What if anything should I say to dd's dad about us going travelling for a year?

[StripeyMama]

DD's dad walked out on us three years ago, when she was just two. He immediately moved in with a 17yo (he is 33), and within a year they had a baby. I stayed in the house we had shared for a year, hoping he would start making an effort to see dd, but he refused to commit to any regular contact or to give me any help, practical or financial. Two years ago we moved to live close to my family, who are very supportive. We have been to mediation 18 months ago to try and settle regular contact, but he failed to stick to what was arranged (one weekend a month).

Since then he has not really been very involved - he sees her every 6-8 weeks, when his parents drive the 80 miles to where we live to pick her up for the week and bring her back afterwards. She stays with his parents when she is there, and he goes round to see her during the day.

'Til I had dd, I lived as a traveller, and have decided to spend a year travelling with her before she really needs to be at school. I'll be 'home' edding her while we are away, and we will be travelling in the UK and Ireland, with the possibility of going to Spain later in the summer for 2/3 weeks.

As yet I haven't mentioned my plans to ex. In fact, I haven't seen or spoken to him since last May, when I bumped into him at a festival - all he said then was "Oh, hi" and walked off. I do not have a phone number for him - he refuses to give me one, as he shares a phone with his gf, who does not want me to have the number. I could phone his mother and get her to pass the message on, but don't want to because... 1) she is an interfering nasty old hag who I don't like and find it very hard to speak civilly to; 2) its not really her business - I had a child with her son, not her; and 3) she will heartily disapprove and lecture me at length on how irresponsible she thinks I'm being.

How do I go about telling him? Should I bother - given that he will still see dd every few weeks as usual - they will just have to pick her up from wherever we are, or I will take her there myself.

Oh and should add that at mediation I did agree to discuss issues over dd's education, health, and welfare with him - but its sort of not possible to do so. He agreed to provide me with a phone number, which he has still not done, 18 months on.

Ask the CAB what you can do, by law. Then do it. Bollocks to him, StripeyMama. Once you know you aren't breaking the law, I think he deserves as much consideration as he gives you. Have a great year!!

As I understand it if he has PR you cannot remove the child from jurisdiction for more than a period of 28 days without his permission.

If there's no court order in place you don't have to do anything as such. One option might be to write to him care of his parents to inform him of your plans, a contact number, and to give a date when you intend to return. Have you sorted out an application for the school you want your daughter to attend once you return?

Have you also considered the possibility of his parents still collecting dd every 6-8 weeks. Even if you are travelling could you not arrange to let them know where you'll be maybe 7 days in advance of the 6-8 weeks being up and give them the choice of travelling to see dd?

If she has a relationship with them then it's probably worth maintaining. Also they might decide to kick up a fuss, but less likely if they aren't going to miss out seeing their granddaughter as before.

Gilly

It sounds like you don't owe him anything. WHat about his parents though? It seems they are the ones you should be worrying about more. They must care about your dd a lot to keep doing that round trip and having her to stay when their son clearly can't be bothered.

yes gps might miss your dd terribly as they have a sound relationship with her, and vice versa. What is jurisdiction exactly? Within the reach of the law? That might exclude travelling to Scotland, Ireland, Spain, etc for any length of time, I imagine.

[quote]The Law in brief
Permission is needed from the court to take a child out of the UK in the following situations:

• Where the child is a ward of court;
• Where there is a residence order in force and removal will be for more than a month, arranged by the person holding the residence order, or everyone with parental responsibility consents, or permission was granted at the time of making the order;
• Where removal would constitute a criminal offence under the Child Abduction Act 1984. [10]

In other words, if each parent shares parental responsibility, both must agree to the removal. In addition, leaving aside the possibility of any criminal sanction, the author would advise any parent who wishes to take a child out of the jurisdiction to seek the written consent of the other parent or carer whether or not they have parental reponsibility.[/quote]

Source: FamilyLawWeek Author: Jacqui Gilliatt
www.4bc.co.uk/member_home.html?id=6

I don't think you're able to if his has Joint Parental Responsibility. To get this, he'll either be names on the Birth Cert or been granted it by the court later on.

If he has PR, you'll need his written permission.

Ah, so I can actually do what the hell I like! We have no court orders or anything in place.

She will still go to stay with gps every 6-8 weeks, but will just have to be collected from wherever we are at the time, or I ill take her myself. Its not going to affect then at all which is why I am questioning the need to actually tell them anything.

I think If it were me i would inform the grandparents of your plans, nearish the time and tell them that nothing will chane regarding their usual contact, as for your ex, like you say if he refuses to provide you with a phone number to get in contact with him he can hardly get miffed about not being kept up to date can he!

Yes, thats an idea - I'd just prefer not to involve exMIL if possible as we really don't get on. Her parenting style is totally in opposition to mine, and she repeatedly has tried to undermine my decisions in the past, on homebirth ("Its dangerous, you might both die"), breastfeeding ("She needs a rusk in a bottle" at 5 weeks old), dd's diet ("Oh she'll be stunted if she doesn't eat meat - never mind, she can have a sausage at her Grandma's can't she") etc.

But most worryingly, she had solicitor's letters sent to me when I first said I was moving away (she got ex to go to solicitors with her and say they were worried I would prevent access - with no reason to be worried, as I have always tried to get ex to see dd more!), and I'm worried that she might try that again if she doesn't like what I'm doing. I know she herself has no "rights" as such, but ex will do whatever keeps her happy, so if she tells him to take the legal route in order that she can get her own way, he probably will. She heartily disapproves of travellers (as do, I suspect, the family courts) and, while I realise she will find out eventually, I just don't want a fight.

Sorry that made me laugh, your MIL sounded just like my own mother! I had a home birth, despite everyone trying to convince me otherwise. And had her trying to convince me baby was hungry and needed food way before it's considered safe to give solids, and that you need to add salt to everything for taste and human's need salt in tehir diet so you should add it to everything, even home made baby food... and she had no clue about breastfeeding as hadn't done it herself... "you shouldn't feed on demand, only every three hours or you'll spoil that child".... In the early days I thought she must know what she was talking about, and felt i was doing wrong, but now i realise she didn't and I was glad i stuck to my what i believed.

And I've brough my son up as vegi too, which she does at least bite her tongue about now and has to admit he's thriving and eats a good variety of fruit.

Just ignore and continue to do what you feel is best Least she's your MIL and you only have to see her briefly every 6-8 weeks!

If you do write a letter closer to the time saying you intend to travel for x amount of time and state that you fully intend to continue the contact as before, and then you do continue that contact, then she's not going to get anywhere in court really is she. But if you don't she might claim you aren't informing them and they have no idea where you are yadda yadda... A letter when it's all sorted and about to kick in would be best i feel. You've nothing to hide after all, and they'll worry no doubt, but they'll worry even more if you vanish off without any word. Think about if you were the grandma (which one day you might be), wouldn't you rather be told directly and given the facts, rather than left to speculate and fear the worst? Have a great time, and don't forget to send MIL a postcard or two ;)

StripeyMama...
So far you have taken the high moral ground by trying to get your DD's father more involved in your DD's life. Why not continue in that vein.

Send DD's dad notice in a letter that you will be travelling for the next year via the in laws. It would be a courteous and considerate thing to do, leaving you once again, on the high moral ground.

The quote I left above from a barrister said..."the author would advise any parent who wishes to take a child out of the jurisdiction to seek the written consent of the other parent or carer whether or not they have parental responsibility" Leaving jurisdiction without permission could be problematic according to this barristers view whether or not a parent has PR. Also remember as Katelyn said he could be granted PR if he went to court.

Seeing as he has shown little interest in or resistance to whatever the arrangements for your child there are, why not just let him know your going travelling with your DD. He, given his attitude would probably go, yeah whatever, no problem.

If you just upped and left he could realise what he's been missing and put up a fight, through the courts.

if he's anything likemy ex, he'll enjoy the rest, ie, it being so troublesome to make any effort to have contact with your dd.

Stripeymama - you're soo cool - can I come?

I wouldn't bother saying anything, it sounds as though you've been remarkably reasonable and he has demonstrated that he doesn't care a great deal, your dd will have a wonderful experience so go for it. As you say he'll see her so what's the problem - as for not giving you his phone number that's shockingly irresponsible if you have a daughter together IMHO.

Well, I will send a letter (via the inlaws) to him, setting out my plans and my provisions for dd's education and welfare etc. Will keep a copy on the computer in case he tries to say he was not informed.

We are only intending to go to Spain for a couple of weeks, a holiday really, but I can see its best to advise him.

Wisteria - don't know about 'cool', just restless! And possibly quite mad - we have no car, just a rucksack, tent, and Family Railcard... And lots of friends who will put us up in some beautiful places.

"we have no car, just a rucksack, tent, and Family Railcard... And lots of friends who will put us up in some beautiful places."

OMG that sounds fucking wonderful! Enjoy!

respect to you stripeymama! i used to travel heaps and even rode my motorbike from canada to chile pre-dd.

now i'm cacking my pants at the thought of taking dd on a package holiday to spain ffs!

i sooooo want a holiday, i soooo want to take dd away soon for a bit of sun. i am soooo intimidated by package holidays but can't seem to find anything else that's affordable/do-able.

anyway tho, i think you're doing the right thing with the letter and hope you have a fabulous time.

Yes you do lose your nerve a bit once you have children. I feel slightly terrified at times but oh-so-excited mainly.

Thanks for the words of encouragement!