Upset DD due to no contact from dad

[skeletonbones]

her Dad cancelled contact for this weekend, which upset her, he hasn't rang either, maybe because he feels guilty, he doesn't deal with her getting upset very well. she has been crying at bedtime and saying how much she misses him and asking why he keeps promising to come but not doing. All i have thought of to say is that i love her very much, and so does her dad but hes not very organised so thats why he keeps cancelling contacts, what else can i do or say? we have been split for 4 years but he has reduced and redued the contact over the last year and keeps breaking his promises.

poor thing. Just keep telling her that you love her and that you are there for her. It's a cruel and hard thing for her to learn and you are not going to give her the answers she wants, no matter what you say. She needs to ask her dad herself to get some closure. what an arsehole!

If he keeps doing this, I would stop contact until he can stick to his word. IME it's easier for you and your dd to deal with his absence if you have anticipated it, that way you can plan other activities. If you are let down at the last minute it is doubly hard - you are angry, she is disappointed and you have no plans for the weekend.

Sounds harsh, but this kind of behaviour is horrible for kids. how old is your dd?

I wouldn't tell her he was coming, that way it will be a surprise if he turns up and she won't be upset if he doesn't.

you have a point avenanap, but it's really hard to live your life like this and I guess it must be a bit weird for kids too. I have to deal with this kind of stuff on an almost daily basis and I still haven't cracked it. But the 'surprise' visits really freak my daughter out sometimes, especially if her dad has been missing for a while.

They tend to understand a bit more when they are older so you can explain it to them better. It's very bad for a child to go from day to day not knowing what's going on, it does not make them feel secure and it is always the remaining parent that has to pick up the pieces when they fail to turn up. You have to work out which is the lesser of two evils. It's the children that suffer.

cheers ladies :-)she is 7. I gave him a ring just now and told him DD was upset that he hadn't rang aparently he 'forgot' he says he will ring her tomorow and will definately come this sunday, so we'll see. I was proud of myself that i kept calm and pleasant with him, he said she should have rang him, and i told him that she is the child and shouldnt have to be chasing after him. It is so difficult to manage isn't it, i don't want to stop them seeing him ever, but its so hard to see them let down all the time.

Not a lot you can do about it. This is one of the main reasons resident parents deny access, but you won't find F4J shouting about that. You could write to him formally to point out (as if it should effing need to be pointed out) that letting his dd down regularly and maintaining an erratic and unreliable pattern of contact, is as detrimental to her emotional well-being as no contact as all, but if he decides to be irresponsible and emotionally damage his child, I'm afraid the current law gives him the right to do that. All you can do is be the constant reliable presence in her life and try and work on ensuring her self-esteem is not horribly damaged by her father's selfishness and immaturity. You could phone One Parent Families helpline to get some tips about minimizing the emotional damage.

Will try the one parent families help line tommrow- thanks littlebella

skeletonbones, has your dd ever told her dad how his behaviour makes her feel? I think he really needs to understand how hurt she is. I have tried gently broaching this kind of thing with my dd/her dad but I think she is still too young.