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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dd5, has broken down, said she wants too see daddy, I have rang and left a message but altho I am doing this for dd i still feel like i've sold my soul to the devil

22 replies

piratecat · 10/03/2008 22:57

She has been so troubled, depressed, wettingherself.

For weeks.

She heard me talk back to her dad on saturday, and tbh I do belive its had a positive effect on her. I was sticking up for her, andn ow it's like she has decided to let out the tears, and very bravelly said yes she will see him.

I say brave becuase it has takenher alot, to say this, as I know she is very angry with him.

I left another basic, but sort of 'look its make or break time' pea to him, on his answerphone. I felt I was being far too nice to him, too many words, but somehow I had to try and convey the big deal of this.

I feel drained, like being verbal to him has somehow made me smaller, but this is my last ditch attempt to get this back on track. Ihave explained that there is to be no, next week saying she 'has' to g to his, and thats the way it is.

I feel scared for dd, i hope he steps up to the mark.

OP posts:

Original poster

piratecat · 10/03/2008 22:57

plea !

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Scramble · 10/03/2008 22:59

I don't know your situation, has he not been seeng her?

shelleylou · 10/03/2008 23:00

You havent sold your soul to the devil youve done what you think is best for your daughter. Hope that it all goes well ((((((((hugs))))))))

ara · 10/03/2008 23:01

how old is your dd?

Original poster

piratecat · 10/03/2008 23:01

she hasn't been wantign to se ehim, becuase he hasn't been seeing her iyswim.

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ara · 10/03/2008 23:03

oh sorry, her age is in the title. well done you - sounds like a hard thing to have done but you have done the right thing - fingers crossed for you and your dd that he doesn't disappoint her.

dolally · 10/03/2008 23:05

does she feel rejected by him?

You are doing this for her, so you are doing it for the best of all reasons. there is no way this could be classified as selling your soul.

skyatnight · 11/03/2008 00:09

She heard your side of the conversation when you were on the phone with him? I think she may have come to the conclusion that she is going to have to be the big person, the 'grown-up' in this, because it is obvious that he is incapable of putting her needs first and recognising her protest, of refusing to see him.

I hope your dd can sort out her relationship with him but I expect that she will realise more and more that he isn't worth the effort.

Original poster

piratecat · 11/03/2008 08:25

skyat night, yes, I thik the same. She is going to be the bigger person, to begin with. But I am right behind her onthis one, I will not accept any crap form him.

I have told him that its make or break, an that he HAS to make this the start of a progressive thing.

Thinking about it, dd is very brave, because she could wel be setingherslef up here to be let down again. Yet I do feel that maybe we have to do this, to get some completion. If he starts to me her around again, then we will have to start over, but maybe it is for the best.

I don't know, she might see him this once and that will be enough for her for now.

Anyway, he has to return my call first.

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skyatnight · 11/03/2008 10:29

Yes, I've just gone through a round of this with my dd's father. It is a bit sick-making to have to call them to try and sort something out, yet again. But, in fact, I feel better after I've done it because I know that at least I have tried my best. If you don't try, they can tell people that you are blocking access but, if you do everything to facilitate contact, it becomes more and more obvious that they are the problem. I think it does start to get to them.

Maybe your dd will feel the same? If she refuses to see him, he can blame the loss of the relationship on her (as he seemed to be doing in your last phone call). She could in the future blame herself for this too or wonder if things would be different if she hadn't refused to see him. If she offers to see him and, thereby, takes that excuse of his away, then, she will feel at peace with herself in the future in that she did everything she could.

I sometimes think that my dd seeing her father and he then letting her down would be better than her never seeing him. She'd be hurt but at least that way she could make up her own mind about his character (or lack of it) rather than idolising a fantasy figure.

But, fingers crossed for you, that he will take this opportunity to see your dd and make things right again for her.

Original poster

piratecat · 11/03/2008 15:53

incredibly she has NOT wet herself today. This will be the first dry day in 5 weeks.

I think the human brian/mind is amazing. Its almost as tho she has let go of her angst, and passed to him, by puting the onus on him.

She now has control.

How odd.

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skyatnight · 11/03/2008 19:15

That's good news. The thought-processes of a child are amazing. I hope things improve now for her.

Original poster

piratecat · 12/03/2008 08:07

thanks skyatnight.

just a grumble if I may.

Her dad rang last night, he didn't speak to me about my message, he just spoke to her.

She got off the phone and said, ''just two things mummy,--he asked if I wanted to speak to his gf....'

the gf is one of the probs.

How can the man be so very very stupid, this is the first time dd has spoken to him on the phone in 6 months, the first 'contact' since b4 xmas.

WTF is wrong with his mentality, to ask her something, which made it awkward for her???

Can you see what i mean about him never takign this slowly, and its why even tho I am so pleased she is so happy to have spoken to him, AND he's coming to see her, I am sad too, that she will get let down, by presurising questions, whic tbh are giving her severe probs. The weeing prob, and the depression.

I have put the ball rolling for me and her to have some couselling, so maybe this can help.

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glitterfairy · 12/03/2008 08:15

Piratecat I so understand. Slightly different circumstances but similar in that my youngest still wants a relationship with her dad but he pushes his gf on her and constantly lets her down. She is frightened of him because of his past violence and he refuses to even think about that.

My eldest has chosen to not see him anymore at all or have any further contact. My middle son sees him very very occasionally in the end the only way to do things is to let them make their own minds up. Sad though that they even need to go down this road.

Original poster

piratecat · 12/03/2008 10:06

yes sad that they have to have this burden put on them by a grown, or not so grown men.

Do you think, as I do, that the gf's are very insecure, and ever so almost subconciously (or not!) put these pathetic men under so much pressure that they just ride roughshod over the children's feelings?

I wonder IF the gf is insecure, because, she does come over very confident, and I always thought she was ok.

Maybe not. My dd isn't happy spending time with the gf, and says she is very bossy, and mean.

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Citronella · 14/03/2008 16:01

Piratecat you are most certainly not selling your soul to the devil (I don't know the full history). Your poor daughter sounds very badly affected by her dad and/or his new gf for whatever reasonand she at her so young age has made such a step to say she is brave enough to see him again. If he cannot understand this and keep his gf out of it by seeing her and talking to her (your daughter) on a one to one basis and building a strong relationship with her first then he is the fool. You are obviously doing the best you can for her and it must be so difficult for you to see her so unhappy. The counselling sounds like a really good idea and maybe she will gain confidence from it.

I really wish you both the very best of luck.

Original poster

piratecat · 14/03/2008 19:19

thankyou.

i am in a bit of an emotional mess sincelastnight as havehad some upsetting contact with him again, so much so that I broke down infornt of her teacher this morning, and went to have achat with her and the head.

He rang again last night and started on at dd to go to his house. She started wailing, i asked him why was he pushing it STIL when he hasn't even seen her yet, to which he told me not to question him, say anything to him, that he can say what he wants to dd. told me to stop shouting at me?which i wasn't.

dd is in background crying, and scared and let down. He puts phone down onme. then texys me to say if I dare speak to him (or as he calls it shout at him} on saturdat when he comes he will walk off. I rang and said, why on earth was he being so dramatic, and he had another go at me, and then his gf grabbed the phoned and said they were trying to get some sleep (it was 9.15) would i leave them alone.

i was in bitslastnight. i havebeen so strong for months, but he is such a bully.

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dolally · 14/03/2008 20:19

he is a bully, as you say. that comes accross very strongly.

without knowing all the details, perhaps it would be better if you and dd kept your distance for a few years.

It sounds like another letdown for both of you.

So sorry.

Original poster

piratecat · 15/03/2008 09:55

well dd has decided she in fact doesnot now want to go out with him today, only for him to briefly visit here.

Me asking that he not pressure her, or ask her to even contemplate contact with hi gf, was well intentioned by me. It was not 'telling him what to do/say' as he puts it, for the sake of it. It was to protect dd, and help dd. Ultimately it has now backfired on him, that he pressured her, becuase dd's reasons for not wanting to go awaty from our home is that she is scared his gf will turn up and meet them, or that ex dh will ask further awkward questions.

I will not be pointing this out to him, as I now accept again, it doesnt work.

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TheAntiFlounce · 15/03/2008 10:03

Piratecat what a horrible situation for you, you are handling this so well, and you and your daughter are being so brave.

May I suggest thatyou sit with her on your lap while she speaks to him? This might make her feel more secure and protected, so she may feel brave enough to make her needs clear to him (clearly he does not listen to her).

Have you tried going through a contact centre?

It baffles me how fathers (and sorry, single dads, it usually is fathers) can just leave and forget their children, the children they have helped to raise since birth.

Original poster

piratecat · 15/03/2008 11:12

getting pretty nervous now, i had some rescue remedy here somewhere. I just had a look at my ange cards and got 'fun', it said to create a sense of the ridiculous!!

will try and think of this!

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TheAntiFlounce · 15/03/2008 11:31

you are not responsible for his behavior.

You are well within your rights to ask him to leave,

You are well within your rights to call the police and have him removed if he refuses to leave, becomes violent or abusive towards you or your daughter, threatens you, or threatens or attempts to damage your home and/or property.

his behavior is his responsibility

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