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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

sex with the ex

24 replies

pippypoppypanda · 08/03/2008 16:48

hey everyone, not sure if my problem is one im going to like the answer to but me and the father of my son were separated before I knew I was pregnant, and since then have gone through bitter arguments and even court to arrange access etc. My son is now 15 months old and since xmas my ex partner and I have managed to sort out our differences to the point where we're now back in a sexual relationship. The problem is that I just feel paranoid all the time, we both agreed it was only casual but im starting to feel more for him. He says its never going to be serious but I've tried to explain how it can never be just sex when we have a child. Any advice? x

OP posts:

Blandmum · 08/03/2008 17:18

I don't have any personal experience of this, but I think that you are laying yourself open to all sorts of hurt.

I think that it is fantastic that you have resolved lots of problmes, I'm sure this will make things much better for your son, and life easier for you in the long run.

But the two of you have split up. He is making it clear that he doesn't want anything other than casual sex, and you seem to want more. Granted he will always be the father of your son, so in that that respect you are right his realationship with your son is never going to be casual.

But his relationship with you is something else. And while you will always be the mother of his child, he says he doesn't want anything other than a casual sexual relationshop with him.

If this is the case, and you want more from him, you will end up hurt all over again

allgonebellyup · 08/03/2008 17:26

dont do it!!

Kimi · 08/03/2008 17:31

My advice would be .....take one hand off of the keyboard and slap yourself silly with it till you see scents ...... bad bad bad idea

shelleylou · 08/03/2008 17:57

It is a really bad idea,it will turn to all sorts of problems and arguements. You would be better off leaving that situation now and just being the mother of his child and getting on for each other for your ds's sake

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/03/2008 18:14

Think I should maybe add that when he comes over we don't just have sex we spend time together as a family and we go places as a family.he has also text albeit when he's drunk saying that he wants us to be togther and we speak everyday about things that are nothing to do with our son. Its just so confusing

OP posts:

Blandmum · 08/03/2008 18:26

But he has left you and when sober tells you that he only wants a casual relationship.

If that is what you wantm then fine, if not you are heading for a lot of upset

You want more, he doesn't = trouble for you

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/03/2008 18:31

He didnt actually leave me we were never a couple for long but we're good friends. Ive said to him that i think we should just forget everything and start again. but now i just feel lonely

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 08/03/2008 18:52

i feel lonely too and long for my ex back. But it aint ever going to happen.
i have to accept that.
and maybe you do too??

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/03/2008 19:53

thing is that i already have and i dont know how to reverse it

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 09/03/2008 12:59

hi just saw this post. been in v similar situation. this obviously has to stop. i dont know the guy...maybe he does like you? maybe he doesn't like you a lot. but you cant trudge on in no-man's land. what will happen if one day after the three of ye have spent time together that you go to kiss him and he says he has a gf? cos one day a woman will come along and not accept the lack of commitment and snap him up. so you must cut all sexual ties and relationship-type behaviour. either he moves on without fuss-which will be upsetting but you'll know it wasn't meant to be. or he'll begin to really miss you after a few months and you can give him an all or nothing choice. its the only way ppp.

charliecat · 09/03/2008 13:20

I sleep with my x occasionally and it is just sex to me.
He trys to hang all sorts of things onto it but its nothing but a means to an end.
If you are starting to care for him and he says he doesnt want it you need to stop
Its not going to go where you want and you will get hurt.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 09/03/2008 15:42

I'm not sure if I'm just confused over my feelings for him, its possible that i just feel lonely and its been a long time since ive been with anyone. another thing that i should mention is that he's only 20 and im 27 so i know he's nowhere near ready to settle down

OP posts:

Tinkerbel6 · 10/03/2008 10:55

pippy he is having his cake and eating it, you meanwhile put your life on hold not meeting anyone else in the hope that he changes his mind and decides to want to play happy families, how can something be casual if you have a child together, he is a user and telling you what you want to hear, move on

lottymadbird · 10/03/2008 11:11

um... slightly different perspective here.

So, you get on well, have good sex, he is prepared to do things as a family but says it'll never be serious. Yet texts you when he's drunk saying the opposite?

Are you sure he's just not scared of committing? Maybe he feels more than he lets on or is worried about getting hurt too. Can you talk to him about it?

littlewoman · 10/03/2008 13:28

So he's willing to shag you but not look after your dcs? tell him to f right off. What a bloody (insert more swear words here) cheek. He is seriously taking the piss and you are letting him. Sorry to be so harsh.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 10/03/2008 19:35

Sorry Littlewoman he has regular contact with our son and would do anything for either of us.
Thanks for the different perspective lotty. He's actually said that he is scared of what his family would say if they found out after all the crap we've been through the past year. We never even spoke until september (DS was born in previous December) and my mum handed him over for contact. I can see where he's coming from because my family would be the same. On the other hand it was between us not them but its all so complicated now it would never be easy. So maybe casual is all we can be for the time being. I don't know

OP posts:

littlewoman · 12/03/2008 00:28

You are hoping we will say it will work out, arent you? It would be wonderful if it did, I sincerely mean that.

stuffitllama · 12/03/2008 00:32

If sex from you is available at any time without a commitment he will accept it without commitment. Stop the sex and tell him why. It will make him think. More commitment may follow. If not, you are free to find someone who will make more of a commitment to you. Wishing you luck. I hope it happens the way you hope it happens!

OverMyDeadBody · 12/03/2008 00:35

Tbh form what you've said I think you need to cut all sexual ties or you are very likely to get hurt. He's having his cake and eating it, you're both playing happy families when together, but he's already said he doesn't want a serious relationship with you, so it's going to end at some point, it might as well end before you get more attached and things get messy.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 12/03/2008 08:24

Well, no I'm not naive enough to expect it to be a lovely happy ending LW, I came on here for support and advice not to be told what I want to hear. I'm not stupid

OP posts:

littlewoman · 13/03/2008 13:33

That was snippy.

littlewoman · 13/03/2008 14:29

I apologise. That was a knee jerk reaction. I really do hope you find some resolve with your situation PPP.

forestfern · 27/03/2008 21:30

How is it going? it really depends what happened before between you. You are both young and I do think that sometimes havng a child with somebody can alter your sexual interactions forever in a positive way. And your interactions overall. There is a new love that grows between you and the child that should not be just ignored because of the past and worries about what relatives think. You need to really think about what happened, work out why and so on. If he is serious about going forward he will be happy to go to Relate. You can get this free through your doctor. Any relationship that you have in the future with somebody else will never be quite the same as this one now that you have the child. Think very carefully about what you really want - both of you. It maybe that you now all three want a family. It is not unusual for men to feel nothing about the child during pregnancy or even the first year. But - if this changes then it may just be something that changes for the better forever. He must really want you too though and not now be clouded by the love for the child - you neither.

Good Luck. Think carefully and remember - you are both still young and it was a big committment for both of you at the beginning. Do not let ghosts of problems haunt and control you if you can see a real possibility for a future for you all. A really real one. It is definately up to the three of you to sort out despite how much you might feel that you have involved others. They should understand that.

madmuggle · 30/03/2008 20:21

I have sex with my ex regularly. For me it saves the hassle of having to get involved with another man. I can't be bothered with it. We satisfy each others needs and keep apart the rest of the time. Easy.

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