Co parenting vibe changed

[mintmagnum3]

I have 3 children with ex, all under ten.
They live mainly with me but do see their dad. We split 5 years ago.
I don't have a high opinion of him at all due to the mental abuse he put me through, hoewever, aside for the odd rumble here and there we've managed to stay steadily amicable for a while. We don't have contact outside of our children, but have always been relatively flexible do each other.
He started seeing someone a couple years back and she met the children this summer. Since the things have changed and I'm not sure what's going on.
I've never met her, seen her in the car once or twice. Ex not spoke about her to me, just have me her first name (I do know more details but he's never given them to me). When I asked more about her he told me it's not my business.
He's all of a sudden become extremely distant, takes hours and hours to respond to any text I may send him asking after them when they are with him, he's decided to not spend any time with them on their birthdays if I'm there and he's just become very hostile towards me.
Is this just what it's like now?
From outside experience what should I expect to happen next? I'm worried that he's plotting soemthing or is he just starting to take steps backwards?
We aren't chatty co parents, I never hear from him, he rarely asks after them... but he has always been amicable when I've reached out to him. That seems to have abruptly stopped now. It just makes me worry.

[shalligiveupagain]

My ex did this when he started seeing someone who didn't like him seeing me or communicating with me at all. As he's been seeing her a while that might not be it but if it is it probably just means his interest in the DC will start to get less until they have no real relationship with him at all.

[mintmagnum3]

Yeah it's just fees very different ever since she came on the scene in the sense of the scene with my children.
It's become so difficult to communicate with him and it's really making me feel on edge :(

[Motherofwitches]

You have zero value to him now. Been there got the t-shirt.

It peaks and troughs but you will get to the point where you are the same - even though he is 'being nice'

[mintmagnum3]

@Motherofwitches

You have zero value to him now. Been there got the t-shirt.

It peaks and troughs but you will get to the point where you are the same - even though he is 'being nice'

And honestly I really am absolutely fine being of no value to him. Our ship sailed a LONG time ago. He's been absolutely horrifically vile to me on occasions over the years, I wish I never had to look at his face or hear his voice ever again!!!.
But I guess it's just thrown me off guard... all of a sudden it's like he has exiled me from my children's existence when they are with him. It's such a strange and horrible feeling :(
I can't work out whether he's going to walk away from them or if he'll come back, all guns blazing, with his happy family demanding them even more.... that's what scares me.

[NorthernSpirit]

You split up 5 years ago.

You yourself say you “don't have a high opinion of him”. He probably picks up on that. I hope the kids don’t.

He’s moved on, is seeing someone else and you aren’t number 1 or a priority for him anymore.

You’ve not met the girlfriend and your EX hasn’t spoken to you about her. You don’t have to meet her and he doesn’t have to speak to you about her. He’s moved on - you have separate lives now.

If he takes ‘hours and hours to respond to any text’ - it’s because he doesn’t see you as a priority.

As time goes on - you will become more distant as you move on with your lives.

His priority are / should be the kids, not you - you aren’t together anymore.

[mintmagnum3]

@NorthernSpirit

You split up 5 years ago.

You yourself say you “don't have a high opinion of him”. He probably picks up on that. I hope the kids don’t.

He’s moved on, is seeing someone else and you aren’t number 1 or a priority for him anymore.

You’ve not met the girlfriend and your EX hasn’t spoken to you about her. You don’t have to meet her and he doesn’t have to speak to you about her. He’s moved on - you have separate lives now.

If he takes ‘hours and hours to respond to any text’ - it’s because he doesn’t see you as a priority.

As time goes on - you will become more distant as you move on with your lives.

His priority are / should be the kids, not you - you aren’t together anymore.

I don't have a high opinion of him, why would I after years of abuse or bullying? Or are DA victims suppose to think highly of their abusers 🤷🏼‍♀️
Don't you worry those, my children are none the wiser because I've worked extremely hard to put my feelings aside through therapy and with the support of women's aid.


Also... how do you know anything about his priorities? You literally don't so probably best to not assume.

I'm absolutely fine and happy to not be his priority 🙈 when have I suggested otherwise?!
i was merely asking for experience from others who have been here. I don't know what to expect next.

Also, if I text asking after my children when they are away (which I only do once), it's not unreasonable for me to expect a reply within 24 hours and you won't change my mind on that either. I'm a caring mum.

[WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive]

I think it's a case of now he's moved on he completely indifferent to you (not nice I know).

[Lachimolala]

I had this same experience, only even worse. He went from being kind and amicable to cruel and rude.

I’m not sure what his issue is but I’ve heard on the grapevine new gf is very insecure and jealous.

Just leave them to it. They both sound like hard work lol. Irritating that he won’t promptly respond to issues regarding the children or contact arrangements. I’ve adopted a ‘he’s read the text so it’s happening’ approach. If he doesn’t like it he can respond in secret without the controlling gf knowing.

[StellaGibson2022]

My ex does this too - slightly different circumstances as his relationships dont seem to last but whilst he is single he is fine, in a relationship an utter rude git.

[Meadowfinch]

I've been separated for a decade. I don't answer my ex's texts immediately, usually because I'm busy and he's not part of my life anymore. You're right, he isn't a priority anymore. My ds is old enough to call or message himself if he wants to chat. It sounds like yours are too.

It sounds like your ex 's attention is now taken up with his new woman, rightly. Why not just call your eldest if anything needs saying.

[Lachimolala]

@Meadowfinch

I've been separated for a decade. I don't answer my ex's texts immediately, usually because I'm busy and he's not part of my life anymore. You're right, he isn't a priority anymore. My ds is old enough to call or message himself if he wants to chat. It sounds like yours are too.

It sounds like your ex 's attention is now taken up with his new woman, rightly. Why not just call your eldest if anything needs saying.

She says there’s 3 children all under the age of 10. They probably don’t have phones yet and rightly so. They also aren’t messengers, and it’s damaging to treat children as such.

[mintmagnum3]

Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted.
I think what struck me was that the vibe completely changed almost over night and it was a big shock to see such a big change and no communication as to why.
All is well though. I'm happy with the distance and happy to move forward in that way.
He has chose a more distant role with his children and that is his loss, not any of ours!
I just wasn't expecting it from him... everyone told me for years this would happened but it turns I was giving him too much credit as I didn't believe anyone!