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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is my baby dad and his family trying to control me? Advice

23 replies

Babygirlmum · 30/10/2023 08:57

I feel like my ex and his family are taking advantage of my vulnerability, are they trying to control me knowing I am vulnerable at this time, I lost my mum three weeks ago and my dad 14 weeks ago, so to say the least I am in a vulnerable way and heart broken, my ex and his family have been having my daughter quite abit, at first they was being supportive, well so I thought, lately they have turned on me, my exes mum has text me wanting her over Halloween I have said no I would like her back for Halloween as it's her second Halloween, and I would like to do stuff for her, they have had her for 5 days, my exes mum has gotten all nasty with me and said if you want her back then you will have to come and get her yourself, bare in mind it's nearly a two hour journey, she knows I don't have a car at the moment, my ex drives and so does his parents, let me state it's never been a problem for them, my ex has lowered my child maintenance by quite abit, they are taken me to court from previously, as he left me when I was pregnant, so the beginning was a rocky road, however he sees her now more than ever now, his mum is very controlling in his life, he listens to everything she says, she has been very nasty with me in the past also, however we started to get along, now she is being nasty with me, the messages have changed, they are talking about me in a negative way, they are speaking about my financial situation, and saying he shouldn't be paying me child maintenance, I honestly feel like they are ganging up on me because they know I don't have anyone anymore, I have lost both parents and it's like his family are trying to abuse my vulnerability, u honestly feel so low, I feel like there is no escaping them anymore and they are just going to continue to ruin my life in anyway they can.

OP posts:

Ibravedaflood · 30/10/2023 09:01

Go get your dc by whatever means necessary. Back to a generic contact arrangement before court gives him full custody. He will be keeping record of how much he has had dc and that you obviously can't cope.... His version obviously.. Bag a lift, get a train, if you are near Hartlepool I will take you myself... Men like him make me sick.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/10/2023 09:07

Go and get her and stop allowing them to have her for long periods. Agree set times and ensure she's with you most of the time. Be careful.

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 09:07

Go and get her. Find a way. Don't let them have her for long periods they may be using this as a way of reducing his payments to you.

Get a formal.custody arrangement in place. Your arrangement is with the dad not his parents. Whatever he chooses to do with his time eg. Take them to their grandparents is up to him.

TicTacNicNak · 30/10/2023 09:07

Take back control OP. Reduce their contact, especially while you're without a car. Go through CMS to ensure you're getting the maximum maintenance you're entitled to. I agree with pp to get there by hook or crook and get your DD back today.

Im so very sorry for your losses. This must be a very difficult time for you.

SD1978 · 30/10/2023 09:07

I would be on whatever public transport I had to. They don't want to return her, and potentially gearing up to not returning her at all. Go get your daughter and have a proper agreement regarding time spent with each parent before your current situation bites you in the arse

Princessbananahamock · 30/10/2023 09:09

Keep her messages! What a bitch!
Do as ibraveflood says get her now. And also get a claim into the CMS. I understand why he is an ex.

Quitelikeit · 30/10/2023 09:10

Go and get your child back

Claim maintenance through the proper channels as theoretically speaking if he’s having your child more nights than originally was agreed then his maintenance payments will be lower

Agree a regular contact schedule and stick to it

PrintedButterflies · 30/10/2023 09:11

I think I remember some of your threads and you need to be careful here, you said he was abusive and taking you to court over your child.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 30/10/2023 18:43

Update I went and got my baby girl and I am so glad I did, I asked my ex would he drive abit further out and he said no so I went all the way.

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright2 · 31/10/2023 16:06

Well glad you have her back . Do you have a court order.. stick to it to the letter .

This is not support… you are seeing it for what it is ..

I would limit any conversations with dad’s parents .

so sorry for what you are going through .. do you have local help nearby ?

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 01/11/2023 10:45

@Starlightstarbright2 Thankyou, his mum is so interfering she's the bulk of all this, she will take it upon her self and message me, as I don't feel like I can't speak to my ex he is mentally abusive without knowing it, she is just as nasty in her own way, if I say something that doesn't suit her, I will see the message change and the attitude in the message change straight away. I don't have a court order set out yet, however I don't feel ready to stand up in court, I have just lost both parents I am really battling each day, and this is what they want to put me through.

OP posts:

Princessbananahamock · 01/11/2023 12:39

If they take u to court make sure you keep all the messages. Evidence! of abuse/harassment/intimidation threats screen shot and send to a email folder but make sure their phone numbers are shown as well photos are date stamped. However don’t tell them!

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 01/11/2023 13:17

@Princessbananahamock Thankyou, I think we are due to go to court in 2 weeks or so, I don't know nothing about this it's what he has told me, I have bad to plan my mums funeral, I've had alot going on, the least place I want to go is court, they do it in sly ways, make it look Kline they are being, they are trying to control me and what I do with my daughter.

OP posts:

Princessbananahamock · 01/11/2023 14:11

You would have been informed by the court of this date, if I remember from my own experience caffcass contact you prior. Then there is a first hearing. You need to be calm and give the facts to caffcass and the messages you have been sent. H op e you kept the messages when they refused to return the child home to her primary residence. Also they insisted you collect. Also I believe don’t quote me on this but the court must be in child’s home town.
good luck

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 14:14

I'm so glad you got your daughter back.

I'm very sorry indeed that both your parents have died so recently. You must be feeling very alone.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 01/11/2023 14:16

@Princessbananahamock when I spoke to caffcass it was a while back, a lot has happened since, I didn't say anything negative towards him and he didn't about me, I just wish I didn't have to deal with this, not when he has had regular contact with DD, probably more than the court would agree to, it's the fact he and his family have just turned on me for no reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 01/11/2023 14:20

@TheShellBeach Thankyou, I am very much so

OP posts:

Princessbananahamock · 01/11/2023 14:25

I think u may speak to them (caffcass) again prior to the next date at court maybe on the day or a mediation meeting with them. Present them with those messages.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 01/11/2023 14:30

@Princessbananahamock how will this help my case? would this interfere with contact for him or? There is a lot of stuff I could tell them and present, however I didn't want to pull a load of worms out the bag, as I thought things was going well but he has been bad in the past and him and his family are nasty.

OP posts:

Princessbananahamock · 02/11/2023 08:22

i would ask for it to be noted and suggest that such messages are not conducive to a harmonious co-parenting arrangement. I’m assuming you have an interim child arrangement order? I feel if this were presented (messages from GP and ex) it wouldn’t show them in a good light. The point of court is to do what is in the best interests of the child. You are not being obstructive in him seeing his daughter. However, the behaviour of late would think I’m putting the messages in as evidence, and due to the latest crap everything else. I would also be insisting on having the “Resides with “ bit on the order also that communication is between parents only using a dedicated email address that you can set up.
With the resides bit if child not returned and kept away from you and naughty messages from them. Well you would be within your rights to call police. In turn showing that the other party can be conflicting parties to a child arrangement order.
The grandmother sounds hideous, just think a few years down the line her nasty toxic venom going in your daughters ears. This contact is nothing to do with her, I know you want contact to be amicable. I feel she wants her son to have child and for you to have minimal involvement.
I would make sure I had residence in black and white on an order. They have to all intensive purposes been bullying you possibly I may say cohesively.
You mentioned may it affect his contact well that’s for the caffcass to point out and advise the court. You have to think to yourself to you want this shit show from them for the foreseeable til dd is grown.
They were being nice prior because of this court date but the mask slipped! When someone shows you who they truly are believe it!

nibblessquibbles · 02/11/2023 08:28

OP with all that has happened I am sure you're all over the place. If you can get a friend to mind your DC for an hour, you need to dig out all the paperwork and check it all carefully. Please check you don't miss any important things if you've received court date notices etc.
I'd also get back on touch with Cafcas as suggested and just tell them you want to facilitate your DC seeing her dad but you are also not happy about being treated badly and abusive messages. They can suggest supervised contact or other ways to do handovers that minimise impact on you.
You've had a lot happen and lost your DP , make sure you get what you need out of this process

pacificoceanwhale · 02/11/2023 08:41

I am so very sorry for your losses OP. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you right now.

However I will echo what previous posters have said - dig deep and take back control ASAP.

Have you sought legal advice?

Get a set schedule in place.

Keep contact short and concise - Do not divulge too much or over share with them if you feel they are taking advantage of you/your vulnerability. They will pounce at any opportunity.

Stay strong and stand your ground at all times.

I hope you've got other support and good people around you

pacificoceanwhale · 02/11/2023 08:43

Oh and document absolutely everything - messages and examples of times that they have been difficult

What an absolute witch. Having recently lost a parent myself, I am actually livid here for you!!

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