help and advice please?new to singleparenthood

[taken4granted]

Hi Ive just found out well last monday via an e mail actually that my ex oh has decided hes had enough of me after 11 yrs(I should think myself lucky) and left within 48hrs I havent a clue what to do I contacted loads of local solicitors who wont see me without dishing out over £235 +Vat 1 solicitor does legal aid and I put my form in thursday - since then though the solicitrs been off ill I dont even know if I qualify I earn £487 per month as I work PT term time only school hrs The mortgage is £1600 a month and the rest of the bills come to almost another £1000 so christ knows how Im going to manage. Anyone out there got any ideas - Im still in the raw stage swinging from denial and hatred My daughter 7rs went for a scholarshp today for a private school which she stands a chance of getting but obviously even if she did get I cant afford to pay - My ex earns over £100k per yr drives a 911 and is a well Im sure you can all guess the expletives I would love to use - I just need to know some of my rights and also would like to know theres light at the end of the tunnel Im so Pd off its hard not to cry in front of dd Im not sleeping well I get on avge 3hrs a night at the mo which doesnt help. Please help in advice terms any way you can. ( I had absolutely no idea this was coming we had just had a holiday made a jt will and had our 11yr annivesary and I had even booked another hol for me and dd in the easter break with his blessing great timing eh)(sad)

Very sorry to hear youv'e had this dropped on you out of the blue takenforgranted. The first thing i would suggest is having a talk with your ex about maintenence. If he earns 100k you should be due a good amount, as i THINK the CSA calculates it as 20% of the absent parents earnings. Also you need to decide things like acess/custody arrangements for your daughter, Hopefully you could sort it all out without needing a solicitor if he will be reasonable. Thinking of you, very difficult situation.

no advice but i give great hugs xxx((( u)))

thanks I need some hugs Hes offered to pay most of the bills but not said for how long (tonight when he took dd out for a pizza) still leaves me mega short though on my wages I could probably afford to feed us and get petrol in my car to go to work to earn my food money - not my car insurance tax heat light the house watch tv or even have a shower! Im trying to be reasonable about access to my dd - but its very difficult as he never really gave a shit about her before spent any time with her but suddenly he has all the time in the world for her. I was an unpaid au pair/childminder for him I suppose apart from the facxt that he put a roof over my head.I used to earn good money pre dd but 7 yrs out of the owrkplace I dont stand a cat in hells chance of earning enough to keep us going and he isnt going to sacrifice his job lifestyle to look after dd - just get the best bits take her out and do fun things whilst Im the nag making her do homework cleaning etc etc hence the nickname I thought it was wholly approriate in my case. Sorry feeling very sorry for myself tonight

Hi there, i am also new to the single parent world, i also only work p/t and wondered how the hell i would cope, in quite a different situation regards to the mortgage/bills etc as it totals to approx £900 per month for myself, and xp pays half of mortgage and what i get from fam/working tax credit covers the rest, money is very tight but we're getting by up to yet (ds aged 2). Would you be in a situation to sell up and buy something smaller? Just keep strong and think posertive, you will feel better soon

The 'all the time in the world' is a guilt thing. He knows he's been a f**er, but wants your daughter to think he's a great guy, and he needs to feel it himself, more than that. I empathise with you. I felt like I had been unplugged from the matrix, when it happened to me. Suddenly my world was not the world I knew. It is disorientating. I do hope you will be okay. Keep this page bookmarked and talk as often as you need to.

Thanks - as for the house we live in Godalming moved here from london specifically because its safer and the schools are much better granted we live in one of the "poshest" areas and now I have my jnr place school I could feasibly move to somewhere cheaper - thing is this area is expensive no matter what - for a 2 bed house I need C.£300k - and with my wage I have no hope of getting a mortgage so Im well and trully donanld ducked. I dont see why my dd should suffer in terms of moving schools etc just because he decided hes not happy. Im not sleeping with the worry - getting on average 41/2 hrs a night yep I feel like the world is going on around me and Im in another place - just visiting the world at school drop off pick up and thereafter.Im just so devastated I cat believe men just cant bloody commit - I put up with a lot in our 11 yrs together in the stupid thought that hey hes the father of my dd and Ichose him as her father - if Id've known I wasnt going to grow old with him then I wouldnt have had dd. The worst of it is he wouldnt even give me a chance to know he wasnt happy I feel like a right muppet for letting him treat me this way and Im finding it very hard to be nice to him in front of dd which I know I have to do but honestly if he fell under a train on the way to work - I wouldnt exactly be gutted. Sorry its the way Im feeling after 4 hrs sleep

It is such a terrible thing to go through, I was a zombi for the first couple of weeks. Is there any savings or anything you can get access to, so you could at least have a meeting with a sol to see where you stand.

You may also have to be ready for in a couple of months or so him realising that the grass is not always greener, and just expecting to walk back into your life as if nothing has happenend, once he's had his fun,
Is anyone els involved?

keep strong

taken4granted visit the CAB and ask for advice, you can apply for Child Tax Credit and Council Tax Credit but your mortgage will be a struggle but you can either sell it and go your seperate ways or apply to stay in the house but will have to pay the mortgage unless your ex helps you out, you are also entitled to csa so you might want to start the ball rolling on that.

Try the CAB if you're getting nowhere with the sol.

You'll get 15% of his net salary if you apply to the CSA, less 1/7th for each overnight he has her. If you can come to an agreement between you (get it in writing) then do so, otherwise apply right away as your backpayments start from the date you apply. In addition you can apply for extras in financial situations where a child/family would have expected school fees etc to be paid, so you can ask the CSA to take that into account and make an assessment for those.

Also you have scope to apply under the childrens act for a financial settlement on behalf of your daughter, where if he has the means then you can go to court to get money towards things like a house if he can afford to provide one.

If you were married then there will obviously be the financial separation to sort out too. If you're working, even only getting a small salary then you may find you don't qualify for legal aid. But you will get the full amount of maintenace due from CSA calculation.

Presumably he completes a Tax Return, so they shouldn't have too much trouble calculating the figures and aleady have his SATR somehwre in the Revenue system.

Seeing her dad is important, perhaps now he has realised where his priorities should lie and he will start to build a meaningful relationship with her. Do everything you can to encourage it for your daughter's sake.

Gilly

Cheers for the above - no we arent married ( I was divorced before but thought Id made the right choice this time fool!) had a crappy day at work today - made only slightly easier in the fact that the Sol finally got back to me and I qualify for legal aid so meeting her thursday - just have to go to school now and ask a fellow mum a favour - I dont want to be trapsing DD to solcitor its not nice for her and shelll only let it slip to the ex. - Im dubious if my dd would get the scholarship as shes going to be assessed for special ed needs as well - her learning is a bit slow behind her peers although none acedemically shes allways been way ahead of her peers hence the art thing she draws like a teenager mostly anyway If she were to get the scholarship she has an interview to go through as well then I can allways use it as a bargaining tool guilt factor with ex. Decided also that Im not contacting him to ask him when he sees her - let him contact me - (he promised to send his dad details today and hasnt) - hopefully Ill give him enough rope and he can hang himself. as for his priorities they have always been and will be no doubt himself. But thanks for advice so far support is good too cheers everyone

i have to add that gingerbread have been fantastic to me when i split they were my saving grace and we get by now, they were much better than cab.