Am I a single mum?

[cheeseandbranston]

I have been divorced 5 years. We both earned about the same, so when we divorced all assets were split 50/50.

Ex and I both work. We have the children week on, week off.

I miss them horribly and wanted to have them as main residence at mine, but so did he, and there wasn't really a strong argument against him.

They visit mine a fair bit and I take them to clubs etc when it's not my week, but so does he. Depends who has capacity.

Neither of us pay anything to the other.

We are both responsible for all costs of our own homes. And any holidays we take them on. School holidays are about 50/50.

We have a joint account, we both put an equal amount in to pay for all school dinners, clubs, clothes, presents, parties, pocket money, etc

I think I am a single mum because I am not in a relationship and financially entirely responsible for my own house. My friend says I am not because my ex does a fair amount.

you’re a single mum. You’re co parenting with your ex, you’re not in a relationship with them. No idea how you wouldn’t be considered a single parent.

Of course you are.
Your children having a father who, from what you have written, shares their parenting equally with you - fantastic for everyone.
But you are still a single parent.

You and single and a mum. Therefore you are a single mum. Your ex is also a single dad.

I'm in a similar set up to you. Ex and I split everything with the kids 50/50 (although custody is closer to 60/40 time with me). I am a single mum.

You've been divorced for 5 years and are not living with a partner.

Of course you're a single mum.

I thought so! She was weirdly insistent about it, like I was claiming some status that I had no right to.

I think perhaps because her ex does the more traditional thing of giving her x amount a month, she sees that as more on her own somehow...

The truth is, what my ex and I do is fair, but I totally have zero support for my household.

I am jealous of the 60/40 split. I really would feel better to have them a bit more, and would happy not to adjust finances, but in reality, what we do works.

I think maybe my friend thinks you're only a single mum if your ex doesn't have the children much and gives you maintenance.

Anyway, I'm glad you agree, I can't see how I'm not!

Of course you're a single parent. You just both happen to be doing it very well. Lots of times the bloke isn't interested in doing 50/50 or won't pay for the extra stuff even if he is and is too controlling to do a shared bank account. You sound like you're both truly putting the kids first. If her ex is a dick, she's probably jealous you have so much "support" in the sense of him equally co-parenting his children.

If she bring it up again just say look we're both Mums, we're both single. It's just a label.

Yes you are a single parent. You parent alone, you just happen to have a good relationship with your ex for the kids sake.
No idea what your friend think- that you are only a single parent if you are miserable?!

You’re a single mum (not sure how anyone could argue with that). But you’re not a lone parent (again, not sure how anyone could see otherwise. You’re not the only parent the children have/not parenting alone).

For example, my friend is a single mum AND a lone parent - she’s not in a relationship with anyone (hence single mum) dad hasn’t been on the scene since pregnancy, she does everything financially (hence lone parent). You don’t - you share a join account, have the kids 50% of the time.

Your set up sounds very functional and healthy!

I’m a single mum. And so are you.
It’s not a race to the bottom your friend thinks.

id say yours was the gold standard set up! Proper co parenting. My ex does do a decent amount with the dc but owes maintenance.

Haha yes! I think that's maybe the point. That it's not miserable so I don't get the title!

Seriously though, if that's where it's coming from, I see why it would be frustrating for her. Her ex s an idiot who thinks he's dad of the century because he pays a minimal amount and 'babysits' his own child.

My ex was a difficult husband. But he is actually a very reasonable ex husband. He doesn't give me anything, but he pays exactly half of all child related costs.

@BingoMarieHeeler yes - I can see lone parent is a while other thing. And very, very hard.

You're definitely a single parent. I have no contact with, or financial input from my ex, and I would describe myself as a solo parent. I was previously a single parent when he was around and saw the kids. If that helps your definition.

Yes you are a single parent (and this is a very silly, childish thing for her to pick a fight over).

Sounds like you and your ex have a brilliant arrangement. So refreshing to hear.

This is what Ex and I are like. He was not a good husband. We weren't compatible. But he has always stepped up with the children. Our 60/40 split is largely because of my ex's working pattern. I'd prefer the kids home more, but I do enjoy that time to myself as well TBH.

I would hate to have an ex who did absolutely fuck all and I am under no illusion that there are plenty of single mums who have it harder than me.

@Nasahoodie yes- it's good. I have days where work is really hard and I miss the children and I think 'I should have married a banker and been a stay at home ex wife' but in reality, what we do is fair, and I love my job. We have a decent set up and never argue about who pays for what. It's obvious what the money goes on because we can both see the joint account.

I am aware most single mums do most of the parenting and their exes don't cover anything like half the costs. I know I am lucky to have a set up that is fair.

Yes I would say single parent but this is one of the reasons I don’t use the term single parent and prefer lone parent as I parent alone (ex not involved at all) including no maintenance, may as well he dead!

You are a single parent. Your setup is unusual though so that's probably what your friend is getting at. I'm quite Jel!!