Why is he still trying to controll what I'm doing??? FFS.

[davidtennantsmistress]

dman man.

he sees his child every other weekend. last one was 23rd feb (ds's birthday) this weekend is his one but no he's got to 'work' apparently. What pisses me off more is he said the job he's got put down for he wouldn't do on a weekend if it was on DS's weekend, and more to the point it means he won't see DS for 4 week.

so anyways, he says to me I didn't confirm to him that I was wanting to go out. (am going to brighton shopping with my mum aunt & cousin as an early birthday treat) WTF!!!??? it's his weekend to have his child - since when do I have to tell him what my plans are and ask him
if he can have his child?? idiot man.

I didn't have a mothers card from him (ds from him iycwim) highly doubtful i'll get a bloody birthday card, so even thou we're not together he's still trying to stop me doing the things I bloody well want to do. when I said was going out shopping he said 'get your aunty to do it' er well no I can't as her nan's just died . idiot man.

anyhow I hung up on him (yes childish I know) and he rang back within ooh 2 mins literally and said has spoken to the boss and he's able to swop and is that OK with me??? fucking tosser. honestly he wouldn't be able to get an answer that quickly so I highly doubt he was even on the bloody rota for this weekend - prob just wanted to have another weekend away wiht his mates getting pissed like last weekend (when he was actually meant to do the duty in the first place)

yes I know i'm ranting and it's unreasonable, and it'a all working out fine but ffs why do I have to tell him about my goings on he is not my husband anymore.

does he really think it's acceptable after visitin DS twice on this arrangement it's ok to start skipping visits?

so far i've gone out of my way to help him - he even stays at my house, and I help him out with money if he needs it at the end of the month . and he'll be staying with me for a week over easter to see DS.

Wow, you sound pretty angry.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself of why you're not with him, probably it's because of situations like this.

You are right in that it is his weekend and he should take responsibilty for his son as agreed.

I think you did right to make a stand. A child is a responsibility and he needs to take that responsibility. He can't just skip a visit because he's too busy, being a parent doesn't work like that. He made a comitment to once a fortnight, and he knew well in advance which weekend it was going to be.

However there are sometimes going to be times when for whatever reason he might not be able to meet that commitment. And there are going to be times when you want to change the weekends to suit you too. So a certain amount of flexibility is always wise. And he could of course have just made arrangements for someone else to take care of your child while he went to work without even telling you he'd be working...

If it were me i'd probably prefer for my ex to ask me first if i would have my child instead if he was unable to make his commitment before he started asking round him family, friends, neighbout, anyone off teh street who'd say yes... Can you honestly say you have never asked a friend, neighbour, family member to have your child because you need to do something? Whether it be work, doctors appointment, shopping...

Of course what he actually did was ask you to ask your own relatives rather than his, or even him asking your relatives. So you need to make it clear, if he has a commitment he can't get out of (and it better be a bloody good one) which means he can't see his child, then probably asking you if you will swap to another weekend is best. Then if you can't swap as you have made plans then it is his responsibility to arrange for someone to take care of him.

I would also suggest that, excepting emergencies, any changes to agreed contact time should be requested and confirmed in writing at least 6 weeks in advance, by either of you. Then you both know where you stand and it gives you plenty of time to inform your son of alterations so he is not disappointed or let down at the last minute.

Hope you enjoy your shopping
take care
Gilly

gilly - I am as flexible as they come- hence letting him stay on my sofa, his parents still staying in my house to see their DC - (and apparently as now there's one less adult ie H in my house £20 for a weeks stay is reasonable?? - but still it's not about the money)

he wouldn't be able to do that sort of arrangement, our circs mean he lives 60 miles away so he comes down literally for the whole weekend or not at all.

it's not the fact of swopping even he's working next w.e apparently as well, it's the fact he said well you didn't ask me. Er why exactly do I have to ask him? and tbh he's alway made such a big fuss about how he's a fantastic dad, and he won't let DS/will be here if she says he will do - and at the first oppertunity he wanted to miss a visit. .

he seems to forget this was his choice not mine. i'd still be the idiot working on our marriage, but he's left EVERYTHING for me to sort out - literally, from finding a new house to paying for it, to sorting out my old house 60 miles away, and going up there to clean it with DS - and when I did ask him to come over and help me he arrived at 2.30 when I told him I wanted to go at 3. It annoys me so much that i've been left with everything, and he's walked away as if he's not had any responsibilities to begin with.

tbh his job doens't allow for that much notice - but then again at the start of every month he should know when he's working and what he's doing - so even that's ok by me, and thank god DS is too young really to understand it all.

in the last 2 weeks thou he's spoken to DS & rang me to ask about DS twice. i'd have thought a good dad would be rining more often as he can't see his child every week (i'd be happy for him to but finances etc means he can't - and I can't afford to pay for his travel as well esp as he has about 2.5 times what I do a week)

but thanks for your responce thou - am calmer today even if it doesn't appear it! will be stopping out on sat night I think so I won't have to see him at all that day - can cope wiht a few hours fri night and sun morning.

I'm sorry you are are so frustrated by him. You don't deserve it at all and it seems as though you try so hard to be accomodating. Quite right, you don't have to ask or explain anything on your weekend 'off'... Perhaps he is finding it hard to adjust his behaviour, especially if he was used to being 'the boss' in your relationship. Perhaps still thinks he calls the shots?

lw - I don't doubt it, he's used to being in control - of both me and DS. But for reasons which well, he is his father, and I feel if DS no longer wants to see his dad it's his decision when he's older, until then, as long as he's not abusive in any way then I won't stop them seeing each other, it's jsut as you say so frustrating.

It sounds to me as if both of you are struggling to make the transition to single parents.

He still treats you as the wife who has overall responsibility and he 'does what he can, when he can' rather than being a single parent who has immovable responsibilities to his DS every 2 weeks.

By the same token, you are not acting in an ex-wife way either - letting him and his parents stay at your house - helping him out with money etc.

I think it is just a fact of where you are in the break-up process - both finding your way to a different relationship with each other. In time it will grow more separate - but it will probably require some discipline of both your parts to do so.

I know you are right soapy - we do have (at the mo) a very unusual relationship, and my NG (new guy) is not particularly happy about it but is going along with it for the minute.

for the most part - I have agreed to him/his parents staying in my house as then the money they would spend on B&B they'll be able to use for activities with DS - as both parties do not have an awful lot to spare.

I do understand why you let them stay etc, but you do so because of the old relationship you had with them.

It is hard to let go completely, even when you know it is right to do so. You need to cut yourself (and him) a bit of slack I think, and just think of it as part of the process of getting used to your new relationship as exs and becoming single parents.

it is hard isn't it - I only have to think about this every other week, (and stay out of the house as much as I can when he's here) NG is asking what will happen if he wants to stay here the weekend and it's x's turn to visit.

it's almost as if we both still have the best of both worlds - but I guess really it's stopping both of us from moving on properly - as XH says he's happy i'm dating etc etc and have found a NG, yet on the other hand when i'm going out with NG XH is very short & offish. so I guess it's not easy for either of us.