Feeling really grim....

[looneymum]

My DH left on 29 Dec and has subsequently come clean that he is seeing his boss. He worked away in the week and basically left me in the space of six weeks. I have two DD (aged 6 and 3). I have been through hell with the shock and disbelief and am now coming to terms with the grimness of being a single parent (we were married for 8 years). I feel so lonely tonight and although I have a good set of friends, it really hits home at the weekends and evenings (when smug marrieds are all snuggled up together). He has been away on holiday for a week and so I have done back to back childcare without a break for a couple of weeks. He normally picks them up on a Saturday and has them from 10am until 5ish. Going forward, I hope he will have them overnight to give me a break. Unfortunately, I cannot communicate with him unless by e-mail, so all child arrangements are being made that way. There is all the financial uncertainty which is a whole different story but hopefully the solicitor will "bleed him dry"!

So, this is just a real whinge about being lonely, with two kids screaming the place down and wondering how I will ever get through...

Hello Smug married are often arguing at the weekends waiting for monday morning to come so that H goes back to work...it just SEEMS to be that they are all snuggled up, the reality is not so great.
Do you know any other single mums?
Are the kids ready for bed? Get them in bed or its too early set them in front of a dvd.
Set arrangements to see the kids would be a bonus, you would know when you were having your time to yourself and could plan ahead?
I have been on my own since may last year.
Know how you feel.

Hiya. Ive been on my own for 7 months, ds was 9/12months when we split. I know you may not believe it right now but things will get better its just a case of adjusting to dealing with everything on your own but you will be fine. Ask him to have your dd's overnight even if it is just 1 night at a weekend. It might sound awful but it gives you something to look forward to and therefore helps you cope.

Hi

I feel the same sometimes, had a particularly bad week, you will get days where you are fine and others when it feels like your world is crashing down around you, does it get better yes but like everyone says it takes time, I go from being angry, hurt, needy everything with my ex and today i've felt like he is a complete tw*t but still feel urge to speak to him

Thanks CharlieCat. I do not know any other single mums - which I suppose is a bit strange... I only know "not so smug marrieds!" You are of course right, even I know it wasn't a bed of roses. Still there is something about knowing someone is coming in just to give you a bit of a breather and I think that is what feels so final at the minute. The kids are now in bed. I managed not to lose it but did say to DD1 why does she have to scream and shout - she is just little though - it is me that cannot cope, she is just six - poor sole - they just want their daddy. It is so unfair that he just gets to walk away and leave me with this all to cope with.

Thanks everyone. We will all get through - perhaps a few Handsome Princes will appear for us and save the day! My DD1 says she doesn't want me to meet anyone else as he will make her watch the football - ha! how right she is!

Have a look at the MN meetup sections see if there are any Mnetters near you?
Im not hoping for a prince, ive yet to meet a straight man that hasnt disapointed me.
Itll be alright in the end...you know that

It sounds like such a cliche but it does get easier. I used to dread weekends but enjoy them now. Used to feel like I had a big SAD SINGLE MUM sticker on my head when out alone with DS but it's fine now - suppose it's part of the grieving thing really.
Still get a bit lonely during the evenings though - spend an awful lot of time on MN!
Glad you've got good friends - don't be afraid to ask for help and tell them how you're feeling.

Loony, that was my sentiment exactly, more than any other feeling about the break up, my thoughts were 'this is so unfair that you walk away scott free and i take on all your life's responsibilities'. That took so much to get over, and it still really gets to me somedays even four years down the line. Xh is off skiing, holidays to the sun, and I'm in a council estate with 6 kids 24/7. The f*ing bstard. Then he spends the whole time telling me I'm not doing a terribly good job. They need their b*locks ripped off.

Maybe you could discuss all this with him so he can see where you are coming from and how you need a break too and how he needs to take responsibility. Mediation might be a solution to getting this ball rolling for you both. Make it clear you expect him to have the children overnight at least once a fortnight, and also for part of the school holidays. He might be perfectly happy to do this, just not ready for teh argument he thinks asking for it might bring. Then again he might not have thought that far ahead at all, or not want too. Does he have suitable space to accomodate them overnight where he is?

Perhaps you could get his/your parents to have the children sometimes too, so if he goes on holiday ask if his mum might want to have them for the day instead (assuming she is within distance).

And you could also perhaps mention that'd you'd like to take a week or two's holiday and expect him to have the kids when you do... And that might make him think about what swanning off for a couple of weeks actually means. Then book a weekend away at a spa or even just to stay with a friend if money is short and let him have them for a couple of nights!

But seriously, the first think to do is get some guidelines in place as to when contact will occur and for him to realise that he has responsibilities, and if he can't meet them he needs to make other arrangements (ask his own family etc) rather than just expecting you to take full responsibility. Hopefully he'll buck up once you and he are able to discuss things.

Stay strong
Gilly

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your great advice. So, here we are, Saturday night and i've got through it! I managed to over stay my welcome at DDs party this afternoon and ended up staying for a chat and glass of vino and the kids only got to bed at 8.30pm! Perhaps I'll get a lie in tomorrow - not! I may well rope his parents in for a bit of extra child care going forward, unfortunately they live about three and a half hours from me but still that is his problem to sort. Kids are now asking to stop over at daddy's house and as his luxury apartment has two bedrooms, I don't see why they shouldn't. I am worried they wont settle but at least I will get a break.

Thanks again everyone .. talk soon.