What would you have done in this situation?

[LittleBlueUnicorn]

I wondered what people's opinion would be on this situation. This happened many years ago. I found out the man I was with and was pregnant with his child had another child he never told me about he wasn't in contact with the child (the usual line that the mum had stopped him) want to be very clear he told me when I was pregnant, I had no idea before and if I had known he had a child I wouldn’t have went near him I was extremely angry about being lied to.

Anyway I had the baby and he reached out to her about seeing his child but when she found out he was having another baby she was very angry and blocked him and told him he wouldn’t be seeing the child again because he was having another child. She also said a lot of vile things about me and my child, really nasty things. Anyway ex and I broke up and are not together and I've got on with my life and we have no contact now with him at all. Recently was discussing this with people and they told me I should reach out to her and it's understandable that she was angry. They seemed quite annoyed that I didn’t want to reach out. Personally I have no plans to do this so I’m not considering it. I think no matter how angry you are you don't wish vile things on a baby (some of the things she said was wishing harm on my baby and just other awful things). So I'm not planning to reach out and I assume the feeling is mutual as equally she knows we exist and has never reached out either. There was no overlap and he wasn't in a relationship with her. Would you have reached out in my situation if someone had been vile about you and your child? I just wondered how many people would have genuinely reached out in this situation?

Do you know for sure that she said those things? Did you hear her say it or was it repeated to you by your ex?

She might have been vile because she had just found out about you. After time, she may have calmed down. Considering that he seems to have contacted his ex after your child was born, I can see why she was mad about the timing. If he’d taken her to court then he would have been granted contact.

Yanbu to think that contact works both ways and if she wanted contact then she could contact you.

In theory I think that it could be nice for the kids to know each other rather than wonder about their half sibling but I understand that when you’re in that situation, things can be too messy or complicated to do what is theoretically best.

It’s a massive cliché for a deadbeat dad to want more contact because he has a new partner or child. Did you encourage him to contact his ex? I can completely see why she wouldn’t react favorably.

So you would wish harm on a baby? Of course I can see why she wouldn’t be happy but wishing harm on a baby is surely not ok regardless? No it wasn’t my suggestion for him to reach out he said he felt he had a duty to tell her that he was having another child. Yes I do know for sure the messages happened as he showed me them to prove he had tried to make contact.

There was also some racist comments made as her and ex are from a certain culture and I am not.

Why do your friends think you should try to reach out to her, so you can all become friends/close siblings?

I wouldn’t add any more drama, I’d want to just get on with my life.

It's up to you but her and your child are siblings and they may make contact later.

The woman has probably calmed down by now and I daresay did not really mean the things she said when she found out about your pregnancy.

In your place, if I knew where she lived, I would write to her calmly and gently (a letter, not an email), and open the door to getting to know her. Then leave the ball in her court.

Yes that’s what I agree with I am not getting involved in the drama they implied we could have been happy families. Not sure why I should reach out to her as if I’ve done her wrong. She’s never reached out so like I said I guess it’s mutual. No I have no details of her at all so even if I could reach out I wouldn’t be able to (I won’t be anyway) the children can’t have a relationship as I wouldn’t let my child around her but of course they can reach out when they are older if they choose but like I said I have no details personally.

I don't understand your friends. It's not your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between your children, that is their father's domain, or theirs if they choose to when they are old enough to make that decision. Carry on as you are.

To be honest, anyone who wishes ill on a new baby, is an ignorant, spiteful and horrible person who is not going to add anything to your life or to that of your child.

I think the best you can do is tell your child, at the appropriate time, about her df, and also that she has a half-sibling (try to find out their name and keep it somewhere), so your dd can choose to track them down if she wishes.

Thank you. anyone that can say horrible things about a baby including wishing them dead is not the kind of person I want in mine/their life no matter how angry she may have been with him. I'm surprised so many think it was just said in the heat of the moment and wasn't meant, surely there is certain things you don't wish for in my opinion.