What is your view on this?

[tammyBEARinggifts]

Exp has started trying to pressurise me into allowing him to have dd at his. He lives about 3hrs drive away, and he doesnt know I have a car as he keeps saying that he would even buy me one just so I could drive up there so they can see dd. He use to pressurise me into allowing dd to go there during the summer but then stopped when I had a go at him about it, because I dont think its fair him keep going on and on about it. I can understand him wanting to show dd off to his family and friends, but he doesnt seem to consider how I feel about this.

I am not comfortable with dd being there, I hate it enough when him and his parents come. Last February, dd did go for a couple of nights, although against my feelings about it, and she came back ill, and she had never been ill before. The other day when he was here for dd's birthday, he couldnt even change her nappy! dd is very happy when she sees him, but she's happy with anyone. She reacted the same way that shes does with exp when the plumber came in, shes a little show off and gets all excited when there are new people around to show her toys and books to (took the plumber forever to sort the washing machine out! )

I think that the fairest decision is to wait til dd can decide for herself that she wants to stay with daddy. I would feel better knowing it was her decision rather than me leaving her there with exp and his family and dd getting upset because Ive gone. (shes very clingy at the moment) Plus exp doesnt know her well enough IMO to be able to look after her. When him and his parents come, dd is good as gold as she sits there playing with them and whatever, but its not always like that is it? Exp isnt responsible and doesnt have a lot of common sense about him, or his family for that matter. At the moment she doesnt realise that he is suppose to be playing a vital role in her life. As in she doesnt realise that exp is her daddy and is as "important" as I am in her life.

I am actually starting to wish exp lived nearer so that it would be a lot easier on everyone. He could see dd more often, and get to know her better, then he could have her wherever he was. And I cant believe I actually wish he was nearer!! Ill leave it as that, as Ill start ranting in a minute, but I just wanted to see what you guys think. Do you think Im being reasonable enough? He sees her every 3-4 weeks, but his parents always come as they drive him down, so he cant be "himself" with dd, like how he was when it was dd's birthday, and it was just the three of us in the room. Anyway, thanks if you read this. xxx

[Tinker]

Does he actually treat her badly at all? I think, tbh, (and I can understand your reservations), that you should let her go for a few nights. Maybe he doesn't know how to change a nappy because he just hasn't had to very much. She reacts to him in the same way she reacts to any other male because she doesn't know he is more significnat yet. If she upped the contact that woudl change? How regularly does he see her now?

[tammyBEARinggifts]

he sees her every 3-4 weeks but is hoping to come more often, dont know how though, as he cant drive at the moment. I suppose I wouldnt mind so much if he was nearby but as its 3hours away, its a long way. And when they do come here, he doesnt have any time alone with her, and they cant take anywhere, except the park when the weathers nice and warmer

[Tinker]

Could he not take her out on the bus? I do have lots of sympathy because my daughter has never stayed with her father yet (but she only sees him about 2 or 3 times a year)

[tammyBEARinggifts]

do you mean to his, or just out in general? it took him almost 5 hours to get here by bus from where he lives, and he told me he doesnt feel comfortable taking dd out on his own, which is also why i have reservations

[AimsmumTheRedNoseReindeer]

I think, as you say, the situation is made more difficult because your exp lives so far away and if you were to let your DD stay it would be hard to get there if there was an emergency or whatever. But i think the most important thing is that you have to feel comfortable with where your DD is and if you wouldn't feel happy with her staying with your exp and his parents then I think it is ultimately up to you.
My dd is 4 and see's her dad on a wednesday night for an hour and for a few hours on a sunday. I will not let my DD stay overnight with him either although he asks all the time and only lives about 10 miles away. My main reason is like you I dont get on at all with his parents (part of the reason we split up, but not the main one), and I dont feel that any of them have enough common sence to look after her, but also because DD says that she doesn't want to stay there, so I dont feel I should force her and make an issue of it. She is quite happy to stay overnight with my mum occassionaly, so its not the fact that she doesn't like being away from me. But in the past few weeks I've also not been to keen on him taking her on a sunday, as he takes her to his parents (he also hardly ever spends anytime on his own with her) who are both heavy smokers and I dont like dd to be in that enviromnent but he always says they go outside to smoke when DD is there. After her operation last week we were told to keep her out of smokey environments, and he brought her back on sunday totally smelling of smoke was soooo angry as her ears have now started to play up again.
Anyway enough of my rant, I do think you shouldn't let your DD stay with her dad until both you and her are comfortable and happy with it

[tammyBEARinggifts]

thanks Aimsmum. thats bad of your exp allowing your dd to be in a smokey environment after her operation. if your dd did want to stay with him overnight, would you let her?

[AimsmumTheRedNoseReindeer]

No I wouldn't just now. Because she is still not feeling 100% and where he is living at the moment is not ideal and I wouldn't really be happy with it just now. But if his circumstances changed in the future then maybe it would be different, and if my DD changes her mind in the future I would have to have a think about it.
It would certainly give me a break for DD to stay with him, but I dont think it would be worth it, because I wouldn't relax as I would be so stressed worrying about her, if that makes any sence!

[tammyBEARinggifts]

yeah i know what you mean. that weekend dd did go to his, i was worried sick the whole time and i ended up ill because of it I am a natural worrier as it is, suffer from panic attacks and all, luckily havent had any in quite a while but he never bothered telling me how she was etc. his mum rang me the once saying she knew i would be worried and knew exp wasnt contacting me to let me know how it was going.

[AimsmumTheRedNoseReindeer]

Thats exactly how I feel too. Exp always says I could take DD for the weekend to give you a break and you could go out or whatever, but I feel I would be too worried about her and wondering what they were doing with her to be able to relax or enjoy myself. It must be even worse for you being so far away and its really bad that your exp didn't call you to let you know how your DD was doing.
I think at the end of the day as main carers we ultimately have to do what we feel is best for our DDs and if that means she doesn't get to stay with her dad until sheis older then thats the way its got to be. I mean I would never stop him from seeing her or anything, and I'm sure you wouldn't either, but as we are the ones left to make all the other descisions in our DDs life on our own, then I think this one should be up to us to!
OK rant over, but I hope you know what I mean

[aBeanInaManger]

Is there any way your exp could come and stay near you for a weekend and see dd for a couple of full days? Does he have any friends that he could stay with, or could he stay in a hotel? that way you could get used to the idea of dd being away with him but he would still be nearby and you would be there if your dd needed you. And then next time he could take dd home with him and you might not worry so much.


But I have to say that if I was you I wouldn't let dd stay until she can say that she wants to and understand why you're not there.

[tammyBEARinggifts]

Hes always moaning that he has no money. He has stayed over at a B&B before but his parents are with him so it doesnt really help. He has from this wednesday just gone til next tuesday off, and he came on weds for dd's birthday and i couldnt understand why he had to go the next day (was staying at a hotel overnight) if he had all that time off. he doesnt really have friends here. couldnt be bothered to keep in touch with them you see. he didnt ask to see dd before he left on thursday either

[dawniejinglebellbop1]

tammybear there is no way I would let my dd go that far away unless I felt totally hapy with it (which you obviously dont). DH and I are still together (happily) so Im not in the same situation but 3 hours drive away is just too far if you feel nervous about his parenting abilities. Why does he always bring his parents? If he really wants to spend time with his daughter he needs to find the money to stay overnight at a B&B once a month IMO - HTH

[tammyBEARinggifts]

his parents drive him down, hes currently learning to drive, hoping to pass in february, but i doubt he'll be able to afford a car as well, as he is living at home and moaning that he wants to move out but driving lessons are making him skint, so how he expects to get a new place in the new year and a car as well i dont know, if he cant manage now!? twat. plus i doubt he will have the confidence to drive all the way down the M1 on his own, as his nerves always get the better of him, and this is the reason why he stopped learning to drive years ago. i think it would cost him about £40 to come by train, but the last time i mentioned that he moaned he didnt want to sit on a train for 3hrs. but he has come down by bus but that took nearly 5hours. i think he'd rather not bother doing things out of his way to be able to see dd, and would rather every one else do the hard work for him. he wouldnt have come down on the bus that time if it wasnt for me, as it was on dd's birthday and he wanted his parents to come so he could be driven down, but i didnt want his parents there as its bad enough when they come anyway as its so awkward, and i didnt think it was fair that i should feel uncomfortable on my dd's birthday iyswim

[dawniejinglebellbop1]

tammybear he just sounds lazy to me (poor bloke can't defend himself here though) but it seems that he relys on others to help him out rather than take the onus on himself. This reinforces the fact that I would not allow my dd to travel that distance away from me to stay with him. I think you were right in your first message, while she is young he should make the effort to find the time and money to see her, when she is older then its up to her to decide.

[tammyBEARinggifts]

thanks dawnie

[Caligulights]

Tammybear, it almost sounds to me like his parents are the main reason for him seeing his DD, and if they weren't there nagging him, he might not bother.

In your situation, what I would do, is every time he starts nagging you about letting DD stay overnight with him, start nagging him about moving nearer to you. That'll shut him up. If he knows one unrealistic nag is going to be met with another one, he'll give up.

I don't think anyone should have to allow their child to stay with someone they feel isn't competent to look after them. Are your main reservations that he is negligent and clueless (would leave her nappy on for 12 hours, would dump her in front of CBeebies for 8 hours ? both crap, but not life-threatening) or do you fear that he is not safety conscious and that DD could be injured or worse while in his care?

[pixiefish]

Tammy- you're being entirely reasonable- your dd shouldn't stay with someone she's not entirely familiar with even though he's her dad. plus he's too far away if something went wrong.

[rickman]

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[Christmassbee]

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[tammyBEARinggifts]

Caligulights - I dont think dd would end up being in "danger" in his care, but I think he thinks I have it easy as dd is usually as good as gold, and it's not always just sitting there playing with toys and colouring in books. He has seen dd throw tantrums and going mad when I leave, and it makes me wonder what he would do if he had to deal with that on his own. I remember once when this happened, we were just sat in the garden and I went inside and dd started crying loudly. Neither him or his parents knew what to do, and his mum even said to me she didnt.

rickman - dd has just turned 2

Christmassbee - like you I can understand that he wants her there. He doesnt have PR but has brought it up in the past, but used it to "threaten" me as he believed if he had it, he could just come and get dd whenever he wanted without asking my permission, and he used it like as if he one up over me iykwim. he was always been one for mind games, and it was only when i saw a solicitor and got the facts that he shut up about it, and the only times he has said he wanted it was when things werent going his way, like not having dd up there, and when he found out about dp. And there isnt any risk to her staying there.