Does this sound like he isn’t stepping up?

[Mommabearof8]

Hi

ive been living apart from my husband for about 9 months and I’ve finally made the decision that I don’t want to make it work (that’s another story) up until the last week we have been both seeing the kids on almost a 50:50 split so we could both have time to ourselves etc. Long story short, I’ve had to stop overnight stays previously as his house isn’t in the best condition- he’s cleaned it etc and the kids went back BUT of late he’s literally just (IMO) hit rock bottom and the girls (6&4) are saying the don’t want to go etc. The air in his house is bad, it’s dirty etc so of course I listen to my kids and they are no not going back. I have told him I’m happy for out of the house contact until he makes his home suitable. I’ve sought advice also and the school raised it to SS as a concern. So I’m doing what is required of me! Anyway, he’s not seen the kids for ten days, no texts, calls - absolutely nothing. I’ve tried many times to contact him. He’s reading and not answering. Throughout our separation he’s made it clear he wanted us to remain a family and wouldn’t be interested in anyone else etc. I’m filing for divorce as I just can’t do this anymore. He is lazy, no job etc. I’m studying work p/t etc. loads more to it than that. I’m starting to think he’s just going to turn his back and walk away because he’s not getting me too. Any advice?

Anyone?

Yes it does sound as though he isn't stepping up.

Focus on getting through without him. You don't need him. Your kids don't need him.

It sounds like he's struggling to me. I don't think you're wrong to leave him but I'd definitely keep giving him chances/try and help him access support. He could be depressed.

When I say chances I mean with the kids, don't cut him out of their lives!

It sounds like he can't be arsed to clean his house or care for his dcs.

There may be reasons for that, depression, drugs, or just selfish & bone idle, but from your point of view it makes no difference. He cannot or will not care for his children in an appropriate manner, so you will have to make alternative arrangements.

If the dcs don't want to go back, that makes it easier. Stop contacting him. He knows your email address & phone number, the ball is in his court. I'd get on with life, without him.

Morning. Thank you for the replies. I do agree to an extent that since we split up there is an absolute element of depression. I’ve literally been begging and pleading with him to try and help himself for the sake of the children and himself as I am ok either way. The problem is I’m at the end of my tether with it. There is only so much I can do, I’ve tried to maintain contact allow him the children etc…I wish there was a way for me to show the mess of his house! He doesn’t work, hasn’t now for many years (he looked after the children) but he done no other tasks. It really is a long story and I would be here all day. A quick for example. I don’t want him having the kids in the house but have absolutely said see them elsewhere..he’s just gone zero contact. Not even a message to ask how our 6yr old is - she has kidney disease. I then find out he’s been out on Saturday all day drinking with his friends in Glasgow and then moved onto our local and THEN a nightclub??? This is from the man claiming UC and doing nothing else. It just seems to me that now I’ve made my decision and myself clear his attitude is well I’ve lost my wife so he’s no bothered about the children.

How do the kids feel about this? Are they missing the contact?

My advice is to continue to be open to contact, for now, but accept that at some point this level of uselessness will hugely intact the children.

He is punishing you for not allowing the children to spend time at his house. He doesn't care that it's not a good environment for him - he only cares that they are HIS children possessions and you are not letting him do what he likes with them. The fact that it is the children who suffer is irrelevant to him.

I would send hm a final message saying you expect him to arrange contact by x or y (or confirm Christmas plans or whatever) and if not you will assume he does not want to engage with them. Speak to ss and/or a solicitor and get advice too.

Oh, and please don't be sucked into his "I'm so depressed" bollocks. He may or may not be depressed, I don't know, but it's not for.you to attempt to fix.

being completely honest they haven’t asked for him. My 6 year old briefly said a few nights ago about seeing him for 5 minutes but she didn’t want to her in his house. Otherwise, they just both seem very happy and happy here with me and their 2 older brother's.

I have already made contact with my lawyer who has said to sit on my hands until new year. The reason for this is I had a meeting with my health visitor just about 10 days ago who is aware of some of the issues I’ve had in my marriage and she offered to speak with social services on my behalf about my concerns-they basically said I’m doing the right thing, speak to lawyer etc. what has been agreed is HV and SS will conduct a joint visit to him early January to discuss the situation. HV said she’s expecting to have the door closed in her face (she’s had a bit of a problem in past with EXDH)

I have spent most of yesterday and the day before trying to call him, sent almost 35 texts and he’s completely ignored every single one. I’ve now text and gave him until
27th to respond regarding contact but told him after that I will not bother and he will then need to seek his own legal advice. Do you think I’ve done the right thing?

The depression thing - well I have my own thoughts on this. Personally I’m not convinced. I think he is looking for any reason NOT to work. Our 6yr old has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Well, now he’s saying he thinks he has it etc and is going to GP for medical notes to provide to UC so (in his words) stop pressuring him to look for work!

Not sure if I mentioned. He knows what MH is like as I have suffered many years with cPTSD, depression and anxiety and am highly medicated for this and also have a MH team. I’m not saying he isn’t depressed but it’s insulting if he’s pretending (which I think he is)

Also, he’s done absolutely zero about Xmas for the children! Not even as much as an advent calendar - he’s never liked Xmas. I’ve obviously told him when a parent you need to make an effort but nope. The girls both recently had their birthdays n he forgot then when I reminded him he never bothered and it was me who bought them a gift from daddy. Seriously now I’m reading and writing this I’m feeling like a bloody fool

He might have ADHD, he might not. He certainly sounds depressed.
Either way doesn't change the fundamentals - he's not doing what he needs to do, you're not getting back together. You don't need to badmouth him to the kids, hopefully he will get his act together (would you ideally like to do 50/50?). And you have solicitor advice regarding divorce proceedings.

You can't force him. All you can do is keep on keeping on.

Oh I would never bad mouth him in front of my girls. It’s still their father, regardless but I have told him that HE is damaging his relationship with all of this. It just seems like he doesn’t give a shit. I don’t think 50/50 will work going forward as the girls don’t want to be there. But in an ideal world I would like him to see them, in his home a night or so. However, I just can’t see him or his home changing anytime soon