Not coping as a lone parent and my heart break

[lonelyuser00]

I'm new to commenting on the lone parents mumsnet, but hoping I meet some lovely people here who can give me some advice as single parents who have came out the other end.
I've had a shit 12 months.
Was with my partner 20 yrs (school sweethearts) and it took us a long time to have our kids now 5 & 6.
Long story short, he left and I understand his reasons, it's also led me to understand that much I feel like I'm to blame for falling apart and for my family falling apart. I still very very much love him but in a few weeks he found someone 14 yrs younger and she was pregnant, within 6 weeks of us breaking up...
As a dad, he still sees our kids eow and one evening a week for a few hours. They still know their dad is there if they need him and I honestly can't bad mouth him as a father either, nor would I want to.
But I'm struggling with my pain with it all and learning to be a single mum. It took us 8 yrs to have the kids and as soon as I had them we fell apart because I found it hard with 2 babies 12 months apart. I lost myself.
I dont cause any issues as the kids mum or an ex but i see him living thiscosy life with his new younger gf and the kids joined in and its tearing me apart. I don't know what to do with myself eow when they are with them because I get so low and lonely about everything I just isolate myself. I cant face seeing other people. I also still live in the home we shared for 15 yrs and I find I'm so emotionally attached to all the memories here of him and feel like I'm drowning in it.
I've thought about moving but ex says I shouldn't and lists reasons why along with that's "our" home I don't think he understands I'm really struggling emotionally here and feel like I'm just left behind. Living in the same house, the same routine with the kids but when they go to bed my entire world crashes and I just sit here mourning everything I've lost and I'm looking round the house imagining what it once was to how I feel in it now.

I'm not enjoying being a single mum, I can't see me finding anyone else (I'm not ready anyway) but I'm still so caught up on my ex the thought of anyone new repels me. The thoughts of this life now as a single mum makes me sad too, I see loads of single mums rocking it and so independent but I'm just so lost right now. I just see it as my whole world has fell apart and I'm really mourning it and the jealousy of seeing him walk from me to something new and cosy with someone else and a new baby is more than I can take... I cant wrap my head around how you can leave something of 20yrs and fall straight into the arms of another as if I meant nothing. I'm not built like that so I can't understand it.

This will be my first Christmas on my own. My first Christmas doing santa alone and Christmas day etc and I'm absolutely dreading it. I'm trying to be enthusiastic for my children but I'm dying inside with it all.
Being a single mum but being a broken hearted single mum while watching the man you love live a new fantastic life is really hard.
I just want someone to tell me how I can get through this and come out the other side. Am I silly for how I feel about the home or do I bite the bullet and leave. I'll be honest a big part of me is only holding on incase he'd ever look to come back, yes indeed that is how pathetic I am. But I realise I've to stop doing this to myself and get some self respect.... But I admit its half the reason I've stayed and along with a few things he has said about still loving me, but it's only words and he's very much living with his new gf and all that so I know he's probably just keeping me on a back burner, which is hard to know as well considering I did give him 20 yrs of my life and kids, I deserve anything but to be on the back burner.

please go easy on the responses as I'm very fragile, I can't help that I still love the man who has been my whole life

I just want some stories or advice from other mums who maybe have went through the same emotions as me

Hi,
Sorry to hear you are feeling low and it sounds like you have been through a really tough time. I know it doesn't feel like it now but things will get better. You will create a new and different life for you and your kids and you won't feel this low forever. He has betrayed you but you can still be happy if you focus on making small positive changes. When you are ready try to spend time with people who have your best interest in heart. You sound like a fantastic mum and one day your kids will find out what their father has done and appreciate you even more, have faith in yourself, the future is bright for you now that you are not being dragged down by this person. I've been through something similar so pm me if you want x

It's not just you. I'm a single mum and I hate it! All other single mum's seem to love it but I still hate it 7 years on. My ex isn't involved at all though so a different situation

Firstly I am sorry you are struggling.

There is no magic wand and stay away from lone parents on social media, they are never as happy as they look.

Firstly you need to find something to do with yourself in the evenings, learn a new skill, do am online dance class or start redecorating the house. If you decide to stay it will make you happy, if you decide to leave it will make it more saleable. I wouldn't make a decision now just get through each day but ultimately its your choice, he has made his choices.

Write a list of all the things you want to do/see/visit that you can't with the kids, even if it's reading a book in the park and start to do these on a weekend.

Can you afford a couple of counselling sessions? You are allowed set boundaries. He doesn't get to keep you on the back burner. You should not be anyone's second choice.

Be kind to yourself, its incredibly raw right now.

Make new Christmas traditions. Have pizza instead of a roast, make up new games to play, spend all day in jim jams.

I am a lone parent and sometimes it's tough but you will get through this.

Be kind to yourself. I was told you need a month for every year together. You know this will pass but it hurts like nothing else.

Do not discuss your plans with your ex. Your decisions are your own. When he left he stopped being the person you can rely on. If you feel like moving will help you with a fresh start explore that option.

Otherwise Move things around at home pack his stuff up. Get new bedding flowers decorate. Make it feel different. I found d this really helped and made me feel better my ex hated me doing any decorating so had the satisfaction of feeling like I was annoying him.

Try to get a routine for the time the kids are away. I volunteered saw friends or did big jobs at home. I had to force myself to be home for a long time.

Seek out some counselling there are low cost options if you Google. Journal your feelings find a safe place to vent.

You know in time it will get easier. I'm six years down the line and although I have dated on and off me and the kids are just fine as our own team. I have very little to do with my ex my kids are older. The hurt and anger although not as raw still remains but that is on me. My kids have very little to do with him.

You will build. New life for yourself how that look does not need to be decided now. Just go day by day. And seek out real life support for yourself.

OP I'm so sorry

My ex husband left when my twins were 1 - took years to have like you with lots of losses - together nearly 20 years

In terms of the house I was initially adamant I didn't want to stay but I have an older child in local school and I didn't want to disrupt that (we'd have to move much further away) - so I've gradually redecorated the whole house in the last year. Got rid of all the things which made it "our home" and made it "my home". I haven't spent loads - few tins of paint and lucky finds on FB marketplace - I was surprised at how much more settled I felt as each room took on a new personality. It's not a shrine to the family life I thought we would have it's now something I've built
I also make a point of making new memories with the kids - I don't revisit places we'd gone to as a family of 5. I create new traditions.
Do I like being a single mum? No. It's not what I would have chosen for myself or my children but I'm determined to make the best of it.

Have Any of the rest of you remained in the house that you lived in with your kids dad? How did you get throught the lonely painful moments I'm experiencing... I literally put the kids to bed and lock myself in the bedroom. I cant stomach coming back downstairs to the emptiness and quietness. I keep walking into rooms expecting to see him sitting there. I've let the house go big time, this was my wee palace once upon a time, I took such pride in it, it was my wee corner of the world, now it feels like a place that just harbours so much emotion and rawness for me. I feel I'm stuck in the memories of what I had here with my ex I can't see myself moving on within myself living the way I am here... But I'd be giving up security of a council home to back to renting most likely which I'm fearful of and fearful of giving up the home my kids have free up in until now and I know my ex won't be happy if I give the home up but my mental health here is awful. If I leave will I just carry all of this somewhere else with me

I am so sorry for your pain.

Please be kind to yourself as you say some negative things about yourself. You are not pathetic by far! You are getting through each day and sound like you are dignified and a lovely mum

You will get through this in time and I promise you will be happy again. I never believed that when I was at a point of heartbreak.

Journal your feelings and recognise how you are feeling, positive affirmations are powerful for you to be kind to yourself

Moving house is a big deal and only you will know if and when it is right. It may be a positive distraction and 'project' for you. It also maybe stressful. Either way, do it for you. Not your ex

Spending time with yourself is hard but it can become lovely if you embrace it and soend with people you love or do things you can't do with the kids

Exercise is amazing! I found running and it was so liberating as I couldn't do that when DS was home

Declutter and decorate

Sorry lots of practical tips but time is the only healer - sending you lots of love x.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.

I am facing my first Christmas as a single parent, I do love being a single parent though and I am very happy now. At first all I wanted was for my husband to come back and for us to be a family however as time has gone on and I reflect on the way that we were when we were together I know it's for the best that we are apart. I am still living in the house that we bought together and brought up our first child in it was awful at first, memories everywhere however I cleared out everything of his and made a lovely little pile for him to take to his girlfriends and as soon as I did that I felt so much lighter. I also took down all the photographs and replaced them with ones of our babies. i have started to redecorate and will continue. the best thing that i have found is to distract myself. i see friends. i have group chats for the days that i don't see anyone and they have kept me going.

you say he wont be happy if you give up the house but he walked away to a new life so he no longer gets a say. you need to start putting yourself first. if you want to stay then make it yours and not "ours" but if you want to move on then you should. it will get easier i promise. i have had counselling and i found it extremely helpful so could be something to think about. sending love x

@lonelyuser00

Redecorate, rearrange, change the house

Yes it's lonely in the evenings but planning on taking back up hobbies - knitting, reading, sewing etc

Get a cat maybe - mine is a great source of comfort when I'm feeling lonely

In the current climate you really don't want to give up a council home. There aren't many homes to rent privately and the rental market is very unstable, certainly where I live. Most landlords are selling up or planning to sell up in the coming years due to the restrictions and regulations being placed on them. I don't think you can give up the security you have. If I was you I'd clear out everything. Remove all the pictures and decorate and make the home your own. As the other poster said, scour Facebook marketplace and make it a project.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My marriage also fell apart after kids, but DH stays because he can't afford to house himself separately and wants to see the kids every day. This situation is worse I think, living in this limbo until finances improve and the kids grow up. Try to see the positives of having your own home, and make it your own.

Also agree about getting a cat!

Op, there are so many things there, I'll deal with just one. I've been a single mum for 7 years and I enjoy it.

on your weekends alone, plan to do things you can't do with two small children in tow. Have your hair cut. Decorate a room, go shoe shopping, take up a hobby that's just for you. Go for a lovely lunch with friends or your mum. Learn to cook a new meal, make cakes and freeze them for when your dcs get home.

I muck out my teen son's bedroom.🙂

Somewhere along the way, you will get angry at the way you have been treated and that anger will get you through. One day it won't be there any more.

You will cope, I promise xx

Can you redecorate or do a house swap?

Split up with my ex of 11 years in the spring and I think I'll be staying in the house. But it was more 'mine' in the sense of I chose how to decorate and do it up and I did most of it myself. Everyone always says it's very 'me'. I've got dogs as well as a 3YO and they are amazing to be honest. I feel very lonely a lot in the evenings and sometimes days as I mainly wfh, but I'm never truly on my own.

You need to do your best to separate yourself from him. What example would you be setting your children hanging in and maybe trying to get back with him if things don't work out? That's no way to live. Your worth isn't dependent on him. It's good that he's involved with the children, use they as best you can to focus on yourself. Get yourself a hobby or set things up with friends. Look at getting a pet maybe if you think you'd like one. He clearly hasn't thought twice about moving on, and isn't worth wasting your energy on x