10+ years into single parenting - still as isolated as ever

[treeees]

Hello all, I'm a 10+ years LP with no local support.

I find the daily grind really hard and despite being great at picking myself up, dusting myself off after a difficult day, not a lot changes.

I'm trying so hard to make new habits, exercise, lose weight... would love a new work setup (I WFH) or house, but I can't afford a mortgage or to rent anywhere else.

Basically despite pursuing so many habits, in the longer term my days and evenings are pretty much the same as they have been for 10 years now.

Yes, it's easier now my kid is coming to the end of primary, vs baby years.

But I am as isolated as ever. Friends drop off and I feel increasingly lost and almost bitter (trying not to be). I can't maintain a social life (no childcare), can't afford babysitters, relationship in this situation is out of the question. Friends are tied up with their own lives and families, I don't have a crew of people I can socialise with or fall back on. It is me and the DC basically, and I see family every few months for a couple of days only.

I basically live and work in one room of my house, the rest of the time is taken up with school run, school clubs, cleaning. I see a friend maybe once or twice a month if I am lucky.

I am trying so hard to maintain new habits around cooking healthy food, regular exercise etc. But in the face of the situation, a bad day or week can throw me back to square one again. And I had hoped for a bigger change amid all the work I am doing on myself.

Does anyone else feel like being a LP is a relentless slog where very little changes over the long term? I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. I can paint the hamster wheel a different colour, but at the end of the day it's still a hamster wheel if you get me. Not sure what is going on, feels like a midlife crisis of sorts. Would love any feedback.

I couldn't read your thread and not reply I'm sorry you feel like this.

I've been a single parent for 5.5 years now, I go out to work 4.5 long days a week and spend the other half day being a full on mum. I don't feel like you do at all though so if I can help in any way I'd like to.

What age are your dc?
Do they sleep? Do you sleep?
Do your dc do activities?

What do you like to do?

You need to get out from those 4 walls, is your job suiting you?

I've also had weight loss struggles so can empathise there too
I don't see friends as often as I'd like but I do have a bf who I see regularly, but even when I didn't I was still happy with life.

I think it’s the WFH, I know it makes sense in terms of school runs etc but you need a break from the same 4 walls.

I feel the same re friends, school-gate mums are lovely but it’s all v superficial. Plus I’ve had bad experiences in the past so deliberately keep a distance.

I hear you op.

I've been a lone parent for 3.5 years. I have five year old twins.

It is SO isolating. I have friends but usually only see them during day time because of child care. I am horribly lonely. It feels especially bad now winter is setting in. I worry i will never be in a relationship again and that this is if for me

I'm not bored as such as I never stop. It is so hard though. I could genuinely kill for a bit of adult conversation on a night time

@ChrisTrepidation

I'm also a single parent of twins - their "dad" left when they were 1 and that was about 18 months ago. Also have an older child at primary and I work full time

I feel very isolated and overwhelmed at times. Comfort eat, go to bed with the kids - get up and go to work and then start all over again. I try and meet up with friends etc but they usually have one or two children (not twins) and I feel that my little mob comes across as wild and chaotic and also have to cram it into a weekend which is already busy with cleaning, homework, ironing, shopping

Can't date - my ex husband sees the children for an hour per fortnight. No more and certainly no overnights

I actually feel lonelier at work surrounded by people - they are generally younger and just starting out on their happy loved up lives and getting married and having babies and I feel so out of place and different. For being sold that single parent families are everywhere I personally don't know any! And that feels so much worse as I don't want pity invites

Single parent to a 5 year old, been on my own for 4.5 years now. The dad is involved and sees our son regularly but is only interested in playing and having fun with him. Everything else that goes along with raising a child falls to me.

My family is in another country so I have no family support and no one else I can rely on for childcare. I don't have time for friendships so most of my friends have drifted away and I have just two who I will see 4 or 5 times per year.

My job isnt great but the hours and location are convenient which is what keeps me there. There isnt much team spirit and most of the day is spent in silence while everyone gets on with their own projexts so even the days I'm in the office can still be quite lonely.

@thelonemommabear I'd love to know where all the single parents are as well.

I do know a few but none where the fathers have zero involvement. Honestly feel so isolated.

I agree that being around other people can actually make you feel more lonely. When I see friends and they're talking about plans with partners, nights out etc. I often just want to cry.

My mum tells me I'll meet a new partner at some point. When? I never have a chance to go anywhere to meet someone. Plus I'm so untrusting of men after what my ex did to me.

I often feel like my life is over in many ways. You can't say that to people though obviously so i just carry on being silently bitter.

I get it op. I don’t even relate to other single parents as mostly they all prefer being single and say they never feel lonely. I’ve been on my own for 7 years almost and I’m extremely lonely and struggle to relate to other single parents.

I remember this all too well before I met do. I wasn't "allowed" to complain either. I remember one year where I had worked from 6am-10pm seven days a week (work and childcare/cleaning) tried harder than ever, sacrified more than ever. I was in trouble at work and the harder I worked the worse it got, kid was sick, physically injured, broken boiler so not hot water or heating, friends letting me down and something in me broke. I decided to go out and be selfish and have fun and just for once look after my own needs. Dd was 18 and mature and she encouraged me to and babysat. So I just had fun. Met friends, tried new things, had my eyebrows done. I had been working like a slave for years and nothing to show for it. Exh who saw the kids an hour a month was earning 20k a year more because he never had to do pickups or doctor's or parents evening. He was so furious at me not being a good little slave I think he even threatened to kill me (he was super dramatic) but I had had enough. Anywayyyyy, this is when I met Dp. Easy going, funny, lovely eyes. And the rest is history. Don't let people keep you in a cage OP. Oh and the kids, new man and I have a great relationship.

@ChrisTrepidation

I can't imagine ever meeting someone else. I joined a couple of OLD sites but then swiftly realised when would I have the bloody time!! people say oh get a babysitter but the twins are a nightmare to get to sleep - and I'm just knackered by the time they do going out is the last thing I want to do

I don't feel bitter - in many ways my ex husband being gone is a good thing - we were together nearly 20 years - I just feel really really sad sometimes. I look at him now and it's like the man I married is dead. And it's quite scary really - I'm 40 but I could be alone for the next 10 years or more until I actually have the time to date when the kids are older and the thought of dating at age 50 makes me feel sick

I don’t have direct experience of this but my mum was a lone parent, and my dad was not around much at all. Any contact with him was inconsistent and sporadic.

I just wanted to say that I really admire you all for what you are doing, and I hope things get easier as time passes. I hope that your relationship with your children will be extremely close when they grow up and that they reflect on their upbringing and all that meant for you with mature eyes.

sorry if this is over emotional or misjudged or unhelpful. I’m 35 weeks pregnant and it’s an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.

hi everyone, thank you for your lovely posts and support. I agree the WFH is a bit of a killer. I went out a bit more this week with some daytime things going on, nice walks and catchups and it made a world of difference. I felt so much happier. An unhappy person will not have an easy time making and building a social network!

I am hopeful that I can find a way to work out of the house soon. I do need to build a social network. Maybe next year when DD goes to secondary school things will be that bit easier.

Trees the funny thing is that your kids will want you to be happy. You kids will feel happier if you are happier because they can sense it. So enjoying yourself snd prioritising your own needs is actually a win/win. You are clearly too sensible to let them go without but giving yourself a break now and then does work.

I hear you, it’s been nearly 5 years here, my family aren’t local. Friends tend to be situational or lack understanding that I don’t have another adult who’d take the reins whilst I go away for a long weekend. I much prefer being single in a lot of ways but I do also feel lonely. I’d love to meet someone but I lack time, emotional capacity and money to date. I’m forever exhausted, running from one task to the next all whilst ex is on the periphery. He’s more of a useless uncle type figure, lots of fun but can’t be relied upon.

Every single decision falls to me. Funding support for Autistic DD’s falls to me. Meetings with the schools fall to me. And that in itself is very hard mentally and emotionally. They’re now 12 & 9 I’m seeing glimmers of light and being more able to prioritise me again. Things do get easier with time.

Delighted to hear that you can see some light trees

I could have written the very same post. I'm starting to worry about the fact that I'm a year on being a single parent and have only been 'out' once! I also work from home so now work friends face to face and the few friends I do have are busy with their own lives 🫣 You've got the right attitude OP, it's time to think about yourself a little and get out more - I aim to do the same!

@rockingbird solidarity to you! I hope you are doing ok. it's a rough ride at times. Mentally the headspace can be hard when you spend too much time at home on your own. Yes let's get out and try to have some fun!!!

@Happierwithouthim thank you so much ❤

sounds super tough @SpaceRaiders . you're doing an amazing job! You're right friends can be hard going as they can't really empathise easily with how hard it is. But you're almost out of the hardest years with any luck. Keep the faith!

Hello <waves> single parent here for 17 (nearly 18 😳) years.

I think you are probably feeling the isolation due to wfh, that would definitely do my mental health no good. Have you looked for work where you would see more people?

That said your dc will start to be more independent in the next few years and you will be able to start leaving them for a bit once they're 13/14yo.

Have you looked into any single parent holidays? I have done a few over the years and they have all been positive and a good way to make friends.

Have you got any pets? We got a dog when dd was 13yo and he has been a God send in helping both of us survive the teen years 😬😂