How to have a relationship when you have DC full-time

[crushedlemon]

I am a widow of 3.5 years and have been in a relationship with someone I really like, for 8 months now. It's exclusive, we get on very well and can see a future. We are taking things slowly due to both our histories - he is divorced, and has 3 DC -ages 10, 12 and 14 - and I am widowed with 2 DC, ages 10 and 14. He shares times equally with his ex. My DC know him, know we're dating, and like him, but obviously, they are my priority, and I think it will be a long time before he for eg. stays over (we still live in the same house when my late DH was alive etc).

Equally, in the meantime, it's really difficult to have a "normal" relationship, because most single parent friends (I know not all) have time when their kids are with their ex. But I'm literally with them all the time - they do see friends, but the younger one doesn't spend all that much time at friends (they're all usually here...) and it's usually quite spontaneous - and they might have a sleepover once in a blue moon, but rarely at the same time...and I have very little family support, so they might go and stay at my brothers once every 6 months...but that's it.

I can't see it changing for a while, although I can leave them together for a few hours during the day or evening, it never feels that that my DP and I can do anything proper, like go out for the day, or spend the night together, or even an evening at our homes...I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if there was anything I hadn't thought of, or a different way of looking at it. Thanks.

Answer is I don’t. I’ve been single for 7 years my ex doesn’t see the kids so I’ve not been able to date or meet anyone.

People have suggested babysitters to me but personally I wouldn’t leave my kids with random babysitters but if that’s something you would consider you could look into hiring someone.

I'm widowed too, I've not dated yet but I plan to. My dd is only 4 so I'll wait a bit longer. I don't think there's an easy answer. It's a case of taking things very slow and also possibly introducing the kids a bit earlier than I would have done as a parent who wasn't with the kids 100% of the time. People say "just don't date" but I don't want to be alone for the next decade+, I'd be nearly 60 by the time my dd is an adult so I will be trying to find a way.

Just to add - in my mind my dd and I will come very much as a package and I suppose I'll be looking for someone willing to take on a more active fatherly role than a typical stepfather might. I know that's a big ask but I've seen it work for others and I know it's possible. So I suppose I'd expect us to spend a lot of time together as a family.

Aren't they old enough to have him stay over? And old enough to be left on their own for an evening?
My late husband's kids were 11 and 13 when we met and he insisted from the beginning that we were going to be up front about our relationship, so I didn't stop staying over when they were there, though I was careful to give them time together on their own. He also took them on holiday the first couple years without me. But otherwise he said we are a couple and they had to accept it. We married and they both lived in with us full time so I guess they did!

@mondaytosunday yes, they are old enough for me to leave them for few hours in the evening, you're right. I guess I'm thinking of those longer times to spend together, maybe I'm jumping the gun, and thinking i'm 21 again. Staying over is bit more tricky because we still live in the same house my late DH was in, with limited rooms, and I don't know if it would be really weird/ unsettling for the DC to see someone else sleeping in their dad's bed.
@ScarboroughHair yes, you're right too, spending time as a family, as time goes on, makes sense. Again, I think I think I'm trying to recreate a younger person's relationship. It's about a shift in attitude as much as anything I think?

Not widowed but I knew I would never want anyone in the former marital bedroom . So completely redecorated it . Maybe do the same ?
Also it has been 3.5 years so it is not as if you are replacing their Dad in an inappropriate time range. You have one teenager that must be aware of adult relationships .

Perhaps go out to dinner alone but come back early enough to spend time , watchingTV and then casually go to bed ?