and paying their Uni costs. Not contributing towards rent / food etc.

Yanbu.

He can't force her to stay. She's 15 and can make her own choice.

You could put in a cms claim. It would make sense.

Is he able to go work abroad again in which case he might be able to avoid paying anything? Is he self employed?

YABU for not insisting on maintenance much sooner than this. Your kids have missed out.

Definitely put in a cms claim. Don't let your dd stay again with him (even the once) as he will use it as evidence to the cms. In your claim, advise them explicitly of his threat and say you dd has not stayed overnight in x years and refuses to do so.

I would say you can insist however I suspect he will work abroad .

maybe ask for a compromise mid way .

I would have opened a cms claim years ago but you haven’t . You are at most going to get 3 years maintenance from him . I wouldn’t move based on that anyway .

He would still be bound by CMS even if he went overseas as he would still be receiving a salary in the U.K. (without outing too much). I don’t think it will get that far. I think he will pay, begrudgingly. Just angers me when I’ve not pushed it for all this time and then I’m accused of being a gold digger

Thanks. She won’t go anyway overnight, she only ever goes for a roast dinner, there and back within 2hrs. Once her brother goes back to Uni I doubt she will ever do that. She’s very introverted and clearly feels uncomfortable. She had to stay for 4 nights in October as I needed to go away and she stopped eating. So I’ve not sent her since, my friend came to stay when I needed to go away for 3 nights in early December

Yes I do regret not claiming before. I put our friendship and good co-parenting relationship above that. So in some ways don’t regret it, but in others do. Even if he goes overseas he will still be bound by CMS as he’s paid by a U.K. company, and CMS could still do a deduction of earning. I don’t think it will get that far, once he knows I’m not backing down I suspect he will pay. If he dares try and tell my daughter she has to stay there then he will be throwing away his relationship with her, she won’t go anyway, he knows that. It’s just a threat. I feel so angry in that I’m made out to be some gold digger when I walked away from our relationship with nothing. I think he genuinely thinks because she’s paying for their Uni and fancy phones and laptops that it excuses him paying for their living costs and that’s all up to me. But it’s not, and I’m not backing down this time. Tomorrow a direct debit will go into my account for the £300 he arranged, be interested to if he changes it. If he doesn’t I’m not sure what my next move is. I won’t go straight to the CSA as I genuinely think I won’t need to. But if I have to, I will

Well it’s good you can get cms . Good luck