How much do you tell co-parent about behaviour

[thelonemommabear]

My eldest is 7. Her behaviour over the last few months has significantly deteriorated - the only warning that seems to work is if I threaten to call her dad and tell him what's been going on. I hate it as the term co-parent barely applies to him - he has no overnights and sees our children for an hour or so per fortnight.

I don't know whether to just find a way of dealing with her behaviour myself or involve him. I highly doubt when I've told him in the past that he has actually spoke to her sternly/told her off as doubt he'd want to come across as the bad guy for the little time he sees her.

Also it sets my teeth on edge involving him in any parenting really as his reasons for leaving very specifically relate to parenting and the children so I think why should I ?!

I wouldn’t do that, doesn’t sound like he would care? He rarely sees her? My ex is the same and I couldn’t imagine telling the kids I would tell their father who barely sees them

I wouldn’t talk to him about their behaviour, I would see myself as a single parent in this situation.

I also doubt that the threat of telling her dad is going to be a long-term solution to her behaviour problems.

Thanks both

It's been a year since he walked out - unexpectedly - and I think I still feel unsure about how much to tell him (or not) and I suppose there is also an element of it all still feeling isolating and lonely in not being able to talk about what's going on with the kids with the only other person who is supposed to care as much as me (the other parent)

Siblings and grandparents I can't really talk too as they have their own opinions which generally just gets my back up - you'd think they wrote the book on raising children (none are single parents by the way) and none live close to us to have the consistency of seeing the children to have seen the behaviour or help me manage it

I think the unwritten rule is if he doesn’t asks don’t tell him? Would he want to know? Does he ask how they are in between contact? I know my ex wouldn’t be interested in anything like that. It’s not up to him to discipline her if she misbehaves with you and I don’t think it’s fair to mention him in that sense.

I’d be wanting to get to the bottom of what is going on with her behaviour, and what is causing it rather than threatening with telling her dad. She sounds unhappy and I don’t think using him is helping in any way.

He does ask - leading up to contact more so - perhaps to justify to himself that he's a good dad and doing his bit (and probably make out to his parents that he is actively involved and interested in our lives)

I know I shouldn't tell him - I guess sometimes I just need to tell someone.
Her cheekiness belligerence and general back chat is quite hard to take (her personality is very similar to his) and I feel like all I do is tell her off/raise my voice and I just want someone else - him - to do that for a change so that I don't constantly come across as the boring angry shouty mum that I seem to have turned into. Whilst he comes across as amazing daddy who is fun and happy (well who wouldn't be when they have left 99.9% of parenting to someone else). The children get the best of him and I feel like they get the worst of me

I didn't expect to be raising 3 young children alone and certainly not for the reasons that I now am

Thinking I'm just worn down by it all today

I've tried but she won't really open up.

But I think part of the problem is that she has ended up taking on the role of being a second parent to her siblings (2 year old twins) so now she feels like she has more power / entitlement (not sure if that is the right word) than is normal for a 7 year old.

But I'm not sure now how to get her out of that mindset

I guess my opinion is by saying you will tell her dad you are making him sound like the boss rather than you? She needs to know you are the boss. If he asks by all means mention it but I wouldn’t use it to her personally as a threat.

Nothing. Not a thing. They're the happiest, most well adjusted kids to ever exist. Nothings wrong, no problems, thriving blah blah blah. Because if I don't it sets off a cascade of drama/stomping around declaiming "THINGS NEED TO CHANGE ROUND HERE/YOU'RE A SHIT LAZY MOTHER WHO IS DESTROYING THOSE KIDS".

You are both right absolutely

Tomorrow is a new day - post him leaving I think I was on a wave of adrenaline and had bags of confidence about being a single parent but I think the last few weeks has knocked my confidence a bit - just got to find that again 💪🏻