would it be mean of me to change access arrangements

[chocolatespiders]

I have been single for 3 years...

ex picks up dd one day a week from school.. and has her over night... he has her on the weekend maybe 3 times a year if he hasnt got anything on?.... (for one night)
anyway i am a bit sick of it to be honest as dd is very unsettled and naughty when she comes back from him, and this lasts maybe 4 days
ie she was with him last tuesday and only yesterday was she back to her normal self... but we only have till wednesday till she goes again.... then the hard work dd will be back again.... i just feel i could handle it better if she was going maybe every other week...
I would be happy to see if he had her just over for tea on the week she wasnt sleeping there - didnt effect her to much?

I know he wont want to change what we do at the moment as it suits him nocely he works 4 on 4 off and tells me the day he will have dd... and like i sadi very rarely the weekend and hasnt yet had her in school hols so childcare is left to me as i work everyday...

I really want to do what is right for dd.. but dont want to cause problems with me and him

thankyou for reading

why is your DD unsettled and naughty when she comes back? I think getting to the bottom of why your DD's behavior is different when she comes back from her dads first and then looking at the access arrangements would be a good idea. Is she unsettled becasue she doesn't like going there? or is it because she realy enjoys going and misses him when she comes back? or some other reason? (e.g does he live a long way away from her school so she has to get up early on access day, or does she stay up very late there or something?)

I always think its wise to keep arrangements as they are for young children. Its important for them to have a routine and for now your child knows that on Wednesdays (?) she goes to Daddy's house.

I think its a good idea to perhaps get to the bottom of why she changes to radically on her return from Dad's - is it that she perhaps gets away with different things at Dads? Is it that she is playing with naughty children whilst she's away, is it that she doesn't like going to dads?

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Katelyn

she loves her dad... but if she could have a choice she would rather be with me.. but is well looked after there and has a nice time once she is there....

the day she goes there changes every week. so it isnt a regular day each week.

I guess i am just peeved because he does his bit once a week from 3pm... for a few hours before she goes to bed.. then takes her back to school ... then for the next 4 days she wont listen to me, is rude, runs off, crys lots , very hard work , everything is a battle...and is just not herself... by the time she is back to the daughter i know it is time for her to go again...

He tells me she is very well behaved there whilst with him...

Then rather that put it to him that YOU'RE changing access, which will immediately put him off the idea i'm sure perhaps a letter to him? or a very calm telephone conversation wherby you're leaving it in his hands?

Suggest that weekdays aren't working well for your daughter anymore. Tell him what you just told us; she LOVES seeing him but during the week is becoming unsettling for her and she is becoming twice the work for you on her return. Is it possible that you could allow him more quality time at weekend to make up for time lost during the week? Say that you'd hate her to be a loser in all this and miss out on anytime with her Dad but you're struggling during the week following his contact. I'm sure if he has his daughters best interests at heart, he'll agree.

If he doesn't, leave it a while and broach the subject again?

Changing it to suit you because you find the behaviour difficult might not be what is best for your daughter.

Children are completely able to deal with two sets of rules and situations. They understand that school and home are different for example and some things you might allow at home aren't allowed at school, and vice versa. So as long as the 'rules' and expected behaviour is explained then she should be able to sort out that things at Daddy's home and Mummy's home are slightly different. If she is not then it is likely she has a similar issue at school, so check with her teacher.

As others have said try and work out what is causing the behaviour. She may just be confused or actully need to spend more time with dad rather than less for things to improve. If you can try and speak to her Dad about this calmly, if not able to speak then perhaps suggest you attend a councelling or mediation session to work out the best way forward foryour daughter and you all.

Also if he can't do a fixed weekend then why can't he do two overnights back to back rather than 1 overnight, whetehr it be midweek or weekend? And certainly speak to him about holidays, if you don't ask you don't get! If you explain that you have to work and simply don't have enough holiday time to look after her each and every holiday and would he consider having her, or perhaps his parents might like to see a bit more of her. My nephew used to come and stay with my parents for a week in the Summer hols as his mum worked, and they didn't see much of him otherwise as they lived a couple of hours drive away.

If he isn't willing to help then there are holiday clubs and childminders and you should get up to 80% of this cost paid for via CTC. I have to use them, much as i'd prefer not too.

Long and short of it is try and think about what is best for your daughter, even though it may be harder for you seeing her dad is probably quite important in reality. And i would say that more often would possibly help improve things.

Best wihes
Gilly

thanks for that some very useful stuff....

I would prefer to have dd at the weekends.. but he wont well he does maybe 3 times a year...

It works out better for him to see dd after school.. but as you say he needs to know what is happening and do things for dd benefit... but on the other hand i dont really want him to know what hard work dd is for me... but i have got to the point where it is really affecting me. i have to go to work everyday.. but the stress of dd is really getting me down, i dread her going as i know what will happen when she returns...

think a letter will be a start, i will get my friend to help construct it

that meant to say i would prefer him to have dd at weekends ratehr than a week night...

thanks W M - like i said over night every other week then the weeks in between after school for tea... maybe this would be better for my dd..

thanks for the ray of hope that is may get better

dd is 4 and has been going since she was 2

I would try a letter, its a start and you can only suggest what you think is right for your daughter. You cannot simply say 'I dont think its right and therefore I'M changing access' - you're daughter will lose out.

Simply put your suggestions onto paper in a way that he does not lose out. Ultimately, you should want your daughter to have as much contact with her father as possible so just suggest that - you can only try. If he refuses, don't argue your point - simply back off and try again in a few months?

Good luck and let us know how you get on.