How to tell IVF son he hasn't got a father?

[KatsLondon]

My sister, who is single, had a son three years ago via IVF. Last week when someone asked James at the playground where his daddy was, James answered with a long story about how his Daddy was at home. He's done this before - Daddy's on holiday - and it's heart-breaking that he feels he has to make up stories about it. He's been told from the start that he doesn't have a Daddy but he's so little and obviously really wants a Daddy and so I wondered what we could do to help him? I don't want him to feel ashamed or embarrassed or that it's in any way his fault and yet just saying 'You haven't got one' or promising that he might get one in the future seem wrong too. If anyone could recommend a strategy or some books to read I'd be very grateful. I'm trying hard to be a good Auntie but that's really no substitute!

sorry didnt want this to go unanswered also sorry i havent really got any advice. Only thing i can think of is a very nice man gave him to his mummy but i surpose that will lead to more questions. Im sure someone will have some better advice than that.

My DH's dad left when he found out his Mum was pregnant with DH so he never had his dad around and had no contact with him until 30 years later when he found him living in NZ.

He knew that he had no dad or at least he didnt have a dad that wanted to be part of his life and he used to make up little stories very similar to what your nephew has said. His dad was a soldier, he dad was on a big ship, his dad ran a sweet shop in London. So not sure what the answer is but sounds like a route that little kids go through.

I think you just have to be honest and give him as much age appropriate information as he asks for, without making a big deal out of it or stopping him making up stories. Kids make up stuff all the time and maybe it's not that he's embarrassed but just that having no dad is a good opportunity to tell people interesting stories.

Not much help I know! ds(3) hasn't asked me anything yet (not IVF, just a rubbish dad who he hasn't met) but does tell people that he doesn't have a dad. I'll answer all his questions honestly when he asks.

Thanks for your help - I think you're right in that kids make up stuff all the time and that it may not be a bad thing. I don't want to interpret his actions in an 'adult' way - ie assuming he feels bad or ashamed about it - when he's still very little and might not have link not having a dad to those emotions.
I'm not sure whether it's better or worse (probably just 'different') to have a 'rubbish dad' as Beansmum put it, to having no dad at all and I think it'll get harder to deal with when he socialises with other children's families more in the same way that it will be for children in single-parent families. I suppose the thing is not to bombard him with information he can't cope with - my sister suggested telling him that a nice man helped give him to mummy (as ShelleyLou suggested) but I think that might lead to worries whether this man might come back for him one day.
Anyway in case anyone is in the same situation I've found a booklet calling 'Talking and Telling' which is on the Donor Conception website and covers this kind of thing. I think I was hoping for some magic phrase he could be taught to reassure him and stop other children asking him about it but maybe it's best he comes up with something for himself in his own time with lots of support from the rest of us.

I used to make up stories when i was a child as to why my mother had given me up for adoption. This was partly from lack of information from my parents (who apparently were waiting for me to ask while i was waiting for them to tell me, all of us avoiding speaking about it because it was a difficult and uncomfortable subject) and partly because i needed to have reasons why my mother couldn't keep me and so made up all kinds of things to make it less painful that she'd abandoned me.

I think you should at least give him the informati(appropriate to his age) on what is the reality and not let him go off into some fantasy make believe world of this perfect father who will come for him some day...

When my son's friends come round and ask where his dad is we have had 'confusion' when my son sometimes tells them he doesn't have a dad or says he lives in america. I simply say he doesn't live in the same house as us and that all families are different.

I also have explained to my son the difference between a father and a dad and explained he does have a father (who helped make him) but he doesn't have a dad (someone who is here for him and does things with him and takes care of him). A similar sort of explanation might work for your child. Because the reality is he does have a father (you just don't know who he is) but he doesn't have a 'dad'.

I also talk to my son about other families and how they're all different. He knows other children who have stepdads or live with their dad rather than their mum and vice versa, and there are starting to be a lot more single parents around at school as families separate. My neighbour has a toddler with her new partner and her older two live with their dad so he can see close at hand that it's not unusual to have a 'different' family. You can probably find examples of different kinds of families in your son's circle of friends or school.

Hard as it is for you i believe you should broach this with your son and let him know it is safe to ask you quetsions and you won't get upset by talking about it. His stories are coming out for a reason, and possibly it is his confusion and a need to explain the lack of a dad to himself as much as anyone else.

Best of luck
Gilly

I am a single mom! my babys dad left me before he was born. I went to see a councelor on this subject as i needed to know how to handle it. she said that the father /dad explantion .. not every one has a dad. some people have 2 mums some have 2 dads and so on but everyone has a father.. so im hoping that this advice is solid for me. and helpfull for you xx good luck xx

Oh, this is so sad. Sorry, I'm not trying to make things hard on you. Just goes to show how their minds work. I hope you find a good solution, and what a lovely aunty you are for caring so much as to look for the answer.