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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Changing child's surname?

20 replies

Tinkywinks · 13/03/2008 22:44

Hi, I wonder if anyone has been in the same situation or if anyone knows anything that can help. I was with the father of my son for a very short time, we split when he was a few months old. His contact with my son who is almost 3 years old, has been very inconsistent, at times having no contact for a several months. (The arrangement was supposed to be once a week for a couple of hours). He has had no involvement in the upbringing of our son (his choice, but I'm glad anyway). My son has even started calling other male family members 'dad', bless him.

Unfortunately, for some reason, (I'll blame it on the hormones) I let my son have his father's surname on the birth certificate. My surname is his middle name. Now he will be starting nursery and I really don't like that fact that he will be using this surname now, and for all his school years to come. I would love for us to have the same surname, after all, I have raised him and he is with me all the time. But I know this isn't legally possible. Does anyone have any experiences, any loopholes?

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beansmum · 13/03/2008 23:04

I just replied to your other thread! didn't I? very confused now.

Original poster

Tinkywinks · 13/03/2008 23:50

Very sorry beansmum, I added the thread twice by mistake.

OP posts:

madamez · 13/03/2008 23:51

Well, you can use whatever surname you prefer, but you can't change the birth certificate without the father's consent. What do you think the father would say if you asked him about changing the name?

Original poster

Tinkywinks · 13/03/2008 23:58

But the nursery need id for the child on application so I can't really use another surname. Not sure if the fact his middle name is my surname helps at all. The father would just be stubborn about it and say I consented at the time, blah blah he'd come out with a load of old trifle to be honest, as usual. He likes to brag to other people he has a son, but has not even made one phone call in the last 3 months to see how he is. So, he wants his surname because he is the 'proud' father.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 14/03/2008 00:23

There was a similar thread recently here

Original poster

Tinkywinks · 14/03/2008 00:29

Brilliant Surfermum, I am going to contact one of the posters now.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 14/03/2008 07:50

You can not change your child's name or cause them to be known by another name without the consent of all those with PR. As your child is only 2/3 (I assume you are in England?) and if his father's name is on the birth certificate then he will have PR automatically.

So even if you didn't have to provide ID to nursery/school you still wouldn't be able to 'change' his surname 'unofficially' or otherwise.
Gilly

yerblurt · 14/03/2008 21:17

^ what gillybean said

Dad has PR, you need his written consent for change of surname.

It is an offence to register the child or have the child known by any other name - note the last bit, this includes informally or 'unofficially' using a different name for the kid.

Courts generally look very dimly upon anyone trying to change a child's surname without good reason.

You would probably have to apply to court for a Specific Issues Order to have it changed - and convince a judge why it would be in the child's best interests.

chipkid · 14/03/2008 21:20

just to add to yerblurts post-you would not get very far in your argument by saying that you would like him to have the same name as you. This is no longer thought to be a valid reason given the amount of blended families these days where the children do not share their mother's name.

OverMyDeadBody · 14/03/2008 21:23

So anyone know what valid reasons might include that would help sway a judge?

3kids1cat · 14/03/2008 22:32

Hi, I have a similar situation. My ds and dd have my xp's name and it kills me. I had dd2 8 months ago and she has both mine and dp's name. Last year when I took dc's on holiday with dp the passport control in portugal asked who's children they were as they didn't have mine or dp's surname!
When I split up with xp I tried to change their names but he was granted parental responsibility and said he would never allow it.
He treats them like possesions, not children. I hope one day me, dp and all dc's will have the same surname but I doubt that will ever happen.

chipkid · 14/03/2008 22:47

overmydeadbody-with a child of this age I cannot think of one argument that would sway a Judge into changing the chld's surname against the wishes of the father. It is a very difficult hurdle to cross.

ska · 14/03/2008 22:54

we had this problem when dh's ex started using a different name for them and didnt tell him. we found out when we got given antibiotics for one of them - with wrong name on. it was heartbreaking for dh - he has always been involved (we have them 3 days out of 7, always have). involved massive row that lasted years. she stopped and they now use their proper legal name (his). i assume it was because she'd had another name and wanted them to all be the same. i dontthink she realsied how awful it was for him - like she was trying to rub him out somehow. dont think she'd do it now tho'

ska · 14/03/2008 22:55

had another child i mean with another surname

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/03/2008 22:56

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ska · 14/03/2008 22:58

so different from our circs - completely understand how you might want to do that

NotDoingTheHousework · 14/03/2008 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Tinkywinks · 15/03/2008 00:44

Thanks for the interesting posts. I went into the nursery today, receptionist said she looked into it, and although they will need to know his real surname, my surname can be used in the classroom, so that's good enough for me at the moment.

Notdoingthehousework, I think you understand how I feel. It's awful enough having an idiot for my son's father, without him having to bear his name as well. I don't do anything to prevent him from contacting my son even though I think he is a bad example for him, because I don't think it's my right. But my son is my family, why should his surname be that of the parent who cannot even make the effort to make regular contact? It's not the same as some of the examples posted of involved dads. My ex doesn't deserve for my son to have his name.

Notdoingthehousework, haven't looked at the website fully but not sure where I'd stand as I know how to get into contact with him so if I just went ahead, wouldn't I get in trouble?

OP posts:

NotDoingTheHousework · 15/03/2008 01:08

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OverMyDeadBody · 15/03/2008 09:21

chipkid, what about with older kids though? I wasn't really thinking just about this case but any cases, under what circumstances would a judge be sympathetic?

Maybe if the father was awol and the mother had been searching for years and not been able to find or contact him? Would that be enough?

A neglectful abusive father who didn't bother to have anything to do with his children? Would that be a good reason?

What about the child having a name that could possibly cause problems when he's older due to associations people have with that name?

FWIW I changed DS's name by deed poll, but my ex is so crap and wants an easy life so gave his permission - that's how disinterested he is in his son. Hey ho. His loss.

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