Struggling on what to say to my kids when their dad makes no effort.

[Lafoosa]

I left my ex in November last year, but it took me until March to be able to move out.
Since then he has been super flakey about seeing them. I offered him 50/50 and he said no because of work because he couldn't be bothered to find other childcare that's not me.
He saw them maybe once a fortnight not even overnight most of the time, sometimes only for a few hours. That lasted until July when he briefly moved in with my sister (would need a totally different thread for this messed up situation). He then saw them even less, then he decided to move in with his dad, 3 hours away from here. (he doesn't drive). There's 3 other adults in that house because all of his siblings are bums who can't be bothered to work.
I said, okay well I'm not doing a 6 hour round trip just so you can see then for an hour or two, it needs to be a full week. His dad would be more than happy to help with childcare. Not seeing the kids enough is something he's complained about for years. I suggested his dad have them while he's at work. He said no, he'll only see them on his days off, which aren't consecutive. Then he said not every day off because he was wants to be able to go and get wasted.
He then acts like I'm unreasonable for being unwilling to make a 6 hour round trip for him to not even have a full day with them.
He's seen them once in the last 4 months. Maybe calls them once a month and never asks about them, didn't even get them birthday presents.

They're often upset because they want to see him, or call him and don't understand why they used to see him everyday and now they never see him. My eldest is 5 with autism and comprehension issues and language delays. She doesn't always understand what I say and I don't know what to say when she asks for her daddy. I've just been saying "I know, and that's okay. It's really hard and it's okay to be sad". But that doesn't help her understand the situation. Is she old enough for me to tell her the truth or do you think me saying the truth will do more harm than good? My other kids are almost 4 and 18m
My youngest doesn't care and doesn't really know her dad anyway. But my middle gets very upset too.

Oh OP that sounds like such a tough situation, in case you don’t realise, you’re doing amazing 🫶🏻

I think what you’ve said to your eldest is probably the exact right thing to say. I know it doesn’t help her understand it, but at the same time I think the less said the better. I grew up in a similar environment and my mum never told us the details about my dad until I was much, much older (like 16). I always respected her so much for that because I think, she could have dragged his name through the mud and she never did. Kids realise it on their own once they get to a certain age. But at the same time if you want to tell her a bit more you could say something like daddy’s lives there now and we won’t be able to see him as much. If they ask why he moved or why he can’t come to see them I would keep it very blunt then.

He then acts like I'm unreasonable for being unwilling to make a 6 hour round trip for him to not even have a full day with them.
He's seen them once in the last 4 months. Maybe calls them once a month and never asks about them, didn't even get them birthday presents

Ugh what a cunt, what a failure. He’s a joke.

Don’t lie to them.

Take the high road. Don’t slag him off. Let them work it out.

I wouldn’t lie to your kids but also I wouldn’t make excuses for him or give false reassurances. In your shoes I would explain that daddy lives quite far away these days which is part of the problem, and if they are still asking why he doesn’t make the effort to travel to see them or why he moved so far away I think it’s ok to say “I’m honestly not sure why that is, I find it hard to understand too, you could ask daddy next time you talk to him”. Let him answer his own awkward questions and leave it to them to figure out their own relationship. If they literally never get to see him to ask their questions then I think it’s ok to let them know what you know in a nonjudgmental neutral manner “I asked daddy if he’d like you to go and stay with him sometimes and he said he is too busy at the minute” etc. They’re quite little still so I think the least said the better and just some general reassurance about her feelings like you’ve been doing is fine, unless they are pressing harder for answers.

I think it's a good idea to leave him to answer them himself next time.. but till then, without lying, I'd spare their feelings as much as possible saying although daddy loves them, the distance makes it difficult.

I had the same problem with my waste of space ex when my kids were little. He was having an affair and told dd 5 he "loved another mummy". It's such a delicate age and you want to minimise any emotional damage.

Mine have the measure of him now and fortunately have an incredible step dad to compare him to.

I think I would just tell them he's moved a long way away and doesn't have a car.
It's factual and neutral.
It's really hard and sad and you don't know why he isn't trying to see them more.

@Ibizafun
Whenever he calls them it's only for about 10 minutes and my eldest almost always spends that whole time crying.
They've never directly asked me why they don't see their dad, they just often when they're upset say they want him.
And it's clearly affecting them quite badly because my middle (4 in December) has been dry in the day since 22 months and dry at night for a year and she's started wetting the bed again and having accidents in the day ever since he last saw them.

My eldest has a speech and delay and comprehension issues. She definitely wouldn't know how to ask why he doesn't see them, she's not quite there yet with being able to ask questions like that. No doubt she probably does wonder that though, she just doesn't know how to verbalise it.
And at the same time I feel like if I'm too direct with asking about how they're feeling about it I'm sort of just telling her what to say. We'll have chats about how she's feeling and she'll tell me if she's happy or sad, but usually when I ask what's making her feel that way she'll say something that's just happened. It would be so helpful if there was a children's book that explained it well.