“You are so lucky”

[BananaSlug]

Why do so many people say this to me when I tell them my children’s father is not involved? How is that lucky? How is it lucky to have children with someone who doesn’t want to see them? If I wanted to raise children alone with no input from another person I would have used a sperm donor but I never would do that as I didn’t want to raise children alone, I have no family help so I wouldn’t have chosen that route knowing I would be fully alone raising children. I am also the one left to deal with the upset and hurt my kids feel due to their father not wanting to see them. I also do every single thing for the children. Like people are not suppose to say someone is lucky if they have a good and supportive ex as it’s not “luck” it’s the “norm” then why is it ok to say it to those whose exes have opted out of all parenting?

It’s not ok, it’s stupid and thoughtless.

Involved fathers can cause a lot of problems both for the children and the ex partner, from obstructiveness, right up to ongoing abuse. I think only in the last case is it preferable for the father not to be involved at all.

I would have given anything to have an active involved ex who cares about the kids as much as I do. My ideal would have been 50/50 so being told I’m lucky he doesn’t bother annoys me.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. In an ideal world I always thought that if me and my children’s dad ever split then he would play a fully active role in their lives but as it’s turned out he’s not allowed any kind of contact with them now and hasn’t for over 3 years. I try to look at the positives like I get to make all the decisions regarding their lives and I get to do things 100% my way but it’s also so hard.

it’s insensitive and I wouldn’t say it to someone. Is this coming from women who are trying to coparent with abusive men or flaky men who come and go when ever suits them.

In my own situation I would be quite happy for EX to go awayand never be seen again. He has caused enough damage. DC is traumatised after him and it’s ongoing.

Most of us wanted a stable, happy relationship to bring DC up in. The people who have this are the lucky ones.

They don’t say but either way my ex wasn’t abusive to our children so still doesn’t make me lucky as my situation is different to theirs.

That seems like such a bizarre thing to say, unless both your ex and theirs were complete arseholes, but even then, very tactless.

I’d have a short sharp reply like ‘I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s not good for the kids or me.’

It’s strangers saying it on Facebook “support” groups, it’s said to me regularly, it’s at the point now where I feel like writing at the end please don’t tell me I’m lucky it happens a lot.

It’s usually a reflection of their own unhappy relationships. I’m a single parent and have climbed up the career ladder, have been able to grow a business and appear to have a social life (my social life is work and my child!!).

People see some element of freedom when they have a man in their life that drags them down; I’m guessing this as I have had a few friends go from being in a relationship or marriage and then becoming single parents and feeling relief and freedom but realised that is is so damn hard without a support network. Often asking me how I live a “fulfilled looking” life.

Sometimes I do feel lucky as many women have given up so much and often unwillingly put their lives on hold.

Im not saying that these people aren’t ignorant - as they probably have no idea how much harder line parent work - but I’ve seen so much sadness from people in relationships.