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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

self harming

17 replies

PurpleOne · 14/03/2008 16:10

Just had to pick up dd1 from school as someone reported her self harming in the toilets.
Her hands are all red where she has been pinching herself.

ExH hast just been over to tell me off as my mobbu was flat and school couldn't get in touch with me, and he's had to deal with it all. (bless him)

Just wanted to offload realy, thanks for reading

OP posts:

alittlebitshy · 14/03/2008 16:12

oh poor you, poor dd. How old is she? Any idea why she feels like this?

Original poster

PurpleOne · 14/03/2008 16:28

dd is nearly 13.

Suspect that she has depression. Her CAHMS therapist suggested that she has 'oppositional defiant disorder'.

All it's been the past few years is a menagerie of stealing, lies and rages.
Apart from going back to the docs and CAHMS, I don't know what to do for her for the best.

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mamalovesmojitos · 14/03/2008 19:56

oh no po. all you can do is not act shocked or disappointed. listen to her and be patient. bring her for counselling, tell her you love her all the time. i was put on ads at thirteen but now i realise that they only masked my problems and i dont think they are very good for young brains. i think they worsened my depression, in fact those specific ads are now banned for under 18s. she may be angry and silent but just try and spoil her, maybe let her take a few days off school, cook her fave dinners etc and soften her up. explain to her that self harm is how ppl deal with huge pain when they cant express it in any other way. my heart really goes out to you ,situation sounds all too familiar.

Original poster

PurpleOne · 14/03/2008 21:37

I took dd out for a drink tonight (well coke for her lol)
and i talked to her for 2 and a half hours and more stuff spilled out....so....

I may be posting this in the feeling depressed threads.

I am now drunk. All I wanna do is cry for her.

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 14/03/2008 21:45

oh po. are you ok? dont feel bad. you are a lovely mum desperately trying to look after your daughter. you will get through this if ye just keep communicating. did she talk to you?

Original poster

PurpleOne · 14/03/2008 22:04

she did a little bit. she told me its been going on a lot longer than i thought.

the school sent her home for pinching her arms and hands, a mate also told me today that she had been seen tearing her hair out (not strands)

whilst chatting in the pub, she's also told me shes been kicking and punching herself.

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 14/03/2008 22:19

it is so great that she's being honest with you. this is quite common you know. but this behaviour is habit-forming after a while and can escalate as you prob know already. so at least you've realised before things progressed into cutting for instance. does she have a counseller? did she explain what was wrong or how she feels? angry/hopeless/numb/sad?

Original poster

PurpleOne · 14/03/2008 22:56

MLM, thats exactly what i wanna nip in the bud right now.

she has a family therapist at cahms, but she never opens up cos me, her sis and her father (and his wife) is all in the same room.

hell i even find it hard talking with him in there. he uses stuff against me sometimes.

when dd told me she enjoyed it and felt release, yeah i can understand that entirely. she hasnt explained anything else to me at all. she has told me she doesnt care about anything.

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 14/03/2008 23:03

christ. how is she supposed to open up in a crowded room full of people? would the therapist be up for speaking to her alone? whatever is happening in your family at this stage its affecting her on a personal level and she needs some time as an individual to speak her own mind. not surrounde my her family and their problems.

mamalovesmojitos · 14/03/2008 23:06

i really think above all you need to keep showing your love. you might think she knows you love her but at that age she is questioning everything. my mum absolutely lives for me but when i was in a similar state to your dd i forget that she cared. even simple things like putting little notes in her lunchbox telling her you love her. spell it out. no matter how much she pushes you away. sounds like you're under a lot of pressure.

littlemissnobody · 14/03/2008 23:11

I can only respond as a self-harmer so I can't imagine what it is like to have a child who does this but I really would have thought that sending her home because she is SH is helpful.

Did something specific happen today to make her feel the need to do it? Often when people SH, they do it in private unless they really cannot control the urge.

You sound lovely - like just what she needs. I think you talking to her calmly and not judging her is the best thing anyone can do.

Why does she not have her own therapist?

teasle · 14/03/2008 23:31

Purpleone that sounds really awful for your daughter, and must be really difficult for you.

It sounds like she really needs some help, and i hope you get some for her, poor kid.

ornamentalhaggis · 14/03/2008 23:41

Hey purpleone, just wanted to say hi and that I'm thinking of you all. Hope your DD gets some good help for this, from what you've told us she sounds like a fab kid. Sending you positive thoughts.

Original poster

PurpleOne · 15/03/2008 00:30

you know, i live for my kids. my kids keep me alive, cos if it weren't for them, i'd have closed the door on everything.

she found it really hard to talk to me but i am glad she said what she said.
the only thing she knows i hate is her lying and stealing. she hates me drinking too, but i have told her why.

i dont mind taking her out and having a chat, even if it's a lot of 'i don't knows'..she is aware.

i am also aware, in my pissed up haze, that i'll now have to hide the knives, scissors and pills. have to drink cause it numbs the pain.

thanks for all your understanding, it means so much to be on mumsnet.
don't have anyone in rl i can talk to.

OP posts:

ornamentalhaggis · 15/03/2008 00:41

Po, maybe you guys could support each other? It sounds like, from your description, she's using self-harm like you use drink. The whole numbing thing? I totally get it. You've all been through so much haven't you? Please take care and remember to ask for help too.

UnderRated · 15/03/2008 01:41

It does sound as though the two of you are similar and tend deal with your emotional turmoil in self-destructive ways (that isn't meant as a judgement) so perhaps you do understand each other a little more than you realise. It doesn't mean it is easy to see the other one drinking/ physically hurting themselves but at least you know how it can happen.

Please make sure you have support for yourself - things are obviously awful for you and caring for others is exhausting. Please make time for yourself.

jellibabe · 15/03/2008 11:01

Hi Purpleone I wish I could help but I don't know how to. Sending you and your daughter a hug. x

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