Are these justified reasons to stop contact?

[sugarpops]

In regard to exh and ds (aged 5)

• police involvement. No charges made. Emotional abuse and coercive control towards me
• he has not seen ds since the incident where the police were 5 weeks ago.
• he has has only seen ds a handful of times since September. Has no interest in setting up regular contact.
• he has asked to see ds twice since police involvement. Both times I have said he can see ds through a 3rd party (a family member of mine. He can collect and drop off ds with this family member. Ex H said no and refused. Said he doesn't ever want to see this family member of mine again and contact should be done through myself and him. I said no.
• doesn't ever ask how ds is.
• has threatened to take me to court over money I owe him. Called me horrible, nasty, cold hearted.
• is convinced I have a secret boyfriend. I don't but I'm worried of what he will ask ds if he sees him.
• refusing to come and collect his things from my home unless I am present too.

He basically isn't interested in ds. He only wants to see ds to get at me.

Is this enough to stop contact?

What was contact like before the incident 5 weeks ago?
Instead of stopping contact try and set it up in a way that is best for your child. He also carn't dictate if you use a 3rd part or not.

He has not seen ds properly since he left in September.

He's had about 3 hours of unsupervised contact since September to the police incident.

He only saw ds at my house if i was present also and his happened about 4 times. However this was just to see me and not ds.

I'd say you're not stopping contact - he is.

You have offered him contact, facilitated by a third party. He is choosing not to accept that.

There is no need for you to put yourself in the firing line for further abuse, and it sounds like he is using (or trying to use) your child as a means of getting to you.

If you have no concerns over his ability to parent safely, then stick to your guns. You have offered contact and it is his choice whether to step up and accept. Try to limit your contact with him - perhaps use a dedicated email account to discuss matters related to your son only.

Do not get drawn into anything - just have a set phrase you repeat and repeat - something like "If you wish to have contact with your son, X has kindly agreed to act as the drop off and collection point - here is a list of times coming up that they are available. Please confirm if any suit".

Thank you.

We do use an email address which I set up.

I have asked him many times to let me know when he wants to set up regular contact for ds. He just replied with 'we will sort something out'

Nothing gets sorted, he isn't interested.

The last time we emailed about it, he sent me an email saying he will just wait to hear when he can see ds again. I've never said he wasn't allowed.

I replied with 'no, you let me know when you can commit to seeing ds and show that he is a priority. When you can set a regular time and date to see him, we can go from there'

I wasn't going to have him make it sound like I am stopping him from seeing ds. His response was the usual 'we will sort something out'

It sounds as though you've both been through an incredible amount and he's still trying to control you.

How much stuff has he got at your home? Could you get a DF or family member to drop it off at his DMs?

And have you changed the locks?

I would’ve answered - the balls in your court

He’s controlling and at least you have the sense to see it.

I would have stick phrases

I’m happy to facility DS being picked up and dropped to X house

Let me know what time suits.

And leave it there

So on top
of other advice . He isn’t interested he wants a response from you .

Don’t email , ask .

if he asks . I can arrange for Ds to be at …. For collection .

if he refuses you don’t need to reply .

repeat …

My ex wasn’t interested in seeing my Ds , just me . I stopped encouraging contact - it died out .

It's post separation abuse. He only wants a way to control you. Good that you have set up the email. Only use that to communicate, never WhatsApp.
I'd send one last email to him or letter to his solicitor saying that "You have no wish or intention to keep him from seeing his child. So with that in mind and as you intend to be as flexible as possible, within reason, could he inform you of his intended schedule of the dates, times and duration of visits with his child. Please reply via the email you specifically set up for this purpose. As previously stated the visits will be facilitated by your family member, who is willing to take on this task to ensure the handover will be unemotional and trauma free for your child, something you are sure he can agree is in your child's best interest.
This is not up for negotiation and should be feel he cannot agree to these terms, you will consider that he has effectively decided to stop seeing his child. You hope he can appreciate you have been more than accomodating and you only want whats best for your child.

The email will be checked once a week at (a certain time) and that is the only time. You will be advised regarding clubs, parties also at this time."
You could suggest he signs up for school Parentmail/email accounts so he doesn't think you should keep him in the loop.

Thats it, take your life back.

And then stop communicating unless you feel like giving him an update, once a week when you check the email. But stop letting him try to control you. You don't have to reply to him or speak to him. You don't have to open his texts immediately or answer the phone. He's not your boss. Tell him nothing. Stop trying to make him see your point or your views and opinions as he just doesn't care. He just wants your attention. You are in control and that's what he's struggling with. Stay strong.

@sugarpops hope you've been back and read the rather brilliant advice from blue and I hope things are improving for you generally

Hello,

Thank you for the advice - especially from @bluedomino. I've been doing some points that have been mentioned.

He was being absolutely fine with me until he started to play mind games a couple of weeks ago. He was having ds for the first time in 6 weeks however the night before, he went public on social media with his new girlfriend. This got back to me - he knew this would happen but I really didn't care! I think he was expecting some sort of reaction from me especially as he was having ds the next day. I didn't react and I don't care. It's all mind games. He will ALWAYS do something to try upset me.

The next day we had the FaceTime and I didn't speak to him at all. I don't need too. Ds is only 5 so I hold the phone and encourage ds to speak to his dad but that's all. Ex kept asking me what was wrong on the FaceTime and got angry that I wasn't communicating with him and it all escalated from there.

100% this is all down to going public with his new relationship. I think he either was angry that I gave him no reaction or that he knew I wouldn't speak to him so it gave him an excuse to get angry at me....to show the new girlfriend that I am infact crazy!

Things then did escalate surrounding Christmas arrangements. Ex had already told me the 2 days he wanted ds over Xmas which I agreed too except 1 afternoon where we already had plans.

During this FaceTime, he proceeded to tell me that these days no longer work for him as he is now going out with his mates (priorities!) the night before and would be in no fit state to have ds. He told me I did not tell him about any plans we already had and even though I had proof, told me I was making the whole conversation we had up. He then swore at me and got verbally aggressive and ended the call.

He then sent me an email to say he is not going to bother with ds if I am going to make things difficult. Complete and utter gas lighting.

He remains blocked on my phone and I hadn't heard anything for a week when he emailed me to now say he wants to have ds again and he was going to contact social services - he is aware they are involved anyway. He asked for their details.

He then sent me another email on the next day to ask for their details.

I then spoke to social services myself who were great. We are hopefully getting an early help worker. They told me that ex can contact social services but unless it was to report any concerns on ds well being, they wouldn't be interested and I have nothing to worry about. She told me it does sound like he is just using ds to get at me and there's no real interest there.

I have no idea if he has contacted them.

As it stands, he is seeing ds on Saturday for 1 day only.

I am going through divorce with my solicitors. He has emailed to ask for information on this but I told him to contact my solicitor.

It's such a scary thing to go through this with him when I have been scared of him for so long.

You are doing really well. Just remember you do not have to answer and respond to him immediately or indeed at all. Hes trained you to think he deserves you to jump immediately. That ends now. I was shocked when I realised I could ignore him. It's very freeing!
Set up an old phone that you only use for communication (once a week) otherwise you start dreading hearing your phone notifications. Block him on your regular phone. You are allowed to do this (I give you permission!!!). Use this for any video calls too. You don't need to stay in the room, if your 5 year old chooses not to talk so be it. I couldn't bear to hear his voice in my safe space.
Get a diary and keep notes. What he says, how it makes you feel. Everything. Contemporaneous notes are very useful for dealing with the solicitor/courts. Also in time you can look back and see how far you have come.
Expect to be accused of parental alienation next. It's the pattern abusive men follow. This is an interesting read:
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-66531409 Stay strong.

Also contact your local Domestic Abuse services. They are amazing. Or Womens Aid, they give you a case number which the official recognise as important. If he texts 3 times in a row in quick succession, it's harassment. Keep that in mind.
I'm glad you can ignore the pathetic social media. You could ask people not to tell you a you are not interested.

If he doesn’t want to see your family member who can do handovers he can organize and pay for handovers to happen at a contact centre - that doesn’t mean that his contact will be supervised, just that the handover can happen without contact between you and him.
Obviously he won’t do it, but it’s another reasonable option you can suggest on repeat when he’s trying to insist you must be there.

I would say in a legal sense, not a good reason to stop contact as most of the above issues can be resolved by using a contact centre.

As you have solicitors involved for the divorce I would ask them to make a referral for you to your local contact centre, there will be a bit of a wait list but you will not be stopping contact whilst you wait just moving it to a venue to protect you and DS. When you go to the contact centre you hand DS over to a volunteer and they take him to ex you don't have to see him.

Let him take you to court and then get regular days set up, I personally had a good court experience and they agreed with the gradual contact schedule that I set out and commended that it was suitable for DDs age. You can't make him see DS on the set days but you can make ds available for a 10 am pick up and if he hasn't arrived by 10:30 or contacted you then you can go about your day and he has missed contact. The court agreement acts asa middleman and gives you some boundaries to stick to.

@Singleandproud sorry to jump in here but do you mind what the schedule was that you suggested and the age of your child? I’m going through something similar to OP with my ex and he’s bullied me into one night a week with my 17 month old DD on the condition he takes her to his mums house. Now he wants to take her to his flat in london which is miles away, I’m nervous about this and not sure how the courts would view a good schedule for a child of this age! There is DV in our history through from pregnancy to this year.

@sugarpops i just stumbled across your thread. I am sending love and hope you are ok. You are not alone in this horror! X

@Newmama2222
We didnt live together and he didn't move to my area until DD was one, we tried contact at my parents and that didn't work so we went via a contact centre whilst sorting out court so he saw her once a fortnight for a couple of hours. A contact centre is fine it's just like taking them to a play group but you pass the pushchair over to staff when you get there so you don't have to see ex.

I initially suggested contact on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday starting at two hours and increasing an hour a month until DD was with ex from 8:30-5-pm. Little and often is best for young children. Once she started nursery and ex's work schedule changed we moved yo Wednesday and Sunday.

No overnights until 4 years old - she was bf but either way court was happy that 4 was a suitable age. Then it would be EOW and a Wednesday after Nursery until 6pm. A it turns out DD didn't like sleeping over so he brought her back Sat night and picked her up Sunday. Eventually this turned into me having her every Saturday and him every Sunday, it worked for DD, worked for his work schedule and I got a Break once a week.

Birthdays and Mother/fathers day spent with relevant parent

DDs birthday and Christmas alternated, Christmas eve noon - boxing day noon so se wasn't disturbed as having to transition on Christmas day - we just shifted the whole festive period and had our Christmas eve on the 27 th Christmas day on 28th.

Because court could see I was doing wha was right for DD and not trying to withhold her they just signed off on what I wrote. With the added sentence that we should be flexible with her needs as she grows. She's ateen now and is in control of her own time with her dad, he moved to live45 mins away instead of the 10mins walk he initially was so she just sees him every Sunday now