Ex wants contact after NC for 4 years

[missmatch23]

I'm not to sure where to post this. Nor am I sure what I'm looking for. Perhaps other mums who have been in what may be a pending situation.

I was told a couple of days ago that my sons dad, who has been out of his life for as long as he was in it, is saving to seek access to our son. Our relationship broke down due to abuse, and he eventually left me for a 19 y/o, he was 33 at the time.

During our relationship, I attended Women's Aid to seek advice and support. The police were also called on one occasion because he smashed holes in the doors in my home and refused to leave. There are plenty of other things however, as anyone who has suffered abuse would know, much cannot be proven as it happened behind closed doors.

At the time we separated, he was highly into drugs. Never had any money because he insisted that for the 5 years of our relationship, he was paying of debt belonging to his ex partner. I still don't exactly know where his wages went, when he was actually working (had around 19 jobs throughout our relationship and kept getting sacked), I was also paying for his court case to gain access to his other two children. However, he never pursued this and the money placed in holding with his solicitor was never returned to me.

He eventually stopped seeing our son when he came home one day, aged 3 and a half, saying his daddy said he was to spit at me because I'm disgusted, and that his daddy was saying nasty things about me, to which my DS was arguing with him trying to defend his mummy 😭 breaks my heart to say that. He sent us the odd message through covid. Basically putting on performances he'd done for me in the past regarding his other two children. I didn't buy into it and just blocked his number.

He showed up at my parents house 2 years ago with a couple of Christmas presents and bags of sweets wrapped up to make it look like he'd bought him all this stuff for Christmas. There were 2 toys from B&M 2 for £30 range, some milky ways, haribo and some freddo. My family didn't interact and he was asked to leave. Months before he was outside of their home screaming at me as I was trying to put DS in the car for him to go with him for visits.

He is now with a girl who is 23 and has her own flat. He has never moved out of his parents home in the time we have been separated, until he has come across a young lady who has her own means. This is a typical feature, as he goes for women who can support him gona or have something to offer him. I have heard so much over the years about him, but obviously you can't prove this no matter how true you know it actually is. The girl he is with now is actually younger than the girl he originally left me for.

He is now a 'Facebook Reformed Character', showing off pictures of the gym, hiking etc. However, from what I can see of his behaviour, he doesn't seem to have really changed at all. The only positive may be is that he doesn't do drugs now, and so will actually be able to wake up if my son needs him in the night and so on. There were times when he couldn't wake his dad and was forced to wet himself and have to go back to sleep. Then be made to wear nappies that he'd been out of for a year, because he was pissed off at having to change the bed.

There has been so many horrible experiences we have suffered, and the thought of him putting on a show and undoing all the hard work I've put into my son, while having to fix myself in the meantime is honestly soul destroying. As far as I know, he still has no contact with his older children who are 13 and 11, and has been out of their lives now for 8 years. Why gun for my son, when he has three children all together.

I'm sorry for rambling. Suppose I'm hoping to find people who have been here also, and can help me know what to expect should this happen, because the thought of this man influencing my lovely, sweet, kind little boy is ripping my heart out.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed and hope that he doesn’t follow through.

Let him save the ££££ for court and think of it as unlikely that he will manage too.

Consider that he is only saying this to his new girlfriend to convince her he is a good father - perhaps he is trying to persuade her to have kids and this is his way of doing it

some men really are scumbags

@Quitelikeit yes you're right. Hopefully it's just another performance.

Sounds like he’s probably doing what he did with you with the new girl - stating he wants to see his kids, mother stopping access, needs courts etc.

Given his first two children are tween/teen - it’s be easier for him to contact them directly to arrange access - so he can’t make a big song and dance about that. whereas your DC is still young, so his excuse for no contact is that for access would need to go through you, so he would need to try to go through the courts, given you quote rightly stopped access due to the abuse you both received from him.

@GingeNinga he wouldn't know what his DDs looked like now if he fell over them. Their mum moved out of area not long after they separated. He made the effort to keep in touch for a while, then told everyone including me, that she had stopped contact because she found out I was pregnant. This was untrue, he just stopped showing up for them.

I feel it's best for all his children that he stays out of their lives now. They are all healthy, loved and settled. They're not props in his theatre performances. I really do hope he has changed and will be better to his current partner. For her sake more than his. Really will never understand his mentality, although there seems to be so many men with it.

From your post it sounds like you haven’t had contact directly with him and have just been told he is saving to seek access. Could it all just be a show? He is saying he is saving but in reality he only puts aside 50p a week, something like that?

If he does take it further my understanding is that contact would need to commence with letters from him to your son. Then once he has shown the ability to be consistent over a period of time he could have short supervised visits for another period of time before unsupervised visits. This is the child centred approach.

Id prepare for the possibility by seeking advice from womens aid and also trying to save for your own lawyer if possible. But my gut says he is showing off to the new gf but won’t be willing to take a slow child centred approach to building up contact.

@Rainbowqueeen I really appreciate that response, thank you so much.

Agree he probably won't get to the Court stage. If he does and if they grant access make sure this is slow and careful. Indirect contact via letters, then supervised in a contact centre, then for a few hours unsupervised and only if he sticks to all of this, unsupervised overnights. From what you say he is spectacularly unlikely to be reliable enough to 'pass' these stages. Good news that he has kicked drugs, if he gets a job then go to the CSA. Fingers crossed for you and your DS.

@Igmum thank you for that. I'd be OK, not happy, but OK with that kind of arrangement between them both, should it come to that.

Regarding CSA, he has been classed as self employed more or less for the past 7 years. I did speak to CSA 2 years ago, who said he changes his details every six months and has reported no earnings since 2016. I only know this because I rang to say he'd never paid the £70 maintenance he was ordered to pay 3 years ago. The man on the phone wasn't very impressed with him, but said not much could be done and it couldn't be backdated. I know he used to research how it to pay maintenance and other really odd things, regarding his ex and two children.

Luckily I work full time supporting young people in education, so my wage is ok and I have all the holidays off with my DS. I did complete a degree when DS was small, but wasn't able to pursue a career in that area, due to it not fitting in around DS. It does boil my blood slightly when I hear he is wearing £300 coats, but refuses to pay towards his sons welfare. Especially given how expensive everything is these days. For him, it is all a form of control without even being directly involved. For my own sanity, I have to look past that and tell myself I'm doing the best I can for my DS, with what I've got.

Sorry to hear that missmatch and yes, the curse of self employment with CSA. I had a very brief period when I got actual CSA payments from my (violent, drug-addict) ex then he gave up his job to avoid it. I think it is his loss since I suspect he will be depressed and isolated without work. Fortunately I work full time and have a decent salary so we are fine and frankly DD is a lot, lot better with him out of her life than with him in it. She is now old enough to decide herself but we had a dreadful time throughout primary school when he did show up and that was definitely worse. Fingers crossed that you keep on with a nice stable home for you and your DS - and, who knows, you might be able to pursue that career when DS is a little older and the nursery bills are not so high. Good luck

@Igmum makes me so happy to hear your success story. Given the circumstances, it makes it all the sweeter.

Thank you.