Overnights with dad at 15 months?

[Newmama2222]

Hi everyone,

My DD is currently 15 months and lives with me full time. Her dad (my ex) left when she was 7/8 months after having to deal with his DV since the pregnancy. He was rarely around in her early months as he was always working or away. He claimed he “has a life” and therefore refused to help me with our DD at all beyond token visits on a Saturday when we separated.

As he was not paying child maintenance I put the CMS application in a few months ago and the payment plan has now been agreed. As soon as he received the notification he said he wants her overnight (she was 13-14 months) and won’t admit it but it’s clearly to bring the money down. I said I felt it was too soon but ended up obliging and agreeing to one night a week as he was moaning about the length of the drive. Now he is saying he wants her two nights a week after her only staying overnight with him 3 times. I do not agree with this as my dd already seems very anxious leaving and coming back. She is also still BF and the night she comes back to me she is awake most of the night trying to BF, perhaps some sort of withdrawal from not having it for 24 hours!?

Can anyone advise who has been through this weather overnights at this age is encouraged with the dad and if so how many nights? I don’t know what the courts would suggest for example. I want to do whatever is in my DD’s best interests but I’m constantly being manipulated by my ex and am not sure what to think anymore.

Any advice / suggestions / experience with this would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks all. X

OP she is two young to be away from her primary caregiver for two nights in a row especially when he was only seeing her a couple hours at a time. She needs to adjust to seeing him and build up a relationship slowly with him. Do not engage in the conversation with him. The fact he thinks it should happen straight away shows he is thinking about himself and not her. If he was thinking about her needs he would be looking for frequent, short visits
For years I didn’t claim maintenance from my ex because I knew he would look for DC more to try and reduce it.

You mentioned she's anxious coming back- I wouldn't allow any more overnights with a violent man especially until she's old enough to understand explanations about where she's going and reassurance that she's coming back to you, and also that she can tell you what she's worried about. I'm also a lone parent with a baby (split when pregnant) and this is the rule I'm applying.

You've given it a go (overnights) but they haven't worked well for your daughters best interests. I'd honestly compromise and just accept a bit less money if that gave me a peaceful life over having to hand baby over. But you don't have to do this you can just say no!

Don't worry about courts- they're unlikely to insist on overnights suddenly at this stage and it would take a long while before they got to you so you have time. I'm not a dv expert but you could ask women's aid for advice about this and custody.

So bloody wrong as to be cruel, separating a bf baby from its mother overnight.

I would just not allow it.

Well done on breatfeeding so long too it's probably in your interest court wise to continue as long as you can (as well as for your daughters health and yours too of course) x

op have you got an update? I’m facing similar myself now but haven’t done an overnight yet

I'm also going through similar, but my son is 12months old.

I'd be keen to know how it went. 12 month seems way too young for him to do an over night with an unreliable dad. But I don't know if I'm being unrealistic. 😔

Start it in stages so first year afternoons with her Dad, then one year old a night at Dads and then at two if all's going well weekends.