“I never feel lonely”

[BananaSlug]

Do other single mums feel lonely or is it just me? With all the events coming up I usually hate this time of year as I noticed in generally the only person on my own, everywhere I go there is couples, don’t know if it’s just my area. But when I speak to other single mums they claim to never feel lonely, is it just me? There’s a fireworks display coming up and I dread going as I know it will be full of families/ couples, I will force myself anyway but can’t deny that I feel lonely at these events, do other single mums just not admit to it? Or really don’t feel lonely 🤔

Yeah sometimes I do. When I go for days out where the kids go off playing and I'm just sat there on my own is when I feel lonely. At fireworks displays and busy days like that I don't because I'm with the kids and having a good time. I wouldn't really be spending all my time talking to my partner anyway.

I've built a new life for us since the break up. I've put more effort into friendships so I arrange days out with other people as well which helps as it means I'm not always on my own.

I went trick or treating with another (married) mum and her child. We dropped them off at their house and seeing her husband greet her with a kiss and dinner on the table did hurt a bit. I was widowed so there's grief wrapped up in it too though. I don't usually feel too lonely day to day but festivities are tough.

I used to feel like this but something changed one day when I took my children to the park for a picnic. We were sat there having such a lovely time together, laughing and being silly and I realised how happy I was. I looked around at the other nuclear families and to be honest most of them looked bored and miserable. I think many (obviously not all) families find it all hard work, bringing up children and keeping their relationship alive. I realise that I don't have that pressure being a single parent and that I can just be me and enjoy them, like we're a little team.

Just remember that when you look at other seemingly happy families they may not be .... we were a family going out to these events once and I wasn't happy at all.

I remember holding back hot tears at my first fireworks event after ex had left. He had left out of the blue the week before, DD was 5 and I was so unhappy. Seeing those happy families made me despair. Of course we also have to put on a brave face for our children whilst our hearts are breaking for what they have lost.

It doesn't hurt as much any more. Like PP I used to tell myself these happy families would have their own problems. I used to imagine them going home and having a big row - the husband watching football and not pulling his weight while she wrangled the overtired kids. It did help .

Now I like my freedom - on holiday it still hurts a bit. There was a nice family on holiday I chatted with this summer, they were celebrating their 16th wedding anniversary and seemed really happy. It did cause a pang and I felt sorry for myself for a while. It is what it is though, and if you look closely it's often inequitable, and I'm not sure I could go back to living like that now after I've tasted independence.

I didn't feel lonely when she was small. I think the evenings by myself when she went to sleep were needed as a bit of a break.

I do get a bit lonely now she's a teen. I'm not single any more but we don't live together and he's 100 miles away so can't just pop over. She very much has her own life and social circle and at the minute that doesn't really include me (unless we pre-arrange it and we're going shopping or out to lunch etc).

My mum always said "you have to let them go, so that they'll want to come back", and I think that's pretty accurate. It's easy to try and keep tighter hold of them as they get older and pull away from you, but it tends not to work out well.

@Sittingonthefence83 is also right, time with my daughter when she was little was much less stressful when I only had the two of us to cater to, rather than a useless grumpy husband making it hard work.

Thanks all, see I’m the opposite I don’t feel lonely in places like soft play etc as people don’t usually go to those places as a family it’s more events that I feel lonely like fire works display (this will be a small one in a community centre so not a large display where it’s more noticeable) or places like school plays where I’m on my own and everyone else is with their partner can’t help but feel extremely alone. I never realised how lonely raising kids alone would be.

Is it that you're definitely lonely as in you miss having someone to parent with or is it that you're not confident in being alone? Being comfortable and confident as a stand alone person can take a lot of effort and self reflection.

Single parent here. Can’t remember the last time I felt lonely. But that feeling has crept up on me. It takes time I think.

i used to really feel the loneliness when trying to arrange holidays. But I’ve now met people to go on holiday with and I actually enjoy being one to one with my DS now he’s a bit older and is better company.

I think you should also remind yourself that everyone has pangs for what ‘might have been’ when they see other couples. No one is happy in their marriage ALL the time. We all have regrets- if not about relationships then career, friendships etc.

I don't generally, I love being alone. I have more of a "what do people think" moment when we are doing things parents normally do together. Most recently - uni open days.

I've not mentioned this to the kids but at a recent one, we were having lunch and DD looked around and said "you'd think they don't even know each other, why is everyone arguing and miserable". Whereas we had had a lovely day. Sometimes it's not the best way.

Sometimes. Sometimes not. It ebbs and flows and that’s ok I think. I just sit with the feeling and normally it passes.

Only really if I'm ill, and I had a moment this week when I was raging jealous that people with partners/husbands/co-parenting get to do things like have nights out and go on courses, have full time jobs and so on. I haven't got anyone to help at all.
But I don't want a relationship- it's more that I wish the one I had hadn't turned out to be such rubbish!

I think it’s a bit of both but if I’m honest I was normally alone before having children (though I did have a few friends I lived alone and was single so spent most days alone) but I never actually felt lonely. I’ve felt far more lonely since having children but probably because before I avoided social situations and wouldn’t have went to events alone so now I’m more forced into these situations for the kids.

When I was a single parent , I often used to feel very lonely . I used to find events where everyone was in family groups very tough .

Yes I feel lonely. Not all the time. As others have said it's nice just to be silly with the kids and do what I (we) want when we want where we want without having to accommodate another adults preferences. And lots of times the dads just look plain bored. But for being a country with supposedly a high percentage of single parent families I don't see that myself - families are overwhelmingly the majority.

That’s just it. If there was more single parents around I guess I would feel less lonely and less like I stand out but where I live there is mainly families, when I go out to places I’m normally the only person on my own, even at the kids school most parents are still very much together.

@BananaSlug

Yup. My daughter's school in her class of 30 she is the only child from a divorced family. I often feel quite self conscious when we are out and about - like there is a sign over my head shouting single mum - it's only been little over a year and it's not like their dad did much family stuff with us anyway before but it just feels different in a way that's hard to describe. Isolating and lonely even when we are amongst lots of other people. The bit that gets me every time though is when I take a video or photo of the kids doing something cute or silly on days out and then remembering there is no one to send it to

Your feelings are very valid. Sounds like some sort of fomo maybe?

I don’t but I think it’s because I am not that fussed about being in a relationship with someone or meeting someone. I usually find some couples are loved up whilst sometimes we end up splitting and the women get together and the men get together during outings. I also don’t find many conversations interesting enough when I am in a circle with a bunch of couples (unless they are my very close friends) - it maybe because I tend to socialise with friends or go to interest related events.

Also I genuinely enjoy spending time with DD. From the age of 5 we’ve always had interesting convos (even if it is a deep discussion about the adventures of Ben and Holly 😅and why Pepper Pig is XYZ).

Now that DD is getting older and is in late teens and she wants to hang out with friends, yes it can get lonlier. I have found myself taking my time with the dating process too.

Don't forget things aren't always as they seem! Me and my ex do things like school open days together, and sometimes things like santa / fireworks. We probably look like a happy family when in fact we're divorced and he has a new girlfriend lol.