lostdad...communication book???

[Fluffybubble]

lostdad, was it you that mentioned using a communication book? If it was (or if it was someone else who is reading this..!!) how does this work? What kind of information is put in there?? Is it detailed down to what dc eats / plays etc or is it for you and ex to communicate without actually having to speak??

My exh is refusing to talk to me at all at the moment and I thought this sounded like a possible last resort...!

TIA

Yes - ds is 16 months old and ex hides while her mum brings him to me. We put in the book what time he's fed, changed, slept a rough idea of what he ate. She puts in whether he's ill too.

She also tells me what I do wrong on a weekly basis. That isn't so good.

It's better than nothing, but talking would always seem better to me.

It's crap that it's come to this isn't it??

What I wondered was how useful you found it? Also, can it potentially be a negative thing - I think you menioned court and I think that we may be heading that way too - I have just considered (cynically) that, as a document, it could potentially be used against you ("you" in general, not you!). For eg - "dc had fishfingers 3 nights in a row last week...= neglect!!")

My ex also hides from me, if that helps . Sorry you are having a rubbish time. Thanks for info.

Depends what you use it for - seems utterly pointless to me, seeing as he spends 4 hours a week with me and is for her sense of control, nothing more. On the other hand I have managed to work out his daily routine from it - because she sure as hell won't tell me anything like that.

But I can see the merit in it, especially if contact time is longer - and if it leads to mutual trust and communication eventually, so much the better.

With regard to the negative thing - it's all a fine balance. Personally I regard court as a case of `damned if you do, damned if you don't' and you're onto a loser whatever you do.

About hiding ex's - if I work on the assumption that my (or your) ex would do anything for my ds...why won't she take the momentuous step of talking to me?

Answers on a postcard to...

hi i've been through the court sytem and i also use this type of communication with my son's father and we had a rough time through court to begin with and were unable to speak and be civil with one another. To begin with he used it with the sole purpose of changing days and times etc for access to suit him, which I brought up in court the next time we were there.

We both had to learn that the book was for our sons sake, not to rip pieces out of eachother and it has helped us considerably over time to reach a place where we can now be friends. We put in things like what he's done this week, any illness, sleep times things like that. I honestly feel that the communication book was an extremely positive thing.

As for being used against you in court I doubt a judge would look at it in any negative light, regardless of whether or not you give your children fish fingers 3 nights in a row (lol fluffybubble), because its looked upon as a way forward to coming to a civil agreement.

I agree with lostdad re it being pointless if there is no hope of both parties being willing to make an effort not to pick at one another in it. then again you have to start to communicate somewhere for the child's sake.

Lostdad, its not fair of your exp to not tell you things about your own child it winds me up hearing things like that because its the child that suffers

Thanks ld and ppp. I think this might be quite useful in my situation - since Christmas exh hs seen ds four times and he knows nothing about his everyday life. I feel so hurt on ds's behalf that exh cannot show moe interest but, as you say ppp, any form of communication is better than none, for ds's sake.

lostdad- I have seen some of your other posts and I'm really sorry that you are being excluded to such a degree. I think that the assumption is usually (wrongly)that the absent parent is at fault. In many cases the dads do take themselves off and leave the mum to it. I'm afraid that the actions of these men precede you...

Has your ex given any indication why she will not communicate with you? I have no idea why, with regards to my situation, which is incredibly frustrating, and so hard when I am then expected to hand ds over for a weekend visit.

Your ex sounds very hostile at the moment, maybe that will change given time?? Don't let that stop you fighting to see your ds though. Whatever happens, and whoever your ex sees (saw your post about new bf) you will always be his dad.