Moving an hour way with kids

[Raver84]

Hi

Just after some views on this.

Divorced 4 years
4 children
I work full time
I'm still in family home I pay mortgage in full in our joint home
Ex sees kids every other weekend. He makes no effort to see them any other time, including having any involvement in school activities
Ex moved an 45 mins away so doesn't do school pick ups mid weeks etc.

i am struggling massively ever month paying the mortgage and the bills the house is s huge Darin on one person. It's made for 2 adults it's not realistic to upkeep it alone, maintenance costs plus large mortgage which is over 50 per cent of my take home pay.

It been on the market since we got divorcesld long story but we have had many sales not go through through no fault of our own. It's now selling and progressing.

Now here's the bit I need help with.

My salary plus 50 percent equity means I need to recolcate to afford a smaller 4 bed, currently in a five bed. The cheapest area I can find with excellent schools, childcare and employment for me if 1 HR away.

Ex is arguing this is not happening.

For me to stay I will need an extra 200k or all his equity pretty much to be housed locally.

I cannot afford the mort
As it is, it will be going up in August when our fixed rate ends, by 900 on today's rates.

I have kept this rrangemebt going for as long as I can but it's impacting on us massively I can't afford to live like this much longer, without the added mortgage payment.

He pays cm, nothing else. He doesn't pay spousal maintenance as I didn't ask.

He won't contribute anymore.

He won't hear of an equity split of any less than 50 50 and whilst I'm in agreement with this I cannot afford to house the children locally.

For context I have finished a degree Nd secured a professional job, I've maximised my skills and taken on a second job workings at home venenings and weekend. I can't get a job outside the home round my full time post as there is not childcare available outside of normal working hours.

I have agreed to keep the every other weekend arrangement and his 4 weeks of school holidays.

I have agreed to share the extra bit of the journey.

How reasonable is this. Feeling rather stick. I have medication starting on December. Thanks

Not an expert here but I have been divorced and split a house, I'm fairly sure if you went to a solicitor you would be entitled to WAY more than 50% if you have all the children for that amount of time. Might be an idea to let him know how it would go if you took it to court. I got more than 50% and we share the children more than you two do.

Sorry I rushed sending that I have mediation starting in December!

Also to add the equity plus a mortgage is my sum for my move. My salary X 5.

For context he earns 3 times what I do

Mediation is a very good idea. When you divorced did you do a full financial settlement at the time?

Thanks @MrSlant

I have spoken to a solicitor who like you said the same. I cannot afford a solicitor as I siple work to pay bills and it's all gone. I have no savings. It's all gone on keeping the roof over our heads.

I was hoping in mediation we could agree this between ourselves.

Ultimately I may need to revisit a solicitor but the cost at the moment isn't doable

No financial settlement in place. We divorced and agreed to sell the home and it's just taken forever mediation will hopefully settle the financials and we can then get a consent order and put it to bed.

Hopefully mediation can work things out then, I know that is expensive but it really focused our minds into working things out as we didn't want to spend all our money on the mediator!

Ultimately not getting a solicitor could cost you so it might be worth looking in to ways of paying for that now before it comes to it. If you were entitled to 60% or more then it would be a false economy to leave it out. Hopefully he goes to one first, gets a shock and what he could owe you and revises his opinion fast BUT still best to get one yourself just so he can't pull the wool over your eyes.

Good luck, it's no fun but hopefully mediation clears a lot of things up for the dickhead who thinks he can tell you where to live

Solicitor fees will be an investment.

You can offer that you go 50:50 with the house and he becomes the primary parent and they live with him as you won't be able to house them adequately so they will have to move schools anyway.

Maybe there is a solicitor who would accept payment after the house is sold? (I don’t know how this works so maybe I’m dreaming!) Or could you put costs on a credit card.

Might be worth posting on the legal section to get some advice from some wise mumsnetters on that one? It sounds like whilst you are thinking 50:50 is fair, it isn’t fair if that’s meaning you are struggling to house the kids.

He's moved 45 mins away and you are thinking of moving an hour away. What will the total distance be between you? How will it work with your job in terms of commute? Are the kids ok moving schools etc?

Tbh whilst the house wasn’t selling he should have been paying more towards the mortgage. Not your fault it wouldn’t sell.

I think you need to clearly put all this in writing and be open with him. These are the options:

• you have to move an hour away to get something affordable and big enough. This will uproot the kids and be difficult for the journey every other weekend.
• you stay in the current area and have to move into a 2/3 bed, work out what house would be affordable and show him an example of where his kids would have to live.
• he gives more of the equity/contributes more including backdated mortgage payments to allow you to stay where you are and move somewhere bigger. You are comfortable a lawyer would enforce this and whilst you don’t want to go down that route legally you are entitled to more help

You earn X and currently after paying X in bills (split them out) you have X left per month. In august the mortgage will go up to X meaning you would have -X left per month if you stayed somewhere or a similar size. This is not possible and so one of the 3 options above has to happen.

Thank you, it's reassuring to realise you are all saying what I know deep down which in simple terms

1. If I stay local with the kids I need more money in equity
2. I can move and we have to adjust to that.

Or

1. I need legal advise.

My solicitor did say if it goes to court after medication and he seeks a solicitor during this process it may promote change as as one of you said, he will get a short shap shock when he realises what I could be asking for and at this stage I'm not.

Hes been controlling throught he marriage and I do feel that preventing the move, without any solution offered as to how I stay here is an further extension of his pattern of control. At the moment it feels very unfair, beacuse it is. I'm paying for absolutely everything and his contribution financially and practically is minimal.

Total mess. Mediation will help focus on the issues t hand and if it goes to court so beit I cannot be worse off than what I am now

@Raver84 I think you shouldn’t be afraid to ask what you are entitled to, it might feel uncomfortable but it’s important for the sake of the kids.

Some.of it fear there was such control in the marriage and He made my life utter hell after we split up, police involved.
Things have just become stable and I don't want to rock the boat, thats control unfortunately. You know what they can do, IE. Make my live shit again, and that prevents you fighting back. It's a shit show.

I think that what you cannot afford is not using a solicitor, you can pay it from the proceeds of the house.

Splitting the equity at 50/50 when the dad only takes them out in alternate weekends is bonkers! (I assume he is not paying for clothes, activities or childcare)

You may be a bit late to fight for more of the equity but I would hire a solicitor to advise before he puts in place a prohibition of steps order that prevents you from moving the kids with you.

And no, one hour away is no trouble when he only see them in alternate weekends, he can collect on Friday night if he doesn’t want to use part of Saturday for that.

You are being beyond reasonable.

I would suggest two things -

If you find him difficult to deal with get a new phone. Give everyone else your new number. Then only answer the old one at agreed times. Or just block his number except at agreed times when you unblock it.

Fundamentally you can't do what he wants you to do which is why you are worried because it sounds like he will be very unreasonable and abusive.

Unfortunately reality hits sometimes.

I'd suggest repeatedly saying: I can stay in this house if you accept me having an uneven split. Otherwise I have to move as I don't have enough money.

That puts the ball in his court and gives you something to just keep saying.

I suspect when you go to mediation he will bluster and be a grade A pain in the arse but ultimately he can't change reality. He will realise that it just will take a while.

You need to ask for more.

House
Pensions
Savings
Earning capacity

All need assessing and sorting out fairly before a final settlement. You should get far more than half based on the information given.

I think you can't afford NOT to have a solicitor.

They will take the emotion & abuse out of the scenario and empower you to protect your DC. This is their future as much as yours. They need you to be financially secure.

If the police were involved then you can get legal aid for a solicitor with that evidence (or a GP letter to say there was domestic abuse) and actually should not be going through mediation as it isn't advised where there has been domestic abuse. Please don't short change yourself!

Thanks all for the messages. I know I'm being reasonable but I'm dealing with someone unreasonable I'm hoping mediation will take the marriage issues out of the discussion entirely as whenever we have spoken it him saying well you wanted the divorce so that's what you get, you never loved me blah blah. There is no point at all talking to him as he is unable to have a focused conversation.

I already have another phone for him, but great advice thanks.

I have my miam this week and will see what they suggest re suitability to mediate at all.

I have been clear for the last 12 months on the my position.

Re phrobhited steps order he threatens this all the time but ultimately where he's chosen to live is so far away the kids would need a school move anyway as it would be an hour each way with traffic and unreasonable for them to do that each way, plus he works full time too and no childcare would be available as wrap round care as he starts early and gets home late a lot.

Thanks for everyone's help x

Beware of the mediation, don't hold out any hope that it will be useful. They just want it settled, they have no interest in whether it's fair or not. They also don't care if one of the couple is lying.

If you haven't already look up the formula to see how much he should be giving you for the children, it's possible that this would cover the mortgage.