Anyone else think kids don’t always realise?

[MintGreenPolo]

Anyone else think kids don’t always “see for themselves” what the absent parent was like? I keep hearing kids will realise when they grow up for themselves or will appreciate all you do for them etc but anyone else think this isn’t always true? Some end up idolising the absent parent..

My friend is pushing 40 and still let's her dad disappoint her regularly. It's sad to see.
But then, her mum was shit too.

Depends on the individual I must say, and how much they do end up actually finding out about what went down.

I'm 41, parents divorced at 2 and now only in contact with my mum. From my experience kids do see how much trouble the absent person caused.

I realised decades before my brother how wank our dad was. Nobody had to tell me, he let me down enough to work it out for myself. Now 26 years after he left my brother is helping care for him and he is suddenly regretting treating us like shit. Shame for him!

@MintGreenPolo It makes me feel sad but I totally agree with you. It hurts so much when you know you've done everything and given all you can. 💔

As an adult, I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for my mum bringing us up as a single parent with no support. As a child and young adult, I was oblivious as to how many sacrifices my mum made for us, (she never let on to how hard it was) but since being a proper grown up, with children myself, and a loving very hands on, supportive husband, most days, I think to myself "how the f* did she do this, on her own, with no money, no support, nothing?" I admire her more than anyone else I know. Becoming a parent was the eye opener for me, understanding how it must have been for my mum. I have no contact with my dad. He wasn't around when we were kids, and has tried to make contact several times since we grew up. I.e, once the hard work was done, he wanted "in" on family time, to meet his grandchildren, and to probably try and sponge off of us, as we've all gone on to have good careers and do well financially. He can go to hell. I would never give him the satisfaction of laying eyes on my children, as he never earned the title of "dad" let alone grandad. My mum never bad mouthed him, she didn't have to, his own actions, or lack of, explained all we needed to know about him. I am currently saving to take mum to New York, as she's always longed to go, and I want to be able to treat her and give back to her after everything she did for us.

My ex sees them maybe 4 or 5 times a year. Ex grew up without his dad on the scene, but now he and his brothers all see their dad regularly (only his sister doesn't want to know, but she is a single mum too, so perhaps she has a better understanding of the other perspective than her brothers do). Maybe it's a gender thing too?

I think what you say is true @MintGreenPolo , lots of children of lone parents end up having a fine relationship with the non-present parent once they reach adulthood and the "they'll see that for themselves" thing is just a balm we tell ourselves when things are feeling hard.

No they don't always realise. But I hope decent people realise. My ex had an abusive father who went to prison for rape just a very nasty man. All his siblings have nothing to do with their dad but my ex sees him and has turned out just like him

I've seen it on here many times about how mums are great etc.

My mother stopped me having a relationship with my dad and made it difficult for him every step of the way. My dad fought and fought every step of the way but due to my mom's influence on us children we didnt see our dad.

My mom was a very controlling and manipulative woman and now from reaching out to my father I can see what has happened.

Yeah kids may discover what happened but the pain never goes away as im never going to get that time back I've missed with my father.

@CharliesAngels81 , what you describe is awful, however also gives me worries. I have never stopped ex seeing the children. I have even suggested we go to see him (he lives 2 hours away) but he has declined the last few times I've suggested it (I'm tired, I'm busy, the house (that he has lived in for 2 years) isn't ready etc) so I don't suggest it any more. Their dad could quite easily say in the future that I am the one keeping them from him. It will only be my word against his.

I agree that that can definitely be the case sometimes OP. More often than people like to think on here.