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Original poster

Struggling with being the boring one

7 replies

Stuckinarut79 · 21/12/2023 23:04

Absolutely no point to this post as I know I’m being massively unreasonable (definitely not brave enough for the AIBU!) I’m so tempted to just pack up and head to my parents for Christmas and leave the kids with my ex.

How do you cope when your ex is the fun one the one who has the disposable income, the pc, the mum who does all the shopping/cooking/cleaning. Who doesn’t discipline or set boundaries.

they always want to be there not here, complain they never see him, he has them one night a week and one night every weekend - he won’t have them more as he can’t with work.

this week they’ve been at his as he’s taken the week off, I had them this evening and all they wanted was to go back to his.

they want to be here Christmas Eve as this is where Santa comes (he buys gifts from him, but not Santa presents, “why don’t you get us presents like dad does?” ) but then over to his after for lunch. I’ve done the rest of Christmas alone the last few years, but this year I want to be selfish and be with my family , they live 6 hours away. I’m acutely aware my parents haven’t many Christmas’s left and I want to spend time with them. I know I could go Boxing Day but it’s not the same and I’m tired of being alone and only part of Christmas for a couple of hours while the kids open presents but even that’s about dad as he’s here to watch them opening presents and again it’s him they want to show stuff to and play with.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 21/12/2023 23:11

Op kids always want the one that isn’t there. The second I went back to work and wasn’t there all the time they were all over me. I suspect it’s the same here and you’ve nobody telling you they want/need you/ you’re doing great etc. that doesn’t mean you’re not- you’re doing amazing x So are you saying not be with the kids for the few hours? Just go and let him have them instead? Yanbu to want the Christmas you want but don’t let being worn down blind you away from the kids, make sure you’re ok with not being with them x

rockingbird · 22/12/2023 07:26

Unfortunately we are the ones who hold it altogether but will never be the fun one! I totally get it.. and it's bloody frustrating but there's nothing we can do. I keep telling myself when they are older they will realise who held it together, who made sure they had clean clothes and a roof over their heads. The one who's less available will always be the one they crave more. 😌

blackberrychutney · 22/12/2023 08:19

Sorry you're feeling this way OP, although we're not separated I feel like this in our Marriage. I am the boring one with all the rules and boundaries, badgering them to brush their teeth and put their shoes away! DH is the fun one and breaks all the rules / is very extravagant with gifts and treats. BUT what I will say, if they've had a bad day, or are poorly, or need someone to talk to - it is always Me. I'm sure your DC adore you but they're automatically drawn to fun and wont intentionally mean to hurt you Flowers

Original poster
Stuckinarut79 · 22/12/2023 08:33

Thank you for the kindness.

I also tell myself regularly they’ll get it when they are older, and yes I’m the one they talk to about stuff.

Last year I decided I was going to my family, but then couldn’t do it, so they came back Christmas Eve evening and left 11am on Christmas morning, same as the previous few years, and I was just so sad on my own.

I know I’ve gotten in out of proportion that all my resentment bubbles to the surface and I’m so torn, I want to be with my family but mum guilt won’t let me and then I’m just angry at them and take them wanting to be with their dad so personally. Probably pushing them away more.

OP posts:
Whatkindofworld · 22/12/2023 08:45

I would go to your parents and leave a note for Santa to tell him where the children will be.

Wish44 · 22/12/2023 09:03

It’s tough OP. My children always tell me holidays/Christmas are best with their dad…. But at the same time whenever they come home there is a list of things\ailments they need to talk about to me as they can’t to him.

it’s the long game…. They will realise when they are older that they can be who they are with us, that the chilled out fun times, board games etc ( not sure how old yours are) are what life is actually about.

morechaimama · 22/12/2023 09:15

Same here OP, but you know what, boring reliable parenting is GOOD parenting; the kids take you and what you do for granted because they don't have to question your love and care for them, it's just there. And what you are giving them is a lifetime of feeling secure and having good self-esteem, and that's worth more than any presents that a Disney Dad can buy.

As they get older you need to balance all that giving and self-sacrifice with doing things for you...you need to do it for yourself and so that they can see you are allowed to enjoy your own life too, not just exist to reflect them and their needs.

Your Christmas routine means you're the one who's missing out, so tell Santa they'll be at their dad's this year and get yourself to your mum and dad's. And maybe next year you have them the bulk of the time and your ex does other stuff...New Year maybe. Just because things have been set up a certain way - that maybe worked at the time - doesn't mean they have to stay like that forever.

Look after yourself and I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your mum and dad - and maybe think about taking the kids with you next year 🎁

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