dd prob could do with some counselling now, plus after this weekend, and her father's comments I think i am making the right choice?

[piratecat]

As someof you know dd5, me and ex dh split 3 yrs back. He walked rather, and has been crap ever since.

Dd has refused to see him since before xmas. I have given up trying tbh, as many of youfinally got thru to me by saying, it is up to him, you have done all u can.

Anyhow, dd has been wettingherself during the day now for 5 weeks, gp says its behavioural, and prob due to this lack of control she has about her dad. ie It doesn't matter what she has said or what I have said, he just won't give her time alone with him, to build the relationship.

TBh i think she is nervous of him now after this time. So I am goingto take dd hopefully to some sort of counselling, to get her, and me back on track, and in the right direction.

I feel i have come to the end of knowing how to dealwith this. Thsi seems like a new phase, prompted by this incontinece prob iyswim.

Anyhow, ex rang, on frid, dd again didn't want to speak to him. He then tells me there will be no money for a while ( he only just started paying up 4 weeks ago) as he has some injury and can't work. I just said 'oh great', and he started to whinge about how it wasn't nice for him, and how did I imagine he felt at being off work bla bla.

i just snapped and said 'well how do you think dd feels, prob having to go to counselling to get soem of this rubbish off her chest, and having to deal with peeing herself....'

God how dare he try and get me to feel sorry for him.

He then proceeded to ring back last night saying, how darei drop that on him out of the blue. Well I 'dare' because he just riled me, by talking about hinmself. I said, 'look I have nothing to discuss with you about this, you havent listened for 3 yrs, you havent been a proper father to her'. To which he replied 'yes I have!!' pmsl.

I said I am doing this on my own, I am sorting out her problems, you have never even asked after her or cared, so just leave us alone. He then said, 'well just remember its her who hasn't wanted to see me the past few months'

na na na na na (how childish)

god sake.

I mean,

You both see this as very different sides of the same coin. If he isn't given information then how can you expect him to know or deal with it? A once a fortnight dad who hasn't seen his child for several weeks at her request and doesn't get any information as to why and what is happening is really not going to have a clue about the emotional impact it is all having.

I think dd going for councelling is a very good idea from what you say. But i also think you and your ex should go to some form of counselling or mediation. Both together and at some of the sessions with your dd once she is ready to talk to you both about her feelings and what is going on inside her head.

Don't speak to you ex right now, you are very angry and upset and no doubt he is too. It probably upsets him that she hasn't wanted to see him and he doesn't know what to do himself about that. It is also quite hurtful to be thrown information in the heat of an arguement which is actually very important and of which he should have been aware of and informed of imo. It is also clearly hurtful to you that he appears to care so little for your daughter and hasn't pressed things with seeing her. I don't know the history you refer to in your email, but you say you have been having issues surrounding your ex and his relationship with dd for a long time now. It's clearly taking it's toll on you all.

You all need help to get through this and most importantly for the sake of your daughter's welfare.

Write him a letter, keep it brief and to the point. Say that for a number of reasons you have arranged for dd to see a councellor. That you think it would be beneficial for her if you and he were able to attend some of the sessions with her but also seperately so that you as her parents could discuss the issues and look for ways that you can both help dd.

Ask him to respond in 2 weeks if he is happy to attend and you will speak to dd's councellor to arrange and advise him of times and dates.

Find a councellor for your daughter as soon as possible. Speak to your GP or school, they schould be able to help you.

I'm sorry that you feel like you are going through all this on your own with little support or help from your ex. It obviously a very difficult situation for you all. Try and step back from how you feel and what you think your ex should be doing and concentrate on what is best for your daughter. If informing her dad and discussing things with him will help resolve the issues one way or the other then surely it's worth trying? If he is unwilling to come to the councelling sessions or discuss things for the sake of his daughter then i think you are right that you will have to handle this as best you can on your own. But you have to give him the oportunity.

Keep strong, and phone your GP in the morning.
Big hugs
Gilly

hi Gilly, have been there done that re him taking interest or active part in her welbeing.

I do understand where yuoare comiong from,that my anger is infringing on how I now deal with him being informed etc...

Yet I have been informing him for 2 and a hlaf yrs, and he does not care. He rang me, wanted the sympathy, didn't get it, when I told him a few homes truths.

He is not allowed to spend any time with dd alone. Its his house or nothing. Ihave asked repeatedly that he see her, and build up slowly, but on two occasionsa when he has come on 'his' weekend he oneone occasion brought his gf's dd, and the next he said he had to go after half an hour, as his gf was waiting in the car for him, and he 'had things to do'

He has been very happy to not be informed of anything, as this means he doesnt have to deal with it. He never asks how she is.

His reaction when she broke downon the doorstep in october as she did not want to go to his house, was to shrug his shoulders, and say'oh, well, this is what its like, this is how upset she was last time she was at mine' then he didn't even say anything to her and walked off.

He doesn't hold her hand, encourage her, speak sweetly to her, onthe ocasions he has taken her to his, she has to trail off behind him.

He signed a card to her on her last brithday from 'hi first name', and has subsequently done this again!!!

dd is stuck, I know this, but is also very angry with him. He has ignored a heartfelf message she left him, Ihave written onnumerous occasions, and explained how this is affecting her, and please do something before she is emotionally damamged.

All ignored. Ihave been telephoned by his gf, saying that if I continue to pressure him into what I think is best contact wise, he wil have no choice but to stop seeing her altogether. it all woe is him.

thats about the crux of it, and now that I havent bothered tellinghim anything about her the last few months, and he hasn't even asked, it has all come to a full stop.

he is a complete baby.

Ihave heard so much rubbish, so many pathetic excuses. he has told me his gf doesn come b4 dd, actualy told me that, and that I should accept this. When i said at xmas, 'dd misses you, she wants to feel loved, please spend time with her, and 'keep it up' he said, he had to treat everyone equally (meaning his gf and her two children)? I said how can it be any where near equal, this sitch? The fact you drop dd, and do other things over doing things with her??

that his gf 'does' come before dd.

Gillybean is right - let the red mist pass and try to take a cooler look at this

• get dd some counselling, her school should be able to help
• you cannot make the relationship between dd and xdh work. Frankly, neither of them want to spend time together right now. It looks like it breaks your heart to see her rejected like this and you are furious with him for not caring, but you need to face facts - maybe right now it is best if they don't see each other at all.

Assume she isn't going to see him and work out a new plan. Get counselling for her on the basis that she doesn't see her dad any more. Work out a scheme for communicating with him so he still gets to fulfil his responsibilities (keep him informed about major health issues, schooling decisions, money and so forth). But don't expect him to see her or for her to go to him.

It may all change in a few years when they have both grown up a bit. But right now you are trying to force two people who don't get on to be buddies. It will just make things worse.

Have a nice rant here, be cool there. Good luck!

Hi Pirate. Sorry to hear that it is affecting your dd in this way. I think counselling is a good idea if it is done in the right way. Hopefully it will help your dd feel better about everything (him not bothering with her).

I know you don't need advice. It is easy to give advice but so hard to watch your child being hurt by his/her father. It is an impossible situation for the parent with residence. If you protect your child from further hurt by stopping irregular, rubbish contact, you are criticised.

If you try to pursue the matter with her father, it is humiliating and frustrating, and people think you are deluded because you haven't accepted that it isn't going to happen. Or you get accused of interfering, of using the situation to pursue your own agenda of harrassing the father to get him back for leaving you.

If you do nothing and just let the thing play out, you feel you are not doing your best for your child, that time is passing and opportunities are being missed. Why does it all have to be so difficult? What would it cost him to behave reasonably and take an interest in his child? If you try again to facilitate matters, will things be different this time? Hope springs eternal.

In the end, we all seem to come to the conclusion (because it's not as if we have much choice) that it is best to just let it go and wait for such time as your child or their father take the initiative, independently (i.e. when your child is older and already damaged by it, when there is less hope of them ever bonding). To not talk about it with your child in the fear that talking about it is what does the damage. To not pursue it with the father because it could be your involvement that is muddying the waters, preventing progress (because he is immature and contrary and egotistical). I think these absent parents are just lazy and scared and weak.

It is best to let it go but so difficult to watch your child being slowly and subtly damaged in the interim. Classic case of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

such wonderful advice, thanks, well understanding iyswim. It helps to put it down, even if its the same old rubbish, becuase if i don't let it out I fear I'll lose the plot soemtimes.

Dd continues wetting herself, 3 times today. Am back to gp as soon as I can see her.

He will regret it. I promise you. They all come to realise it in the end, and it lies in their hearts like a millstone. But Too late.

Hi Pirate, he's an eejit isn't he.. it will be him that loses out in the long run.

Rest assured that you are doing the best for her.

Men eh!