Christmas guilt

[Pjrunner]

I guess I just need somewhere to spill how I’m feeling. I’m a single parent of a 20 month old. I’m feeling so down about Christmas this year. My amazing Dad died 5 years ago and he has left a huge hole in everybody’s lives. I cry everytime I think what my daughter is missing by not knowing him. If he was here I know I wouldn’t be feeling like this about Christmas.
This year I’m at a loss. None of my family are that into Christmas. My mum isn’t into Christmas at all and I have to remind her constantly to acknowledge her granddaughter. She doesn’t mean to be like this. She is a product of her childhood. It doesn’t come naturally to her. I understand this but doesn’t stop me getting upset and frustrated when I see my daughter vying for her love and affection. I have some really supportive friends but they have their own grown up children who they’ll be spending Christmas with. I wish I had the confidence to book to go away somewhere. I’m sad for my daughter and I’m sad for me. Pity party for one over here 👋

Why don’t you just book to go away somewhere? Doesn’t have to be the other side of the world, but it would probably be really fun for you & your little girl. You may absolutely love it & it will turn into a tradition, you may also hate it but at least you tried.

I keep thinking about doing this but then I think I still have to find ways to keep her entertained all day and what if there’s nothing to do and we end up in a hotel room watching peppa pig all Christmas Day 🤯

Go to stay in a specifically family orientated hotel with activities for kids and parents so you have lots to do and can make friends with other parents. Or invite another single parent to share Christmas with you?

It was similar for me when ds was little and my dad died.

I have always found Christmas stressful since then but my ds has grown up loving it. He has never complained that most years has been just the 2 of us.

I used to feel like this. Then I watched a film called "Life is Beautiful" it literally changed my life and how I felt about raising my child on my own. I always found Christmas really draining and then I decided to change and make it fun for my child not for me particularly... you gotta do it for you and make create your family. Make it special for you, start making memories and routines for Christmas, create your own. Leave the miseries to their own devices... you can't hold everyone up. But you can you and your child. Good luck sending loads of good things to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss @Pjrunner .

I can identify with some of the tricky feelings around being a single parent to an only child especially at certain times of year. I've been lucky that as my son got older the feelings eased and I'm now much more comfortable with it- I hope that happens for you too.

Putting pressure on yourself to provide a perfect Christmas is understandable because you want only good things for your daughter. But in my own experience this can cause overwhelming guilt and stress- often we are aiming at an unrealistic goal and setting ourselves up to fail.

Combine this with the understandable grief you're feeling and no wonder you're struggling.

Your DH is still so so young and believe it or not any memory of Christmas at her age will be non existent or hazy depending on who you talk to.

Please be kind to yourself. Maybe pick and choose a few things to do together which maybe you can do each year to begin to build your own traditions. It sounds like youve accepted that your mum is unable to step up in the way you'd like, which is a shame but you can't make her change.

My son is now 17. When we can we still go to a panto together, wander round the shops one afternoon buy a bath bomb and have a hot chocolate, decorate a gingerbread house (this has become more elaborate and ridiculous each year), watch A Christmas Carol. I felt similarly to you 15 years ago, but things can and will change.

We've weathered a fair bit together including my 10 year marriage to his step father failing this year. My ExH has a huge family and I initially thought the ensuing massive crazy family Christmases would be wonderful compared to what I offered as a single parent to one child.

They had good moments but they were also exhausting and louder than I am comfortable with. I often cooked for almost 20 and craved it all being over. His family have not contacted DS or I and I find myself surprised to be looking forwards to a cosy, gentle Christmas together. DS is a typical teen, I don't share my feelings with him. Yet despite him being an extrovert with a lot of friends he too has said this week that he's looking forward to Christmas day "just us".

You are enough for your daughter. You love her and you have it within you to provide exactly what she needs. Sending you a unmumsnetty hug.