Talk to me about being a lone mum

[newlysolomama]

I'm 28, DS is 2.5. Recently divorced, exH very abusive and it has now got to the stage where I've had to have him arrested and am considering a restraining order etc. currently no contact on police's advice (his number is blocked) but bail conditions mean he can't contact me anyway.
Social services asked what id like to do about contact and recommended maybe not allowing contact at this stage. Nursery also said the same.
I have always tried to encourage a relationship and allowed contact etc however the harassment and abuse etc has got too much.
I am considering the fact that I may have to be a lone parent. Either because contact isn't advised, or because I have huge doubts about his dad even bothering to step up and have regular contact now after all of this.
I have limited support from my family (we can go there and stay there etc but I don't have anyone who will have him alone overnight for example) and a couple of friends.
I'm finding everything very overwhelming as my mum passed away a few months ago and we were incredibly close and she was a huge support in our lives. I don't know what to do for the best and the prospect of being a lone parent is so daunting. I naively never imagined myself in this position and I honestly give my utmost respect to those who have done this as it's so hard.

I guess I'm just asking for some advice on whether being a lone parent seems like the right thing to do, and just how people manage and how they find it. At the minute I'm so stressed but I do feel relieved that I don't have to worry about what my ExH thinks, and we can just get on with things. However I worry I will fold under the pressure with no break.
I don't really know whether I'm coming or going to be honest but I needed to get it out.
Thank you in advance x

Honestly, get out! I’m so sorry to Hesse about everything you’ve been through but get out. I’m a single mom and have been since my daughter was born. Done it alone from day one. It is hard I’m ngl, really hard but I know that no matter how hard it can get, it’ll always be easier than being with my ex just for the sake of it. As hard as it is, it’s just as rewarding and beautiful.
You can do it! you’ve got this. Wishing you all the best xx

Im a lone parent to 4 I manage because there is no alternative. I wont lie and say it's easy as have no family support either. You will manage.

Being a lone parent is very hard. In your situation I would still do it. You will manage, we all manage because there is no other choice. It gets easier when they are older honestly! I have 3 kids, my 8 year old I could be lone parent with ease I could even manage her and the toddler alone as I've learnt how as was lone parent for a good while after my first two. But I have a high need Sen kiddo and feel like I'm drowning all the time. I still manage because if I don't who will care for my kids safely?

Sending lots of love to you, you've been through a lot.

I am on my own with 2DC 7 and 3. I think co parenting works only with 2 reasonable adults. Which it sounds like your ex isn't.

My friend is stuck in a situation where her exH is still able manipulate and distress her, he has court ordered access to the children but uses that link in her life to hurt her any opportunity he gets.

I am on my own. Its hard but we do what we want. Your child is young. Cut your losses with your ex. If hes abusive, do you really need that in your life? And how much help would he really be anyway?

I'm sorry you've been through this. Listen to social services' advice. I hear horror stories of them forcing children to see abusive parents in contact centres so what your ex-H did must be appalling for them to advise NC with your child. If he is so abusive surely you could never be happy leaving DC in his care so just forget him and be glad he's out of your lives, and your DC is young enough that they'll have little memory of him and he won't have done too much damage to them. Keep it that way. Do not cling to some idea of DC seeing him because it would make your life easier. It absolutely won't, and will also be so damaging to your DC to have a father like that in their life. My children's father also has no contact at all with them and only would over my dead body.

It is hard to be a lone parent, but you do it because it has to be done. I've been alone with my two since they were babies. No family help. Juggling work and caring for them is very difficult but that's mainly because they both have disabilities and so do I, which makes things much more expensive and exhausting. If none of us did it wouldn't be too difficult as all I'd need to do is work and care for them, not have effectively a third full time job as well consisting of fighting various public bodies to get them support and medical treatment. I don't sleep much. 🤣

Anyway, hopefully that side of my experience is not relevant to you. And with just one child it will be far easier both logistically and financially. One of my biggest struggles is getting sufficient 1:1 time with mine and you won't have that problem.

I recommend getting everything into a routine as much as possible so it requires the minimum input and effort from you. For example, I have a shopping delivery slot that is automatically booked each week for the same time, so have a diary reminder to update the order two days beforehand each week and that is all the effort grocery shopping takes me. 5 sets of uniform once your DC is school age so you only have to wash it at weekends. Batch cooking food once or twice per week means there is a constant rotation of healthy, tasty food but for the other 5 or 6 days there is minimal cooking to do. The more you can do on auto-pilot of routine with minimal brain space and mental effort, the easier it is. Set days for washing, cleaning.

Also find a local babysitter so you can have occassional evenings out with friends. This makes a big difference mentally.

Also, think about the positives: your child won't have to go through the usually damaging additional disruption of step parents or blended families. You can give DC a stable home with no more trauma that isn't dependent on anybody else or can be ripped apart by a relationship breakdown. You will have a very strong bond together. You will not have to deal with negotiating contact with an ex, or missing some of your child's birthdays or Christmases. You can live your life however you like and raise your child how you want to with no interference. You are free now. Look forward to the future! And yes, it will get much easier over the next couple of years as DC gets older and more independent. All the best parts are yet to come.

your choice currently as I understand ir is lone parent fully alone or almost lone parent with an abusive unreliable ex. My ex is abusive and parenting is much easier without him than with.

Plus you should soon get the nursery funding! So suddenly when your childcare costs go down that is a large amount of extra money you'll have per month to make your lives more comfortable and enjoyable. Save it up and book the two of you a nice holiday for next summer to look forward to. Start planning some lovely things to do together over Christmas. This is the start of a new (and much better) life.

Ah OP that sounds awful and well done for being strong.

lone parenting is really hard. Especially when they are young. But as they get older it gets easier and easier. They become fun and good company.

Try and find other lone parents as they will understand what you are going through. I learned to cook so I could invite my friends around for dinner in the evenings to keep me company.

good luck OP

Also so sorry about your mum.

I’m so sorry about your Mum, please be kind to yourself I know how painful such grief can be.
I am a single parent to four children, have been for years, and I sadly have no family left so it truly is just me and the kids. You are more than welcome to message with questions/for support at any time.
I would say that being a parent on your own is far less exhausting than having negative involvement from an ex or a ‘partner’…my ex was actually the one that drained me mentally and caused most housework, not the kids. I love cooking for just us, having nobody to bring down the atmosphere in our home etc….I’ve created a warm, safe, loving and respectful family unit and we all thrive now.
Hardest bits - Sundays. All the washing up, always. (They get old enough to help pretty quickly though)

I'm a Lone parent to dd5. Ex only has supervised contact currently. He is in no way a parent to DD5.

Is there any way your ex could take you to court for contact? Was he abusive to the children?

I’m a lone parent too, since my son was a few months old. My ex was abusive (not as bad as your situation though) and saw my son supervised but that became fewer and fewer occasions until total estrangement when my son was 5. My son did struggle a little - occasions when he’d ask ‘why?’ and would be angry, but that became less frequent. We became a unit of two. I had support from my parents and good friendships, but our relationship was stronger just being the two of us. He’s now twenty and at university - we’re still close and he’s the apple of my eye but he’s become a lovely young man despite (because of?) his start in life and his not having a father has not blighted him in any way. I want you to know that being a single, lone parent is not disastrous. Yes it can be daunting, hard work, lonely but it’s also massively rewarding and fun. It’s been the best part of my life. You’ve got this.

That is so lovely to hear @Midwinterblues , how close you are and how he is flourishing. I am only 1/3 of the way through raising mine but I do think it is the best thing that has ever happened in my life, to be their mother. I am so proud of what wonderful people they are becoming already. I never imagined in a million years I'd be a lone parent but - hard as it has been in these early years while I had to firefight the chaos that had been caused by their father - I really want to cherish what is left of their childhoods because it is flying past so fast. I hope your story was inspiring to the OP, also.

Thank you @Nepmarthiturn, you’ve written beautifully about being a lone parent and I echo what you’ve said.
I feel strongly that there’s so much worry, uncertainty and vilification about being a lone parent but much of that is from outside viewpoints (other people’s projections, misconceptions, the media etc etc) but it doesn’t have to be that way. I absolutely agree with what you said and to cherish your time with your children especially- it really does fly and I still can’t believe my son is now an adult.
I honestly think the hideousness was worth it, no one wants to be a single parent/lone parent but you have to make the best of it and remind yourself that it’s far better than to be in an abusive relationship every single time.
There are some brilliant things written on this thread @newlysolomama and I hope they give you strength. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your Mum too 💐. I’m sending you lots of unmumsnetty hugs and wish you so much luck. Believe in yourself, and as several of us have already said - you’ve got this.

I'm a lone parent. I was 42 when I had DS and my "D"H buggered off with OW when he was 2 years old. OW demanded he cut us off completely and was abusive to DS. She is now subject of a Prohibited Steps Order and they have moved 700 miles away. He has no contact. DS is autistic and has combined type ADHD. It's hard, I won't lie.

However there are positives in that all decisions are mine, there is no benign influence from my ex or OW. We have a calm and peaceful house that has been amazing for DS. The downside is I rarely go out, I've been single for a decade because dating is impossible and it's financially tough. I wouldn't change it though!

Thank you for sharing your story.
I've been more or less lone parenting for 16 months now, three little girls all 4 and under.
As many have said, it's not easy but it's better than abuse!
Like you I never imagined being a single mum, despite DV occurring throughout our 7 year relationship. I kept waiting for the day for him to change, but it never came. What did come was the social services, and them saying I was exposing my children to emotional abuse. The constant attacks are not good for your son to witness or grow up thinking it's ok to treat a woman that way. It's been a long year and a bit, still hoping he'll change and step up but now I've accepted he never will unless he truly wants it. He has not paid for kids since last Oct (in and out of work and was self-employed so he's dodged CMS), would sporadically see them, not calling or going missing for weeks on end. Finally I understood no dad is better than an inconsistent or abusive one. It's our job to protect them & of the dad is a terrible role model then we have to protect them from that, otherwise there will be impacted even more when they grow up. I've recently take out a non molestation order which even prevents him sending abusive texts. My mum and his mum are fantastic help. My mum's just starting having all 3 every Friday night and it's a dream. Despite the struggle financially, lack of sleep sleep and whatever else I can only keep looking forward and be relieved I am not living that horrible sad life anymore. I hope you figure it all out, but as everyone keeps telling me it'll take time but does get easier.